


It's Not the Path but the Destination That Matters

by LiveThroughThePages



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Break Up, College, Denial of Feelings, Dreams, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Goodbyes, Graduation, Hanai centric, House Party, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Minor Original Character(s), Post-Canon, Slow Burn, So Much Awkwardness, Sports Injury, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Crush, alcohol use, brief taking of pain medicine, side Suyama/Sakaeguchi, tajihana ship week, very minor Mizutani/Shinooka
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2018-11-29 07:12:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 49,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11435796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiveThroughThePages/pseuds/LiveThroughThePages
Summary: There are multiple paths you can take to reach your destination. Some are short while some are a bit scenic, but what really matters is where you end up at the end of it all.





	1. Dreams Are the Paths We Wish to Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night." - Bill Watterson

Coincidence. That's all dreams were to Hanai. They held no special meaning aside from offering replays of the day or strange imaginative scenarios. His dreams were sometimes just that - his dreams for the future. Many of his friends and family members were cast to be a part of it, and sometimes if luck ran his way, the occasional celebrity would make an appearance. 

There was never any real reason behind any of it. Dreams were just something that happened now and again. They were just a way for his brain to wind down and sift through the crazy days. That's all they were. 

So the first time he dreamt of Tajima he passed it off as coincidence. He'd been spending more time with the third baseman lately. Momo-kan had paired them as hitting partners for the week and he spent most of the time carefully watching Tajima’s movements and approach at the plate, so it really shouldn't have been a surprise when the other appeared in Hanai’s dreams. 

And honestly, it really was just a roll of the dice. He'd been spending more time with Abe as well, working on ideas to better the team. Hanai wouldn't be surprised if the next dream featured the catcher instead of Tajima. Besides, he’s dreamed about many of his teammates before. Just because this one left him feeling a bit embarrassed and flustered didn't mean squat. 

Everything was the same. Normal. Classes were boring and long as per usual. Lunch came and went too quickly. And finally it was time for practice. His sanctuary of the day, where he worked hard without a care in the world. Nothing could bother him there. 

Their warm ups were simple. Run, stretch, throw. They took a few grounders and fly balls. Then they split into pairs like all the other days and Hanai was once again with Tajima. Once they were paired off, Hanai began watching Tajima’s approach to hitting like he'd done so many times before, but this time it left him feeling odd. The more he focused on Tajima, the weirder he felt. He was being too self conscious, and he knew it was because of the dream. 

Tajima turned to Hanai and motioned for him to take his swings at the tee. He tried, but he could feel Tajima gazing at him and watching his every move. Was the third baseman always this observant or was Hanai just being too aware? 

“You're too stiff,” Tajima bluntly stated. 

“Sorry,” Hanai mumbled, attempting to breathe. He could feel his jerky movements and the tensed muscles of his shoulders and arms. This practice was supposed to benefit him, but if he kept going, he was going to end up with some horrible habits. 

“Switch with me.” Hanai didn't need to be told twice. He took a step back and let Tajima forward to take a few swings. “You need to relax your body more. Even if we're different, that needs to be the same. Watch.”

Hanai watched the way Tajima’s body swayed with ease. His muscles were loose and ready to go at any second. His eyes gazed out at an imaginary pitcher with such intensity that it made Hanai’s skin crawl. But when he swung, it was with such control of his body you'd never expect him to be the spontaneous and impulsive person he was any other time. Here Tajima was truly in his element. 

“See?” Tajima turned his sharp gaze on Hanai, and he felt heat creeping up his skin at its power. How could he forget just how serious Tajima could become when baseball was involved?

“Yeah,” he said weakly. 

Tajima’s head fell to the side slightly. “You alright? Your face looks red.”

“Fine.”

He didn't look convinced, and the teasing that had been in his eyes died away. “Go get a drink. We can switch after.”

 _Shit._ Hanai needed to collect himself. This disaster wouldn't do. He needed to focus on baseball and learn from each practice. At this point, he was just making more work for himself. Grabbing a drink, he returned to Tajima and took his swings. This time he pointedly ignored the eyes boring into his back and focused on the ball. His swings felt great. His body moved much better than before. 

When he finished, he turned to Tajima, whose gaze had shifted to a mixture of excitement and admiration. The respect was more than Hanai had expected to see and he felt his stomach tighten in knots. “Better?” He asked. 

“A lot better!” Tajima exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear. The sight took Hanai’s breath away. He never really knew how much it meant to get Tajima’s seal of approval. “I wanna go again!” He exclaimed with an air of competitivity. 

Hanai let him. He needed a breather after the mess he was feeling. He watched Tajima take swing after swing, using every bit of his body each time. It was amazing to see the way his body moved. _Focus_ , Hanai berated himself before he let himself get too caught up in the moment. 

It was like that the majority of the practice. He found himself watching Tajima even when he didn't need to, but Hanai told himself it was simply because the other always made fantastic plays even during practice. It was exciting to watch. Who wouldn't want to watch someone like Tajima play all the time?

* * *

The second time it happened Hanai woke flustered. Simply having Tajima in his dreams was one thing, but this was something else entirely. It hadn't been the friendliness from the previous dream. No, this one had been more… intimate to say the least. 

After a cold shower and the trip to school, he thought he'd gotten everything under control. School was the same as ever. Nothing weird or uncomfortable there. Everything was fine until practice because all through the day, Hanai had not seen Tajima once. Yet now… now his teammate was standing before him and he just couldn't let go of the dream he'd had the night before. 

It was awkward and weird for Hanai especially since Tajima had no idea what had him so wound up. The whole thing somehow made him feel guilty even though he had no control over it. To top it all off, practice felt excruciatingly slow. Hanai was hyper aware of everything Tajima said and did. He couldn't keep his eyes off the third baseman and he knew if he didn't change something soon, someone would notice his behavior. 

_I could ask for another partner_ , he thought on his walk home, but dismissed the thought as quickly as it came. Momo-kan would want to know why, and he didn't know how to explain it without making a fool of himself. Lying wasn't an option either. She would see right through him the moment he tried. 

Hanai felt like he was trapped. He couldn't act on what he saw in his dreams. Besides, he didn't even know if he really liked Tajima that way or if his mind was playing a joke on him. Thinking about it, Tajima was a good baseball player and he was good looking. A lot of people liked him. Then there was the fact that Hanai always tried to get his approval, but that was just baseball related, right?

_Right?_

He wished it was that simple, but now Hanai wasn't so sure. He found himself daydreaming about the most ridiculous things. Like the way Tajima’s muscles contracted in his arms as he swung or his concentration when on the field. Hanai even found himself thinking about Tajima’s eyes or his grin when he was overly pleased with something. 

_What straight guy even thinks about that?_ He wasn't stupid, so he couldn't deny the way he was feeling these days. The problem was that it was getting in the way of baseball. He _might_ have a small crush on Tajima, but it was getting out of control over a few dreams. He needed to block it out. Whatever he was feeling it had to come to an end. Baseball came first. His lack of focus and control wasn't fair to his team, Tajima, or himself. 

So he buried down whatever he was feeling. 

Maybe when everything was over - high school and baseball - he'd open up those emotions and thoughts again, but for now, he'd keep it hidden. He knew it would be difficult, but he had to try. He wasn't doing anyone any good the way he was now. Besides, he couldn't even guess what Tajima's reaction would be to anything, and he didn't want to bring it up. 

So no matter how tough it would be, Hanai would try to forget or at least ignore what his dreams wanted him to do. All he knew was that now was not the time to be chasing his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this last week. I have a whole thing planned, but I've been so stuck lately. But hey... I finally managed to write something. That's a plus even if it's almost a week late....


	2. But Sometimes We Will Drift Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I like you to be exactly the way that you are, because in all my experience, I have never known anyone like you.” - Tennessee Williams

High school was coming to an end. Baseball was over for many of them, but some would play in college while the select few were drafted. The third years - the ones who had begun the team at Nishiura - decided they needed to celebrate their years together. It was nice to spend their time together while they all could.

It was Sakaeguchi’s idea that they take a relaxing day at the beach. They had all agreed that a change of scenery would be nice. Spending any more time at Nishiura’s practice field would have made their get together and parting all the more difficult. It was nice, though. Hanai couldn’t remember the last time he had enough time to come to the beach.

The breeze coming off the water smelled salty, and the sun above was warm on his face. They couldn’t have asked for a better day. Hanai looked around at his teammates and smiled sadly. Soon they’d be ex-teammates, but he thought they’d always be his teammates in his eyes. 

Shinooka laughed at something someone said. It had been Mizutani’s idea to invite her since she’d been their manager for three whole years. However, once Shinooka was coming along, Izumi mentioned that they should also bring Hamada. It had made sense to all of them. They brought the people who had been there with them from the start.

Hanai sipped at his beer. Tajima had insisted it was the only way to go out in style, and had convinced his older sister to get them all some. Hanai didn’t quite like the idea, but everyone thought it would be fun. He just didn’t find the taste all that appealing, so he made sure to follow each sip with the food they had all pitched in and brought along.

They enjoyed each other’s company as the sun slowly went down. Hanai took a step away from the team to walk along the water. He could hear his teammates laughing together, and wondered if any of them were feeling the sense of loss that he was. Glad he’d taken off his shoes, Hanai moved until the gentle waves washed over his feet. He stood there long enough that the sand began to pull him down. The push and pull of the water, and the cool sand kept him grounded in the present.

Another sip of his beer had him grimacing, but he shook it off. The sunset over the water was too good to let something like his distaste of beer to bother him. The colors of the sky were warm - full of reds and oranges. Soon the blues and blacks would set in when the sun was completely gone.

A weight fell across his shoulders. Looking to his side, he found Tajima grinning up at him. It was a sight that had made his stomach do flips the last three years no matter how hard he tried to bury it. Smiling back, he instinctively wrapped his arm around Tajima’s shoulders. He knew he’d never return the touch so casually if he was more sober, but it really didn’t matter did it?

“It’s over now,” Hanai said, gazing back out over the waves. High school was over. They would go their separate ways and who knew when they would see each other again. Hanai’s arm tightened around Tajima, and he was surprised to feel the other return the gesture.

Hanai looked down at him, but Tajima was leaning his head against his shoulder. The nice thing about the last three years was that although they had all grown, Hanai still managed to remain taller than the other - something Tajima always voiced his annoyance with. 

“It doesn’t have to be.” Hanai attempted to shift on his feet, but the sand made him stumble, making Tajima giggle. The sound of it made Hanai laugh as well until they both settled into silence broken only by the waves and the sounds of their friends not too far away. “I’m serious, you know?”

“I know you are.” Tajima had been adamant about his thoughts on the matter. Ever since he found out Hanai wasn’t planning on playing baseball after high school, Tajima had almost had a fit. Instead, whenever the third baseman had the opportunity, he practically praised Hanai’s abilities. It was a little uncomfortable. “But I’m not like you.”

He wasn’t. Tajima was a baseball player through and through. He could make it at the higher level, but Hanai didn’t have that sort of confidence. He’d rather focus on his school work. Maybe he could play in college, but if he wanted to get his dream job, he’d have to do his best in his classes. He needed other extracurricular activities aside from baseball.

The weight on Hanai’s shoulders disappeared, and he reluctantly let Tajima move away from him. He expected this sort of reaction. Every time this subject came up, they always ended up arguing. The water splashed against his legs as Tajima walked in front of him, gazing up at him with annoyed eyes. 

“No,” Tajima’s eyes - as unfocused as they were - were burning with determination, “you’re better than me.” 

He didn’t mean to, but Hanai laughed. Him? Better than Tajima? “How drunk are you?”

“Listen to me,” Tajima frowned and poked Hanai in the chest hard enough that Hanai needed to steady himself. “You _are_ better, and you have the perfect body!” Hanai felt his face flush and hoped it was dark enough outside that it wasn’t noticeable. He knew Tajima didn’t mean it like that, but Hanai’s mind instantly went in the wrong direction. “You’re wasting your talent!”

Hanai looked away and toward the sky. He could see the stars coming out for the night. “Is it really that hard to believe I don’t want to play baseball after this?” He looked back down to see Tajima’s distraught face. It was as if he couldn’t believe something like that could come from Hanai’s mouth. “What?”

“I wish I was like you.” His voice was low, and very unlike Tajima that it caught Hanai off guard.

“Why?” It didn’t make any sense. If anyone should want to be like the other, it was Hanai. He wished he had the natural talent that Tajima possessed and his confidence on the field.

“Because no matter what I do, I’ll never be strong enough to do what I want.” Tajima was looking down at the water, and Hanai couldn’t see his face. It was weird, though. He didn’t like hearing such defeated words coming from the third baseman’s mouth. It didn’t fit him. Maybe he’d drank a little too much.

“But I like you just the way you are,” Hanai said the words he’d been thinking without even realizing it. Maybe they’d both had a little too much to drink. “I mean… you’re like… the best player I’ve ever seen! And- and your hitting is amazing! You don’t have to change at all!” He knew he was rambling, but Tajima was looking at him with surprise and he couldn’t stop the words. He was trying to make the words less awkward, but no matter what he said, he could tell he was digging himself deeper.

The sound of the waves broke the conversation up. “I like you too Hanai!” Tajima grinned, and Hanai’s face felt like it was burning. He knew Tajima didn’t mean it quite the same way as he, but it was okay. Somehow, it was enough to hear those words, knowing that Tajima meant them enough to say - even if he was a little drunk. Maybe “Let’s go back to the others!”

Tajima grabbed a hold of Hanai’s hand and pulled him toward the noisy crowd. They both stumbled in the waves and wet sand, but managed to stay upright and mostly dry. Hanai looked down at their hands and laced their fingers together. He felt Tajima tighten his hold, making him grin. It was something so small and simple but it meant the world. 

When they returned, everyone looked exhausted. Some were a little more drunk than others, but everyone was in a relatively good state. It was getting darker now, and they were one of the few groups on the beach still. “Hey guys,” Hanai spoke up over all of them, “I think it’s time for us to head out.”

There were a few groans and a bunch of complaints, which Hanai had somewhat expected. Thankfully, though, he wasn’t the one that had to address them. “He’s right,” Abe spoke up, but you could hear the disappointment in his voice. “We’re all graduating tomorrow. We need to get back before it’s too late.”

“Let’s clean up then,” Hanai said once everyone was focused on him again. He went to go pick up an empty bottle and felt the pull at his hand. “Sorry,” he mumbled, quickly letting go of Tajima’s hand. He couldn’t believe he’d forgot to let go when they got back to the group.

“It’s fine,” Tajima grinned and walked over to help Mihashi clean up. Hanai stared after him before he helped pack everything away. 

The walk home sobered them all up, and it began to sink in that graduation was just hours away. Each stop where they needed to split up, it took a little longer than usual. They stood there, no one speaking, and unwilling to leave. The silence really said it all. Their time together was coming to an end as teammates. They’d still see each other at graduation, but it wasn’t the same.

And in the blink of an eye, the ceremony was over. All the third years stood together at the practice field that had changed so much over the years. Their families were there and lots of pictures were being taken. Hanai found Tajima easily. He was surrounded by his large family, but he felt odd going over to him when he was with them. 

As people began to leave, some shed a few tears. Everyone went to comfort Mihashi when he began to cry uncontrollably. As a person and pitcher, Mihashi had possibly gone through the most change throughout the years, so not one of them blamed him for the tears.

“Hanai,” Tajima called to him. He was looking at Hanai with determination. “Are you really not going to play?” 

Hanai shook his head. “No.”

There was a look of disappointment in Tajima’s eyes, but at the same time Hanai thought he saw understanding. “Okay.” Tajima walked over and hugged him. It took a moment of stunned silence until Hanai could return the gesture. “I’ll see you around then,” Tajima said, grinning when he pulled away. “You better watch me when I’m on TV!” He said excitedly.

Laughing, Hanai shook his head again. “Alright, I will.”

And just like that, it was over again. Tajima left with his large family and Hanai with his mom and sisters. Their paths were going in different directions, but Hanai was left with this inkling of hope that they would all find each other again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how loosely I'm using these quotes for the shipweek LOL


	3. And Everything I See Is Just A Reminder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But my words became stained with your love. You occupy everything, you occupy everything.” - Pablo Neruda

The straps of his bag dug into his shoulders as he made his way across campus. The edges of his books dug into his lower back, and he shifted the bag, trying to alleviate the uncomfortable feeling. He thought that by now, with a whole year under his belt, he’d be used to the aches and pains of university, but he was was wrong. The weariness just seemed to build and build. He was tired most days, and the long classes and hours of work did nothing to help.

He needed a coffee. Once he had some caffeine coursing through his veins, he knew he’d feel at least a little better. He could do without the heaviness in his eyes or the constant headache. He never thought he - of all people - would be one that _needed_ coffee to get through his day. The sluggishness of his brain, however, indicated that he was desperately needing his next cup soon, so he turned in the direction of his favorite coffee shop.

“Hanai!” Startled, he stopped in his tracks and looked around, confused. “Over here!” He found Suyama waving to him with Sakaeguchi sitting beside him on a bench. Both had cups of what he could assume were coffee, but Sakaeguchi held two cups.

A relieved sigh fell from his lips as he smiled. The two knew him so well that it honestly surprised him. He never once thought he’d be as close to them as he was now, but he wasn’t about to complain. Especially since they had an extra coffee just waiting to be taken.

“Thanks,” Hanai said, taking the offered cup from Sakaeguchi. Just the smell of the coffee was enough to ease his headache some. He sat beside Suyama and took a much needed drink. “I needed this.”

“We had a feeling,” Sakaeguchi smiled over at him. “How was your class?”

“Anatomy…” He glared down at his cup. “Well, it was long and boring. My professor isn’t very enthusiastic.”

Suyama hummed, taking a sip of his own drink. “I’m glad culinary school is more hands on.”

“But Hanai’s studying physical therapy,” Sakaeguchi mumbled as he glanced over at the other, “so it shouldn’t be so bad?”

“It is though,” Hanai responded. “Right now, it’s mostly classes and not practical, but the head of the athletic department agreed to let me shadow one of the athletic trainers. I do that after classes in the afternoon.” He took another welcomed drink of his coffee, enjoying the taste. He was glad it was how he usually had it.

“That sounds interesting,” Suyama said, draping his arm around the back of the bench behind Sakaeguchi. Hanai noticed the way Sakaeguchi leaned toward Suyama slightly. It got him thinking. “When do you have to go for that?”

“What time is it?” Hanai asked.

“About 2.”

Humming, Hanai took another sip. As a future physical therapist, he should really be concerned about this caffeine dependence. Maybe he should start reducing the amount he takes in, but the headache told him otherwise. “Uh…” He rubbed his tired eyes. “The soccer team is practicing at 4, and I need to be at the training room at 3. I still have another hour.”

Suyama nodded. “So you’re shadowing the soccer team’s trainer?”

“Yeah, Ito-san is great. She also works with the baseball team in the spring.”

“That’ll be nice to be around baseball again,” Suyama smiled. “I know how much you’ve been missing it. Still don’t want to play?”

Hanai shook his head. “No, I want to really focus on my studies. Besides,” he took another sip, “if I played I wouldn’t be able to do the shadowing that I am now. I'm hoping to volunteer with a physical therapist in the summer as well.”

“That's a lot…” Sakaeguchi looked at him concerned. 

Shrugging, Hanai brushed it off. “It's not so bad. It keeps me busy.”

The conversation died off as all three drank their coffee. Hanai took the time to just relax. He liked this part of the campus. It was a small courtyard with trees and bushes - similar to a park - and it was filled with students hanging out and waiting for their next classes. He liked the mixture of business and relaxation. There was always something to watch and take his mind off things.

“Hey, Hanai.” Blinking, he looked over at Sakaeguchi, who was now leaning against Suyama’s side. The ex-shortstop looked a little embarrassed, but Hanai focused his attention on Sakaeguchi. “How have you been?”

The question confused him. Did he look as bad as he felt sometimes? Maybe it was the perpetual bags under his eyes that he never seemed to be able to hide. “Good? I guess?” It was a lame answer, but he didn’t really understand what the other was trying to get at.

“You guess?” There was a mixture of amusement and concern in his eyes as he watched Hanai. “You’re not working yourself too hard, right? You’re taking care of yourself?”

Hanai held his tongue. There was a quip that was just begging to get out. _What are you, my mother?_ He thought it, but didn’t voice it. He knew he was still a little tired and cranky from his lack of caffeine, and it wasn’t Sakaeguchi’s fault that Hanai didn’t like being checked on all the time. “I’m fine.” His words, however, seemed anything but. They were strained and laced with exhaustion. So maybe he was pushing himself a little harder than he should, but he needed to make sure he stood out among the other students. If he was just one of the same, he’d never achieve his goals.

Humming, Sakaeguchi looked away and out at the people. “Why don’t you come to a party with us this weekend? It’s on my campus and Shinooka and Mizutani are coming by as well. We invited a few others, but we’re not sure if they’re going to make it or not.”

Hanai had heard that Mizutani finally worked up the courage to ask Shinooka on a date. _Good for them._ They seemed to be working. It had already been a couple of months and they were still together.

“Hanai?”

He looked at the two next to him. They were always close in high school, but now they seemed closer. He always wanted to ask, but… 

“You don't have to come if you don't want to,” Sakaeguchi said after Hanai’s prolonged silence. “I just thought it would be a nice break from the constant work of school.”

“I'll come,” he said, surprising both himself and the others. 

“Really?” Suyama just blinked. “You sure?”

“Yeah.” Hanai looked away from them. He really wasn't. He had so many other things he could do with his time, but Sakaeguchi’s questions were now starting to hit him differently. Maybe he needed to take some time for himself. He wasn't much of a partier, but one day couldn't hurt. “I have to go get some things before the practice, but text me when and where.”

“Okay!” Sakaeguchi grinned happily. “I'll let you know when to come to our place!” Sakaeguchi didn't seem phased by the words, but Suyama’s face seemed to darken a few shades of red. 

“Great,” Hanai smiled as he stood. “Thanks for the coffee by the way.”

“No problem,” Suyama said, recovering from his embarrassment. “We thought you'd need it.”

“You weren't wrong.” He laughed as he stretched his legs. “Alright talk to you guys later.”

On his way back to his dorm, Hanai wondered about his friends. He hadn't known they were living together. Maybe they just weren't telling people? It really wouldn't make sense unless they were actually dating, right? They could just be rooming together to save money. _But maybe they are together._ It would make sense then for them to keep it quiet, and they were showing more affection towards each other than normal. _I wonder if they would be okay with me asking them…_

* * *

Hanai dressed in casual clothes for the party - jeans, a button up, and sneakers. He hoped he wasn't too over or under dressed but _too late now_ , he told himself. He was already a five minute walk from Sakaeguchi and Suyama’s place. 

When he arrived, Sakaeguchi greeted him happily at the door. “Hanai! You made it! Come in!” He grabbed his arm and tugged him inside. “Do you want anything to drink? We have a few different alcohol choices to choose from.”

Sakaeguchi disappeared into the apartment and Suyama came over offering an apology. “Sorry, he's already had a few mixed drinks and he's really excited that you're coming out with us tonight.”

“It has been a bit since I was out like this so I'm not surprised,” he laughed. 

“Shouji~” Sakaeguchi called from the kitchen. Hanai had never seen Suyama so embarrassed and red in his life. “Ask Hanai what he wants to drink!”

“So uh… you two…?” It was the perfect moment to ask, but Hanai couldn’t help the awkwardness of his question.

Suyama rubbed the back of his neck. His face was still a nice shade of red. “Y-yeah…” He mumbled under his breath. “We- we were going to tell everyone from Nishiura eventually. It’s just not the easiest thing to bring up in conversation.”

“You know we wouldn’t care, right?” Hanai asked, hoping that the two didn’t think - after all they’ve been through - that their ex-teammates would judge them over something like that. “We only hope for each other’s happiness.”

“We know!” Suyama rushed out. “It’s just hard to talk about, you know?” Hanai nodded. He could understand that. Even if they were all good friends, he wasn’t surprised Suyama and Sakaeguchi would be worried about bringing up something so personal. It was a touchy subject and it would be hard to judge how a person would react. Hanai was just happy they were comfortable enough to tell him about it. “So what would you like to drink?”

“No idea,” Hanai said laughing. “Why don’t you surprise me.”

* * *

The party was louder than he thought it would be, but maybe that was because it’d been months since he had been to one. He wasn’t much of a dancer, so he stood off to the side and just watched everyone have fun. Surprisingly, Oki had showed up to the party as well and joined him by the window away from the center of attention.

_If Tajima was here, he’d be right smack in the middle of it all_ , he thought with a small smile. His ex-teammate wasn’t far from his mind these days. 

“You’re not wrong,” Oki said, startling Hanai from his thoughts.

“What?”

“You said Tajima would be in the middle of everyone,” Oki frowned a little at him. “I was agreeing with you.”

“Oh,” Hanai smiled a little embarrassed. He looked down at the drink in his hand. Maybe he’d drank a little more than he thought. He didn’t want to lose his inhibitions to the point of him speaking his thoughts.

“You know,” Oki laughed a little. “I can imagine Tajima dragging Mihashi out to dance. Can you imagine the two of them?”

Hanai couldn’t help but laugh. Just the thought of Mihashi attempting to dance to the music playing was hysterical. The only result would have been an awkward flailing of arms. “It would have been comical.”

Oki nodded, grinning from ear to ear as he held in his laughter. “Once Abe or Izumi saved Mihashi from dancing Tajima would have come for you.”

“M-me?” Hanai tensed at the thought. “Why would he come to me?”

“He always did.” Oki looked at him like Hanai was crazy. “Didn’t you notice? The two of you _were_ always together.”

“Oh?” Hanai took another sip of the drink that Sakaeguchi made him when they’d arrived at the party. “Have… have you talked to him lately?”

“Me?” Oki laughed. “Nah, but I talk to a few others. I bet you talk to him all the time though! How is he?”

He didn’t know what to say. Oki just assumed that he spoke to Tajima all the time, but Hanai hadn’t spoken to the other since… graduation. “I don’t know…” He whispered sadly. Was he seriously missing Tajima? “It’s been a long time since I spoke to him.”

“Really?” Oki didn’t notice how uncomfortable Hanai was. “I would have guessed you guys talked all the time!” Oki laughed and Hanai attempted to join.

“I’m gonna go get some water,” Hanai said, attempting to flee. “I’ll be back.” Oki let him go without a fight. 

As he weaved through the crowd, he felt a tug on his arm. A girl with long brown hair smiled at him and pulled him back toward the dance floor. “Dance with me!” She yelled over the music, her grin turning sultry as the music shifted to a new song. Her body moved against his, and her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling herself closer to him. 

Hanai placed his hands on her hips, and tried to dance as best he could. It didn’t feel right. Something was missing, but what bothered Hanai the most was the way his mind instantly thought of a certain ex-teammate. As soon as the song ended, he excused himself and made his way to the bathroom to splash some cool water in his face, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t get Tajima’s face out of his head. _Why?_ He asked his reflection. It’d been over a year since he last saw him. Hanai thought this thing would have faded by now.

“Hanai?” He looked away from the mirror. Sakaeguchi stood there looking concerned. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Hanai nodded more to himself. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Sakaeguchi looked him over carefully. Closing and locking the bathroom door, he walked over and sat on the counter beside Hanai. “I saw you dancing with that girl.” Hanai stiffened, but forced himself to relax. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Sighing, Hanai leaned against the counter. “I… I don’t know…” His words were mumbled, and he looked to Sakaeguchi for help. The smile was comforting on the other’s face and it put him at ease. But as much as he wanted to talk, Hanai just didn’t know where to begin.

Perhaps sensing Hanai’s troubles, Sakaeguchi began talking. “Suyama told me he talked to you about us.” Hanai nodded his head. “Sorry we didn’t tell you sooner, and I guess… sorry I made it so embarrassing.”

Hanai laughed. “It’s okay. I understand the cautiousness.”

“You do?” Hanai nodded. Sakaeguchi hummed a little and closed his eyes. Silence hung between them for a few moments. “Can I ask you a serious question?”

“Sure,” Hanai said, but he was a little nervous to know what the other wanted to know.

“Oki said something to me.” Hanai didn’t like where this question was starting. “You and Tajima…”

Hanai stiffened and even his voice was tense. “What about him?”

Sakaeguchi watched him carefully. “Do you miss him?”

_Miss him?_ Hanai opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again when he couldn’t find the words to speak. His mind had gone blank and his heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest. He almost felt afraid. “I…”

A loud bang on the bathroom door broke him out of his thoughts. “Hey!” A slurred voice yelled from the other side. “Hurry up in there!”

“Er…” Hanai pushed away from the counter. “I guess we should go.”

Sakaeguchi’s hand grabbed his shoulder holding him in place. “Hold on!” He yelled at the door, causing the person to groan loudly. “Hanai, it’s okay if you miss him,” he said getting serious again.

“I mean…” He pulled out of Sakaeguchi’s reach. “I wouldn’t say I miss him, but…” _But I can’t stop thinking about him lately…_

Smiling softly, Sakaeguchi jumped down off the counter. “Well,” he walked over to the door, “Suyama and I are both here if you ever need any advice on anything.”

“Advice?” Hanai asked confused. A nod was his only response before Sakaeguchi opened the door, apologizing to the guy outside, who looked between him and Hanai suspiciously. Hanai flushed at the implications and rushed out of the room without looking back. _Advice._ Maybe he’d take up their offer soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm suyasaka trash so obviously they were going to make an appearance. and Sakaeguchi is a good friend. plus I wonder if Hanai was actually speaking his thoughts again to make Sakaeguchi smile like that at the end


	4. If We Meet Again, Will We Fall into Place?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you?” - Alain de Botton

Anxiety rolled off of him in waves. The busy coffee shop around him served as a distraction, but sometimes the constant hum of voices and machines in the background was all it took to get him lost in his thoughts. Focusing on the warmth of the cup in his hands, Hanai closed his eyes. The message he sent Suyama made his stomach turn, but he still remembered the offer Sakaeguchi had mentioned at the party and knew they would both be patient and supportive.

The chime above the door rang loudly, pulling Hanai from his thoughts. He saw Suyama looking around and when the other caught his eye, Hanai offered a small wave. Grinning, Suyama walked over to him. “Hey,” Hanai offered in greeting, “thanks for coming.”

“No problem.” Suyama shrugged off his jacket and draped it over the chair. “Do you mind if I go get a coffee?”

Shaking his head, Hanai motioned for him to get in line. While his friend waited for coffee, Hanai tried to think of what to say and how, but came up empty handed. Instead, he just sat there, drinking his coffee and waiting for Suyama to return.

“So…” Hanai lifted his head to see Suyama sitting back down and with a sigh. His friend looked exhausted, but when he looked at Hanai, he still smiled.

“Sakaeguchi’s not coming?” Hanai blurted before Suyama could bring up the topic. He was usually closer to Suyama, but since the party, he felt like he and Sakaeguchi had bonded a bit. He thought maybe he could open up a little more to him. 

Suyama shook his head. “No, he has a night class,” he explained, taking a sip of his coffee, “but I talked to Yuuto…” Suyama looked hesitant almost uncomfortable talking about this.

“If…” Hanai’s thumb rubbed along the edge of his cup. “If you don’t want to talk, I can just wait until Sakaeguchi’s available.”

“No! No…” Suyama said hurriedly. “I’m sorry, Yuuto’s better at talking about this sort of thing than I am, but I promised him I’d do my best to help you with whatever you wanted to talk about.”

Nodding, Hanai looked down at his coffee. He opened his mouth to speak, but he still didn’t know where to begin. There was so much he wanted to ask and to know, but he couldn't grasp any of the questions floating around his head.

“You can also ask about me and Yuuto if you want,” Suyama said after a few minutes of silence.

Hanai took a sip of his cooling coffee before nodding again. “I guess… how did you know?”

Suyama fidgeted a little bit and sighed. “Well… you’re not gonna like my answer.” Hanai frowned at the comment. “It’s just that… I don’t actually know? It might be different for Yuuto, but for me…” He paused to gather his thoughts. “I really can’t think of one specific time. Yuuto and I were just always together. We got along well; we spent time together outside of baseball; and we studied together…” There was a small smile on Suyama’s lips, and Hanai smiled with him.

“Honestly,” Suyama continued after pausing, “when I think back on it, Yuuto was always just… there. He's my best friend, so that's not surprising but somewhere along the line I just couldn't stop thinking about him.” Suyama was smiling a little more now and the sight comforted Hanai. “I thought it was terrifying at first, and I came up with so many excuses for the reasons behind it.” He laughed, and Hanai grinned, thinking of his own thoughts of late. “It took some time for me to come to terms with my feelings.”

“Feelings?” Hanai finally spoke up, and Suyama nodded.

“Feelings,” he clarified, a small blush forming on his cheeks. “I uh… I remember as I started thinking of Yuuto more and more I’d focus on different things.”

Hanai frowned at that. “Like what?”

Licking his lips, Suyama focused on his coffee. He took a sip and Hanai followed him, but his coffee had already cooled down. He decided against finishing it in a few quick gulps because he might need a distraction later on. “Like… I started to think about the way his eyes lit up when he looked at me, or how he would smile in my direction. I would think of his laugh and how his nose would crinkle up just a bit, but also the way he sticks out his tongue when he’s concentrating on his work…”

Listening to Suyama speak was strange. He could tell just how much his friend was in love with Sakaeguchi. It was both cute and unnerving because he didn’t know if what he felt even matched that. “Maybe I was wrong…”

Suyama smiled sadly at him. “You mean about the way you feel about Tajima?” 

Hanai felt his body tense. He didn’t want to confirm or deny it because saying anything aloud would make it too real for him, so instead he just stared at his coffee. He felt like an idiot. He was never this quiet with anything, but he wasn’t used to talking about things like this.

“You know,” Suyama continued when Hanai refused to look at him or even answer, “if you ask Yuuto about how he felt, it would probably be different from me. Everyone experiences things differently.”

“I know that,” Hanai grumbled, taking a sip of his cold coffee. He did know that people experienced things differently. If it wasn’t, love and relationships wouldn’t be so difficult all the time. “I just don’t know.”

Shrugging, Suyama leaned back in his chair. “You’ll never know unless you try.” Hanai knew that as well. “When was the last time you spoke with Tajima?”

This question again. He was actually embarrassed to answer. “It was at graduation.”

Suyama didn’t even hesitate when he responded, “Maybe you should reach out to him again.” There was no malice behind the words, and Hanai knew he meant no harm, but…

“I can’t,” he said, hiding his face in his hands.

“Can’t?” Suyama questioned. “Or won’t?” Hanai didn’t answer. Since the party, he’d scrolled through his phone to stop at Tajima’s contact information only to panic and put it down. “You don’t have to say anything weird to him if that’s what you’re concerned about. It’s just you catching up with a friend. You’ve kept in touch with everyone from our year except Tajima. Don’t you think that’s a little weird?”

Guilt settled in his stomach. He wished he could say Suyama was wrong, but he was very, very right. Hanai had talked with everyone at some point and in some shape or form except Tajima. “I mean… it’s not that weird. I could have been busy, and I’m sure not everyone has been able to stay in touch with everyone else.”

“But what if they have and Tajima finds out he’s the only one you haven’t spoken to in over a year?” Suyama pressed.

The thought did make him feel a little uncomfortable. “It goes both ways though,” Hanai said stubbornly. “He could have easily reached out to me.”

“You know he’s busy with baseball. You remember how exhausting high school baseball was?” Hanai nodded. “So you can imagine how professional baseball must be.”

“I know,” Hanai groaned, feeling guilty all over again.

Suyama smiled slightly. “Why don’t you try talking to him again? Maybe it will help you figure whatever is going on with you.”

He searched Suyama’s eyes, but saw nothing but understanding and kindness. “Do you really think it would help?”

“I don’t think it could hurt,” he said, shrugging. “Then after if you still want to talk to someone, I think it would be best if you spoke to Yuuto. Like I said, he’s much better talking about this stuff than I am.”

“Yeah,” Hanai smiled slightly. “Yeah, okay. I’ll do that. Thanks for coming out today.”

Suyama grinned. “Sorry I wasn’t too much help.”

“No, I think it helped some.”

They finished their coffee discussing different topics like school and baseball. They didn’t breach the topic of relationships or feelings again, knowing that neither was entirely comfortable with it. When they finally went separate ways, Hanai’s mood had lifted, but he was still worried. His phone in his pocket felt like an unbearable weight he had to deal with.

He might have felt happy, but that didn’t mean his confidence had risen. Before Hanai even knew it, two weeks had passed since his talk with Suyama at the coffee shop - two whole long weeks… He spent those days staring at his phone annoyed. Every time he touched it, he went to Tajima’s name, but then fear gripped his chest and he closed it again. Nothing had really changed since his talk.

“I can’t do it,” he mumbled to himself. The grip on his phone was so tight his knuckles turned white. What if he messed everything up? What if he made a fool of himself? What if Suyama was right and Tajima somehow knew that he’d been keeping up with everyone except him? What if Tajima was pissed off and that’s why he hadn’t tried to reach out to Hanai either?

Growling at his ridiculous thoughts, Hanai pushed the work he’d been trying to accomplish away from him. His thoughts were drowning him in doubt and guilt. He felt horrible, and his head ached. “Coffee,” he grumbled, standing from his desk. He searched his closet, but came up empty handed. How could he let himself run out of coffee of all things? His life practically ran on it. 

_A trip to the cafe couldn’t hurt_ , he told himself. It might help him clear his mind a little. He could go to the courtyard in the middle of campus and people watch as well if the coffee shop didn’t offer the distraction he needed. But once he had his coffee and he was sitting at the back of the cafe by the window, Hanai felt at ease.

The heat of the coffee warmed him from the inside out, and despite the caffeine, the familiar taste and smell was enough to calm his nerves. He was able to just let his mind go blank by listening to the hum of the other patrons, and the clatter of dishes and cups. A smile slowly spread across his lips. He really enjoyed this place.

His phone buzzing in his pocket pulled him back to reality. Looking at it, he was surprised to see Sakaeguchi’s name on the screen. The message also confused him some. On any other given day, Sakaeguchi would message him long bouts of text, but this was just a quick and short ‘where are you.’

He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. It didn’t really seem to fit the other’s personality at all. It was too cold for the warmth Sakaeguchi usually emitted even in his messages. Without wasting another second, Hanai quickly wrote out a short message explaining he was at the cafe he always frequented. He had expected a response, but nothing came up. He waited and waited, but his phone remained silent. He didn’t know why he felt so much dread creeping up him. He sent Sakaeguchi another message, asking if everything was okay, and waited as patiently as he could.

Putting his phone back in his pocket, Hanai took a steady breath - in and out. He fidgeted with his hands briefly. What if something was wrong with Suyama? Or something happened to one of their friends?

_What if he’s mad at me?_ Hanai frowned at the thought. Suyama probably told Sakaeguchi everything they talked about two weeks ago. It wasn’t too hard to believe that both of them knew that Hanai still hadn’t gotten the courage to reach out to Tajima. If that was the case, he could expect the smaller male to come barging into the cafe at any second to yell at him. Well, maybe yell wasn’t the right word. Sakaeguchi would probably give him a stern talking to about how he was being a coward for not taking a chance.

Sighing, Hanai accepted his fate as he stared into the steaming cup of coffee. _Maybe it won’t be so bad_ , but whatever his mind offered, he knew he was going to end up being embarrassed in front of all the other people in here. He could probably just leave, but then it would just mean a worse fate. So he waited and waited, turning the coffee cup on the table in a circle.

Hanai wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but it had been long enough for his coffee to cool down. Now when he sipped it, the liquid was room temperature and not as soothing as when it was warm. Maybe Sakaeguchi wasn’t coming after all.

“Is this seat taken?” It took Hanai a second to realize the person had been talking to him.

“Excuse… me…?” Hanai’s mouth fell open as he stared at the person before him. “T-Tajima?” He stuttered. The person who’d been plaguing his thoughts day and night was somehow standing in front of him with a tired smile.

“Can I sit?” He asked again. Hanai nodded and Tajima sat across from him with his own cup of… the smell of chocolate touched his nose.

“You don’t drink coffee?” Hanai blurted out. His nervousness taking over his mind’s ability to think rationally.

Tajima shook his head. “No,” he said, “never actually liked the taste of it. Too bitter.”

“You could just put a lot of sugar and cream in it,” Hanai offered.

“Maybe I’ll try it some time…” Tajima whispered, bringing his cup to his lips.

Silence settled between them. Tajima focused on his drink, but Hanai couldn’t take his eyes off him. The more he just watched him, the more Hanai noticed. Tajima, when he was standing, seemed just a little taller than he was at graduation, but still not tall compared to Hanai. Along with growing taller, Tajima also seemed to fill out. It was like he finally grew into his body, and Hanai could easily see the muscles Tajima had worked hard on building.

Hanai also noticed the exhaustion in Tajima’s eyes. They weren’t quite prominent, but Hanai could see the dark bags forming, making Tajima look a little more worse for wear. His old teammate also seemed a lot more subdued than usual, and it actually made Hanai worry. He was used to Tajima’s outbursts and impulsiveness on and off the field. Seeing such a solemn expression on his face was weird.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Hanai said, breaking their silence, “but what are you doing here?”

“Sakaeguchi told me you were here.”

_So that’s why Sakaeguchi wanted to know where I was._ That was one question answered, but Tajima didn’t really answer his actual question. Hanai watched Tajima a little longer, but the other never looked up at him. He felt like he was being avoided and Hanai had to admit he wasn’t used to such behavior from Tajima. _Maybe he’s mad at me._

Stalling, Hanai took a sip of his cold coffee, and forced himself not to grimace at its less than optimal temperature. He needed to think. “Um, so how’ve you been?” He asked, mentally slapping himself for being such an idiot.

He expected to hear a snarky comment in response - something about how Hanai would know how he was doing if he had just kept in touch - but it never appeared. “I mean,” Tajima shifted in his seat as he stared at his hot chocolate, “I’ve been alright for the most part.” Finally, he looked at Hanai, and Hanai could tell just how exhausted Tajima really was. “You?”

Hanai offered the other a small smile, but he couldn’t seem to keep it on his face. “Busy,” he laughed though it sounded strained. “Actually, Suyama and Sakaeguchi seem to be really worried about me lately. I think they feel like I’m overworking myself or something.”

Tajima grinned at that. “Sakaeguchi was always the mom of the team.”

“You’re not wrong about that,” Hanai smiled a little easier, seeing the tension leave the other’s shoulders. He didn’t want to ask again, but he felt like he had to. “I know Sakaeguchi told you I was here, but did you need something from me?”

“Oh.” Tajima seemed to be thinking over what he actually wanted to say in response to that. “Well,” he began slowly, taking a rather long and drawn out drink of his hot chocolate. Hanai wondered if he was trying to stall like he had earlier. “I was just visiting the area and I thought I would see whoever I could while I was here.”

Hanai smiled at that. “Well why don’t we go walk around? Unless Sakaeguchi already gave you the grand tour of the area.”

Tajima smiled a little brighter at that. “He did drag me around earlier, but I think I’d rather go for a walk instead of sitting here. No offense,” he added quickly. Hanai wondered if someone told him this was his favorite place to go.

“None taken,” he said standing. “The courtyard at the university would be a nice place to go.” Tajima stood up after him and followed him out the door.

It was hard for Hanai to not be on edge. His hands felt clammy as they walked, and to keep his nervous movements to a minimum, he shoved his hands into the pockets of pants. He kept side eyeing Tajima, who was staring straight ahead. Hanai couldn’t believe that Tajima was there at all. It felt surreal, and it was amplified by the change in the other’s attitude. Maybe he was just dreaming or something. 

They sat down on a bench in the courtyard and just watched the various people walking around. Looking over at Tajima again, Hanai thought the other seemed less tense than before. “Is everything alright?” Hanai said before he could really think about what to say.

“Hm?” Tajima turned to look at him, and Hanai could see the usual spark in them before it vanished in his tired eyes. “Oh, yeah… just a bit tired is all.” He looked away from Hanai then - probably deciding the sky was a better sight.

“Baseball working you too hard?” Hanai tried to joke, but all he got out of the other was a tired laugh.

“Yeah, you could say that.”

The silence between them, despite the sounds around them, was deafening. Hanai hated every bit of it. When he thought about his reunion with Tajima, it wasn’t this awkward silence. It was supposed to be filled with loud laughter and big smiles. Hanai felt like they were both dancing around each other and this was the exact opposite of what he wanted. The only problem was that he didn’t know how to rectify the situation at this point.

A breeze picked up, and he saw Tajima shiver slightly. “Cold?” He asked; Tajima shrugged. “Let’s go to my apartment,” he said and quickly added, “at least it won’t be cold there.”

Why did he have to fluster so easily? He could feel his cheeks warming up because he let his own mind think of other meanings to his simple words. He felt embarrassed that he even thought he needed to rationalize why he wanted Tajima at his place. _Stupid, idiotic…_ Hanai silently berated himself.

His embarrassment aside, he couldn’t stop the worry that had settled over him. A year ago, Tajima would have jumped at the chance to make a sly comment about it. The only word that could explain it was… strange. He glanced at the quiet boy over his shoulder as he unlocked his door. 

Opening the door, Hanai let Tajima through first. “Sorry it’s a bit messy,” he mumbled, picking up a few papers scattered around his desk as Tajima looked around, “I have a report due this week that I was working on earlier.”

“It’s nice,” Tajima said quietly.

Hanai laughed and saw Tajima taking a seat on the couch. “It’s not much, but it’s enough and wasn’t expensive and practically on campus, which is nice for walking to classes and what not.” He knew he was rambling, but he didn’t know what else to say.

Tajima smiled slightly at that and the sight put Hanai at ease a little bit. “You don't have to clean up because I'm here,” Tajima said when Hanai went back to tidying his work area. 

“Oh,” Hanai flushed a little in embarrassment, “just let me at least put it in piles.”

Laughing a little louder, Tajima shook his head. “Alright.”

With a grin on his face, Hanai quickly went about cleaning up. When he was done, he fell onto the opposite side of the couch. “So…” he said, not willing to let another prolonged silence go between them. It was too uncomfortable for him. Tajima looked at him, waiting for him to continue. “You were with Sakaeguchi and I'm just going to assume Suyama was also there because those two lovebirds are like a packaged deal.” Tajima laughed so loud that Hanai felt a surge of warmth pass through him. It felt like the normal Tajima. 

“You're right,” Tajima grinned. “It's almost gross how adorable they are. By the time I left I felt like I'd eaten too many sweets.”

Hanai laughed at that. “I completely understand. I asked Suyama to meet me once and Sakaeguchi was just there as well. Wasn't long after that I realized I'd have to specifically state if I wanted to see only one of them.” Another laugh from Tajima had Hanai’s heart fluttering. “But since you showed up without either of them, I'm assuming that you wanted to talk to me about something?” 

“Maybe I just wanted to get away from the two of them,” Tajima countered, but there was a playfulness in his eyes that told Hanai otherwise. “But, I guess I also missed you.” Hanai’s stomach did flips and he struggled to keep his smile from exposing just how happy that made him feel. To know Tajima had been feeling the same way was a relief, but it also left a bit of guilt in his heart that he hadn’t done anything to talk to Tajima. “You know… having you around all the time and it was weird not having you there at practices or pushing me to do better every day.”

“Sorry,” Hanai blurted out, and Tajima laughed.

“What for?” Despite the tiredness on his face, Tajima was smiling ear to ear. “You have classes and work. You can’t just travel on a whim to come to my practices. Besides, that’d be a little weird, right?”

“Well, yeah,” Hanai shifted his position on the couch. Him showing up at Tajima’s practices would be weird. It would also probably start unwanted rumors. His mind instantly went to how Suyama and Sakaeguchi always seemed to be cautious in public. Pushing those thoughts to the side, he continued. “I meant I was sorry about not keeping in touch.”

“It’s fine!” Tajima grinned and then motioned to the stacks of papers and books on his desk. “I knew you were busy. I’ve been talking to a few others and they were always in the library or doing something boring like studying.”

Hanai let the fact that Tajima thought school was boring go because he did enjoy it for the most part. “I still could have sent you a message,” he mumbled. The guilt was now starting to take over and if he didn’t fess up, it’d continue to eat him alive. “I had every opportunity to, but I just…” He licked his lips, eyes darting around the room as he tried to gather his thoughts. He didn’t want to give too much information away, and he didn’t want Tajima to be weirded out by his feelings. “I just didn’t…” It was the most pathetic excuse he could have come up with because it wasn't even an excuse. 

Tajima stared at him. Hanai could feel his eyes analyzing him. He forgot how intense the other could be, and he was 100 percent ready for Tajima to call him out for lying just like when they were younger. “That’s okay.” _What?_

“What?” Hanai stared at him in shock. “You’re not angry?”

Shrugging, Tajima leaned back into the couch. “I could have as well.” Hanai knew he was staring, but he didn't know what to say or do after that. Did Tajima really grow up? He thought he knew the other well, but did he really? “What?” Tajima asked after the prolonged silence. 

“You’re…” Hanai wasn't really sure if straight up asking Tajima about his behavior was the best way to go about this. “You're different…” Tajima frowned and Hanai realized how wrong his words sounded. “I mean…” He hesitated again and wondered if he could actually save himself this time. “Just like you're… uh… I-I don't know.”

When he looked back at Tajima, Hanai saw amusement. “Different?” Hanai nodded. “How?”

“Quieter, I guess…” Hanai pulled his legs up on the couch. He was surprised at how much this was bothering him. Seeing Tajima in front of him now, it felt like everything from high school was a lie. “I miss how hyper you were.” The words were out before he could stop them. 

“You do?” Tajima sounded confused, but looking at him, Hanai couldn't decipher what Tajima was thinking or feeling at the moment. 

Hanai stared down at his knees. His fingers drummed a random beat against his legs as he avoided Tajima's gaze. “Yeah,” he couldn't look at Tajima, but he might as well keep telling the truth at this point, “I missed having your energy around.”

There was a beat of silence. “I always thought people found it annoying and obnoxious.”

“Well it was,” he glanced up to see Tajima’s lips curl into a small smile, but he looked back down at his hands, “but it was also… endearing.” Hanai looked up to see Tajima frowning, and wondered if he had said the wrong thing again. 

“You really thought that?” Tajima asked, meeting his eyes. 

“Yeah,” Hanai said, feeling the heat creep up his neck. He wouldn't be surprised if his ears were red at this point. “You… don't?” He asked, but then regretted it. Tajima had just said he didn't. 

Tajima looked as though he was debating whether or not to say something again. “My teammates would probably disagree with you,” he said quietly.

That wasn't something Hanai expected to hear, and the look on Tajima’s face seemed a little more down. “Really?” He asked just as quietly, and Tajima nodded. Maybe this was what was bothering him. “Is that why you changed?” Hanai knew he was prying, but if it meant cheering Tajima up, he'd push for more. 

The only problem was that Tajima didn't seem to want to talk. His lips pressed together into a firm line and he glared at the far wall as though it had personally offended him _and_ his family. “We don't have to talk about it,” Hanai eventually said after a few more moments of silence. 

“No, I…” Tajima sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “It's just hard for me to bring it up.”

Hanai smiled gently at him. “You know I'll never judge you, right?” And he truly meant it and when Tajima looked at him, he hoped he'd see it in his smile. 

“I know,” Tajima smiled back, but he still seemed unsure of himself. “I know you wouldn’t.” Hanai could tell he was having a hard time with things, so he waited even though he hated the silence that fell between them. It dragged on and on until finally Tajima spoke again. “I’m not good enough.”

_What?_ “Not good enough?” He asked and Tajima nodded. In no universe or situation could Hanai imagine Tajima as not being good enough. The idea was simply preposterous. “For… what?”

Tajima’s face fell. Hanai thought he looked downright devastated and Hanai felt his heart clench at the sight. “Baseball,” Tajima muttered. “I’m just not good enough to play with the others on my team. They’re a lot better than me, and I don’t think I can keep up with them.”

Hearing what Tajima thought of himself in terms of baseball was almost laughable, but Hanai kept his laughter in check at the sad eyes of his friend. The tired eyes and solemn expression made sense now. Baseball was everything to Tajima. It’s what he lived and breathed. If he was now having second thoughts about his career or his talents, Hanai had no doubt that it was weighing heavily on Tajima.

“So you’re giving up?” Hanai frowned at the thought. It truly sounded like Tajima was just going to throw in the towel.

“I never said that,” Tajima said. To Hanai it sounded as though Tajima was trying to hold his ground, but his words lacked their usual bite when angry. “I love baseball, but… I’ll always be at a disadvantage. I’m not as strong as everyone and there are others who are faster than me. I’ll never be a homerun hitter. I just… I just don’t know if I’ll ever make it.”

Hanai absorbed everything there was about Tajima. He let the words replay in his head as he took in the other's defeated look, trying to decide what to say to make it all better. Was there a magic word or sentence that could pick Tajima up and get him back on his feet, smiling and running for the baseball diamond? He didn't think so - not when he could tell Tajima had been going months feeling down on himself. No little word could fix that and if anything, Tajima would have to do it on his own. The best thing Hanai could think to do was to speak from his heart, even if it was the very thing that put Tajima leaps and bounds above everyone else. 

“I know you'll make it,” Hanai said first, but it only served to give him a roll of the eyes. “I'm being serious. When I said your attitude was endearing, there was more to it than just that.” He saw Tajima frown as he listened to Hanai’s words. “It's motivating and inspiring. You worked so hard every day doing what you loved most and that's baseball. You didn't care if you were smaller or not as strong. You were just you. Because of you, I pushed myself to get better. Because of your presence on the field, so many of us felt at ease knowing you were there to pick us up - even if it was annoying at times.” Tajima smiled a little at that. 

“I honestly don't know what I'm trying to say, but you've gotten this far, right?” Tajima gave a small nod. “So what's stopping you from going farther?”

Tajima stared down at his hands as he thought it over. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it before uttering a word. “I…” he began, “I don't have you there.”

The vulnerability on Tajima’s face and the softness of his words settled over Hanai. There were so many implications to them, but he didn't know what to make of any of it. He could see how much Tajima was opening up to him, and he didn't want to make light of it but he needed to know. “W-why me?” He hated that he stuttered, but he was having a hard time keeping his mind straight. His nerves were acting up and he could feel his face burning from embarrassment. 

Tajima shifted uncomfortable with what they were talking about. He glanced up at Hanai before looking back down at his hands. “I don't…” he began but then clamped his mouth shut to start again. “You were just always there.”

It wasn't a joke. Tajima's eyes showed nothing but sincerity when he looked at Hanai, and it sent Hanai’s emotions into overdrive. He couldn't get a clear grasp on what he was feeling, and then…

_“Didn’t you notice? The two of you_ were _always together.”_

_“Honestly, when I think back on it, Yuuto was always just… there.”_

Oki’s and Suyama’s words rang clear in his head. There was truth to those words now that he really thought about it. They were always paired up and they always pushed each other. They really were always together. 

“You still have me.” He blurted the words out and hated how he never seemed composed around Tajima. “I mean,” he began when Tajima looked confused, “not like there at the field, but I'm just a phone call away. And I have weekends off if you needed me or something. But not that you would or anything. I'm just saying… I'll always be here for you if you need me.”

Tajima’s face split into a wide grin after Hanai was done rambling and the brightness returned to his eyes. “Thanks.” Hanai thought Tajima’s voice was still too quiet, but to see Tajima’s eyes shine like that was enough.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Hanai said, smiling along with Tajima. “I meant every word.”

The smile on Tajima’s face softened as he looked at Hanai. “I know you did.”

Fiddling with his fingers, Hanai looked away from Tajima’s eyes before he ended up staring for longer than needed. He wondered if his heart would just stop beating from how hard it’d been working these last few minutes. That soft and gentle look Tajima had showed paired with his words made Hanai feel utterly embarrassed. Tajima had so much trust in him even after not talking for over a year. Did Hanai even deserve such kindness after avoiding Tajima for that long?

“So uh…” Hanai licked his lips as he looked over toward his kitchen, still avoiding Tajima’s eyes. “Do you want something to drink or… something…?”

“Actually,” Hanai looked back at Tajima to see him looking at his phone, “I should leave if I’m going to catch my train back.”

“Oh,” he muttered, hoping his face didn’t show his disappointment. He’d just gotten some time back with Tajima and now they were separating again. “I didn’t realize you were just visiting for the day.”

Tajima shifted a little in his seat. “Yeah, I guess… I guess I just needed someone to talk to.”

_So he came to me?_ Hanai wondered if he was the first choice or if Tajima couldn’t stand another second with Sakaeguchi and Suyama being flirty and cute with each other. “Well, I’m glad I could help,” he said, putting on another smile.

“You did,” Tajima stood from his seat. Hanai followed his lead. “I wish I didn’t have to leave.”

“You could stay.” Again… the words were out of his mouth before he could process them. “I mean! I only have the couch, but if you didn’t want to leave right away, you could stay here and go back tomorrow morning.” He was rambling and making a fool of himself _again_. “But I don’t know when you have to be back or your schedule, so it probably wouldn’t work.”

Laughter stopped him. “I have an early practice in the morning,” Tajima explained, “but thanks.”

“Well, if you ever need to,” Hanai began as they walked to his door, “you can crash here whenever you want. You don’t even need to let me know. You could just show up. Any time even.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Tajima grinned, stepping through the open door Hanai was holding for him. “I just hope you don’t regret it when I show up in the middle of the night unannounced.”

It was a joke. Hanai knew that. He did, but it didn’t stop him from saying, “I’d never regret it.” The words - as simple as they were - felt like they held magnitudes with the honesty even Hanai could hear in his own voice, and perhaps Tajima had heard it too because there was a slight blush showing on his shocked face. Hanai wanted to brush it off - make it a joke, but he couldn’t find the words.

They stood there in silence, staring at each other - neither knowing what to say. A door down the hall closed and its sound echoed down walls, breaking them out of their trance. “I need to go,” Tajima sighed, looking just as disappointed as Hanai felt.

“Okay,” Hanai whispered as Tajima smiled at him. “Hey, Tajima,” Hanai said when the other turned to leave. Tajima looked back curiously. “You’ll make it, and try…” Hanai licked his lips. “Try to find that energy you once had.”

Tajima smiled a little brighter and went on his way. Hanai watched him go until he turned the corner. Closing the door, Hanai let out a sigh of relief and leaned his back against the door. “Oh my god…” He mumbled while closing his eyes. He hadn’t expected any of that to happen and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had made a complete fool of himself. He had been awkward and had rambled about the most ridiculous things. 

_Why am I like this?_ He groaned, pushing away from the door. He had to get back to his work. He had to write his paper and study. He had so much to do, but as he sat down with pen in hand, nothing came to him. Another groan and Hanai’s head fell onto his papers. He couldn't stop thinking about Tajima. “Damn,” he breathed and a couple of his papers fluttered to the ground. 

A knock at his door pulled him from his misery. _Maybe it's Sakaeguchi_ , Hanai thought as he stood. He had a tendency to want to know about any gossip, and Hanai thought spending the afternoon with Tajima was right up his alley. Glancing through the peephole, Hanai frowned. Tajima stood there looking out of breath as though he'd just run there, and Hanai made quick work of the locks on his door. 

“Did you forget some-” His words were cut short as Tajima pulled Hanai down into a kiss. 

It was like his mind shorted out. Tajima's eyes were scrunched shut and his lips were pressing hard against Hanai’s. This could have easily been a dream, but in Hanai’s dreams, Tajima was always so sure of himself. Here, the hands that were gripping his shirt shook with nerves. 

Before he could wrap his head around what was happening, Tajima pulled back. His face held a mixture of fear and sadness. “Sorry,” he mumbled, “I-I just thought… I guess I was wrong.”

Tajima took a step back, and Hanai finally snapped out of his shock. He pulled Tajima back toward him, his hands cupping Tajima’s jaw gently as he pressed their lips together again. It was gentle - soft even. Not what he had expected when he'd dreamt of kissing Tajima, but maybe that's because Hanai was awkward and hesitant. 

A breathless laugh escaped Tajima when he pulled away, grinning from ear to ear. “I wasn't wrong.”

Hanai shook his head. “No,” he breathed, _you're never wrong_. 

Tajima bit his lip and Hanai’s eyes were instantly drawn to it. “I really do have to go.” Tajima leaned up and pressed another kiss to Hanai’s lips. He felt his stomach flutter at the tenderness of it. “I'll talk to you later.”

“Yeah,” Hanai murmured as Tajima ran back down the hall. He squashed the thought that hoped Tajima would miss his train. 

Once safely inside his apartment, Hanai let himself slide down the door and onto the floor. _That just happened._ His mind felt like it was completely blank yet trying to answering a hundred questions at once. It was absolute havoc inside as he fumbled for his phone to dial the only number he could think of.

“Hanai!” Sakaeguchi’s voice sang happily. “I was just about to call you!”

“Sakaeguchi?” Hanai frowned. He could have sworn he dialed Suyama’s number. 

“Shouji is cooking dinner,” Sakaeguchi explained. “Did you get to see Tajima?”

At the sound of the name, Hanai’s face flushed and he couldn't keep a stupid grin off his face. “Yeah,” he bit his lip, trying to control his happiness. 

“And?” Sakaeguchi pressed when Hanai offered no other explanation.

Hanai really needed to talk to them. He didn't know who else he could rely on for this. “Do you have enough food for three?” He asked. “I could use some advice again.”

“Of course,” Sakaeguchi said. His tone was soft, similar to that of the party, like he already knew exactly what Hanai wanted to talk about. “Shouji always makes enough for at least six people.”

Hanai laughed. He knew he'd be in good hands with Sakaeguchi and Suyama. Just hearing his friend's words put him at ease, and he mentally told himself he needed to find a good way to repay their kindness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen. I love the thought of Hanai being an awkward babbling mess in front of Tajima. And I live for the idea of Tajima becoming self conscious about baseball because angst lol
> 
> I feel like this whole chapter was just a self indulgent mess and I feel like I just doubled this story's length with this chapter. That being said, the rest of the chapters will probably be shorter. 
> 
> I basically know what I'm doing for the rest. Probably 3 more chapters since I'm following the tajihana week prompts on tumblr (oofurishipweeks). I also wish I could say I'll update quickly knowing what I want to write but my computer is dead and I haven't been able to get it to turn on regardless what I do and writing and updating on a phone is HARD. So I'm sorry if this takes a while to update.
> 
> And as always! You can find me on tumblr! (Pagsywagsy or pagsys-writings)


	5. Please Don't Think I Let You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The book of their love would be a chapter in her life." - Simon Van Booy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to say thank you to everyone who left kudos and commented. I really never expected this fic to get as much love as it has, and it has really warmed my heart!
> 
> Warnings: Lots of angst ahead~

Numbness weighed down his limbs as he walked, causing him to trip over his own feet. He should probably feel something, _anything_ , but it was just blank. Only his mind retained any piece of functionality, but it was scattered and in disarray. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but his feet kept moving. His mind was trying to make sense of it all, but it just caused panic to well up as he failed miserably.

He couldn’t even say where the panic was coming from. There was something else in his mind to panic about. It wasn’t just his lost thoughts. There was something… something to fear. The sense of loss washed over him and his foot caught on the lip of the sidewalk, but he caught himself in time. His breaths were short as he willed himself to just keep moving. Keep moving and maybe it will all just go away.

But it didn’t. It lingered and festered beneath his skin. The numbness was wearing off and he was afraid of the tightness in his throat and the ache in his chest. He tried to close off his mind from everything. He didn’t want to face any of what was swirling around his head. He just wanted it all to go away. He wanted it all to just… vanish.

“Hanai?”

He looked up to find Sakaeguchi staring at him with wide eyes. Why was he there? Hanai looked around himself and found he’d gone to their apartment without even realizing it. His raised hand told him he’d even knocked, but he’d been so far gone… he hadn’t noticed.

“Are you okay?” Sakaeguchi reached out and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, but that simple touch was all the dams needed to break loose.

A sob tore through his throat as tears spilled from his eyes. Sakaeguchi’s face contorted into shock as he quickly ushered Hanai inside. Hanai let himself be pulled along. His vision was blurred from the tears, but he heard Suyama’s voice somewhere nearby. Someone wrapped him in a blanket and sat him on the couch. He felt arms around his shoulders, and Sakaeguchi’s gentle words, telling him everything was fine.

But everything wasn’t okay. Why couldn’t something just work in his favor? Was it too much to ask for just this once? He was acting like a child, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Two years… It felt like two years of his life had just washed down the drain.

He didn’t know how long he cried for. By the time he was able to calm himself by focusing on Sakaeguchi’s hand running gently up and down his arm, his throat felt raw, his eyes burned, and his head hurt. His body was exhausted - everything just ached.

“Do you want something to drink?” Sakaeguchi asked him once he was relaxed. Hanai, not wanting to talk, leaned his head against the other’s shoulder and nodded. “Water?” He nodded again. He heard feet walking away and assumed Suyama was the one who left. It was silent for a moment, the only sounds coming from the other room. “What happened, Hanai?” Sakaeguchi’s voice was soft as he continued rubbing his hand up and down Hanai’s arm.

The question made his chest tight, and his eyes began to burn with unshed tears against his wishes. He had to hold it together now. He needed to talk about it with Sakaeguchi and Suyama. He needed someone to tell him what to do.

_“I’m… leaving…”_

Swallowing in an attempt to clear his throat, Hanai lifted his head away from Sakaeguchi, but he was grateful that Sakaeguchi’s hand was still comforting him by rubbing circles on his back. Focusing on that feeling and nothing else, Hanai opened his mouth. “He’s leaving,” he said, but grimaced when his own voice cracked.

Sakaeguchi’s hand stilled briefly before continuing his movements. “Leaving?” Hanai missed the silent conversation between Sakaeguchi and Suyama as he stared at the ground. A glass of water appeared in his vision, and he took it, thanking Suyama in the process. Suyama disappeared down the hallway, leaving him with Sakaeguchi. “Who’s leaving, Hanai?”

Hanai let out a bitter laugh. “Who do you think?” He turned his gaze to Sakaeguchi before looking down at the water in his hands. He took a small sip, relieving some of the pain in his throat.

The next words out of Sakaeguchi’s mouth were hesitant. “I didn’t know he was going somewhere-”

“Me neither,” Hanai’s words cut him off - his sorrow replaced by bitterness over the whole situation. “Sorry,” he muttered, guilt taking over him. He knew he shouldn’t snap at his friend, especially not Sakaeguchi, who had been there for him from the start, but it was just so hard to keep his emotions in check. 

“It’s okay.” The gentle squeeze on his shoulders ensured Hanai that he was forgiven for his little outburst. The apartment was silent aside from Hanai’s shaky breaths as he tried to prevent himself from breaking down again. “Hanai…” He could hear a question on the tip of Sakaeguchi’s tongue and waited. “When is he leaving?”

That was all it took for his heart to shatter. A sob escaped him as his body shook in attempts to reel in the emotions, but it was hard.

_“When?”_ Hanai had asked him. He had barely recognized his own voice. It had sounded so distant and detached.

_“Two days…”_

Why did he wait so long? _Why didn’t he tell me sooner_ , Hanai thought. His hands tightened around the glass to keep them from shaking. If he knew sooner, he could have prepared. Tajima should have said he was even thinking of that sort of move! The anger bubbled up again, but Hanai pushed it down and locked it away.

“Hanai?” Sakaeguchi questioned worriedly when he hadn’t answered.

Taking a shaky breath, he smiled sadly as he said, “two days.”

Sakaeguchi’s eyes widened in surprise, and his hand squeezed Hanai’s shoulder tightly in response. Hanai had wanted to say he had had the same reaction when Tajima told him the news, but he didn’t. He had shut down all the emotions that had threatened to overwhelm him until he was far from Tajima.

Sakaeguchi’s next words brought him back to the present. “Why are you here then?” Hanai looked at him with a frown. “Shouldn’t you be spending all the time you can with him?”

“Why?” Hanai’s voice once again sounded detached to his own ears. He couldn’t see the point of spending time with someone who was just going to leave. Why torture himself like that?

“To talk to him,” Sakaeguchi asked, sounding confused. 

“What’s the point?” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and this time his voice clearly betrayed the pain he was in.

He looked up and found Sakaeguchi watching him carefully. He opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. “It’s just…” Sakaeguchi frowned in thought, picking his words carefully. “Just because he’s leaving, doesn’t mean it has to end.”

_Doesn’t it?_ His thoughts returned bitterly. The anger was building inside him again. They had barely managed as it was. They bickered and argued, and even though they always worked it out, how could they keep that up with… _this_?

Down and down he swirled in his own thoughts. Despair and hopelessness overtook every wishful thought that he and Tajima could keep up what they’ve always done, but there was no light at the end of the tunnel this time. There was no saving this. It was over, and Hanai couldn’t see any good reason as to why he should torture himself with being around someone that already had their sights set on somewhere else - somewhere he couldn’t go.

“It’s called a long distance relationship, Hanai.” Sakaeguchi’s words once again pulled him back from his own thoughts. “People do it all the time.”

He wasn’t wrong, but Hanai knew better. “It won’t work.” His voice was strained as his emotions threatened to overtake him again. “We were already in a long distance relationship,” he whispered. _And we barely kept it together._ It’s why they argued all the time. Not seeing one another for weeks - sometimes months - was almost unbearable. Their schedules never seemed to line up, and they barely even spoke at times.

“Then just keep doing what you’ve been doing.”

It would make sense. It really would if Hanai had any inkling that this would work out, but he didn’t. The distance of the long distance relationship had almost broken them on numerous occasions.

The worst part was Tajima had only been a train ride away. Now… now it really would be impossible.

“It won’t work,” Hanai said again.

He glanced over to see Sakaeguchi staring at him. It had a certain degree of intensity to it, but what bothered Hanai the most was that he couldn’t decipher what was going on in his friend’s mind. “You won’t know unless you try,” he finally said, offering a small yet sad smile. The door down the hall closed, signalling Suyama’s return. “Just think about it, okay?” Sakaeguchi asked, giving his shoulder a small shake.

“Yeah,” he whispered, looking down at the glass of water. 

He looked up when Suyama was back in the room. He thought Suyama looked as exhausted as he was. “Hanai, I’m going to make dinner. Do you want to stay?” He asked with a soft smile on his face.

Shaking his head, Hanai unwrapped himself from Sakaeguchi and the blanket. “I should go home,” he mumbled as he stood.

Sakaeguchi quickly got to his feet. “Are you sure?” He asked. Hanai could tell they were worried about him. He did, afterall, show up sobbing at their frontdoor.

“Yeah,” he looked down, “I have things to think about.”

Smiling sadly, Sakaeguchi pulled him into a quick hug. “If you need anything, just call.”

“Yeah,” he said again, “yeah, I will.”

How Hanai managed to make it home, he wasn’t sure. His mind was so distant and preoccupied he had barely registered anything. Yet, here he was, closing the door to his apartment and locking it out of habit.

Looking around the room, nothing quite felt right. Over two years he has lived here, and never once did it feel so empty and unwelcoming. All he wanted was to turn and run right back out the door in which he’d come. There was too much to think about, and in this small space, there were just too many memories.

Hanai forced himself to walk into the room. His desk was a mess as it always was, but this time he left it as it was. No matter how many times he tried to keep the area clean, it always ended up with papers and books scattered about. He had a feeling it’d stay that way until he graduated. 

Turning away from the desk and to the window, Hanai pulled the curtains back. Light filled the room, causing him to flinch at its brightness. As he looked around him, Hanai decided the light did make some difference. It gave life to the otherwise dull apartment, but he still couldn’t shake the loneliness that was settling in.

The feeling only worsened when he noticed the throw blanket left unfolded on the couch. Walking over, Hanai took the blanket in his hands. He smiled sadly at it as he began to fold it neatly, but half through he found himself sitting on the couch, staring at it. His task left forgotten as unbidden memories took over his thoughts.

_“Why is it always so cold in your apartment?” Tajima complained, wrapping himself in a human cocoon. The tan blanket covered every part of him except his face._

_Hanai laughed as Tajima unceremoniously fell backwards onto the couch. “I told you,” he said, trying to free some of the blanket for himself, “my apartment only gets sunlight for a couple hours in the afternoon. Do you really want me to turn the heat on in the middle of summer?”_

_Tajima tilted his head in thought. Looking directly into Hanai’s eyes, he said, “yes.”_

_Rolling his eyes at the serious expression, Hanai continued searching for the ends of the blanket. “Well I’m not,” he grumbled, crawling onto the couch, “so unroll yourself and share this with me.”_

_“Okay, hold on,” Tajima said. He began squirming around and the next thing Hanai knew Tajima was rolling toward the edge of the couch._

_“Wait!”_

Thud! _Tajima looked up in shock from where he’d ended up on the floor. Hanai stared down at him with his hand outstretched from trying to stop the other from falling. Laughter burst from both of them, filling the air around them._

_“You alright?” Hanai asked, wiping the tears from his eyes._

_Tajima flung the blanket off of him. “Never better!” He grabbed Hanai’s hand and pulled the other down on top of him. Hanai let out a surprised yell at the sudden fall, but before he could complain, Tajima wrapped the blanket around the both of them._

_“The couch would be much better,” Hanai said, wrapping his arms around Tajima and holding him close._

_Tajima’s head rested on his shoulders. “When did we ever do things by the book anyway?” Tajima asked, causing Hanai to laugh loudly._

Wiping away the tears that had begun to form, Hanai cleared his throat that started feeling a little too constricted. He stood from the couch and quickly folded the blanket. He laid it across the back and turned to the rest of the room. Maybe if he could just distract himself from everything, he’d be okay.

So he started cleaning, but there were just too many little things that reminded him of Tajima. He never realized how much the other had become a part of his life. Things he only needed one of, there were now two. Two coasters on the coffee table; two umbrellas by the door; two coffee cups waiting by his coffee maker.

He picked up the second mug, and felt the familiar burn of tears in his eyes. The dark green color was flawless aside from the small chip at the top. His finger rubbed gently over the rough surface. Tajima’s terrified eyes flashed in his mind.

It had been quite comical. Hanai remembered how the cup had slipped from Tajima’s fingers. Tajima had caught it before it could really hit anything hard, but it had touched the counter just enough to chip. He remembered how Tajima’s triumphant smirk had warped into fear.

_“I’m sorry!” Tajima’s voice rose in volume as the panic set in. “I’ll replace it! I swear!”_

_“Tajima!” Hanai yelled over Tajima to get his attention. “It’s okay.” He placed his hands on top of Tajima’s, hoping it would comfort him. “It's just a chip.”_

_“You're not mad?” Tajima asked him, and Hanai shook his head, offering a small smile. “And you're not upset?”_

_“Of course not.” Hanai laughed it off. “If you're that concerned about it, that cup can be yours from now on.”_

The smile that had bloomed on Tajima's face was everything Hanai had needed that day. It had been the first night Tajima had spent at his apartment, and it had probably been even more awkward than the day Tajima had appeared out of nowhere at the cafe. He had wanted to be as welcoming as possible, but Tajima had made it difficult with his awkward silences and overly polite behaviors. 

He placed the mug in the cabinet with the utmost care. He was grateful for that morning. After that little incident, Tajima was able to relax around him and they had fallen back into their usual behavior. Albeit, a bit more subdued than high school, but it had put Hanai at ease at the time.

Sighing, Hanai leaned his arms against the counter. He felt emotionally and physically drained. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of what he and Tajima have - had - together. He just couldn’t shake the fact that even if they tried, it wouldn’t work out. _He’s leaving, how isn’t this ending?_ He thought bitterly, but then regretted it because Sakaeguchi had sounded so sure that it would work. Hanai on the other hand…

He said he would think about it, but he couldn’t think about anything positive. At least… not at this moment.

His feet begrudgingly moved him out of the kitchen and down the hall. There wasn’t an ounce of energy left in him as he fell face first onto his bed. The bed welcomed him as his eyes - heavy from crying - closed. Somehow, he managed to turn off all his thoughts, and sleep took him quickly.

But he was not lucky enough to find sleep peaceful - that was too much to ask for. Hanai dreamt of Tajima. He could make out the other not far from him, back facing Hanai. He tried to call out, but he found his words stuck in his throat.

Then Tajima lifted a bag and slung it over his shoulder. _Wait!_ Hanai thought desperately as he started running. His feet pounded against the ground, and his lungs burned as he tried to catch up to Tajima. Yet no matter how fast or long he ran, Tajima remained out of reach until he walked into the darkness, leaving Hanai alone.

Hanai woke with tears in his eyes. He wiped them away and turned on his side, but once he saw the other side empty, his heart ached all the more. His hand slid over the cold sheets, and he wished the other would just appear and tell him it was all a joke.

But wishes don’t come true.

_“You need a bigger bed,” Tajima decided._

_“Why?” Hanai groaned, snuggling into his pillow and ignoring the other as much as possible._

_“Because,” he said as knelt on the edge of the bed, “how am I supposed to sleep here if all you have is a twin?” Hanai felt the blush on his face and buried his face deeper into his pillow. He felt the bed move as Tajima shifted. Tajima’s body fell onto Hanai’s back, causing the taller to groan at the sudden weight. “This can’t be comfortable for you,” Tajima said and Hanai could feel the other’s breath against his neck._

_“Stop being dramatic,” Hanai grumbled, but made no move to push the other off. “There’s plenty of room.”_

_Tajima’s breathy laugh tickled Hanai’s skin. “You don’t know how much you move in your sleep.”_

_“Me?” Hanai laughed loudly at that statement. “You don’t know how much_ you _move! You literally kicked me off the bed.”_

_Tajima was quiet until, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Tajima laughed along with Hanai this time because they both knew the one who couldn’t sleep in one spot was definitely not Hanai._

_Hanai shifted until he managed to get Tajima beside him. “I’ll think about it,” he said, wrapping his arms around Tajima. The smile he received from those words was enough to make up his mind, but Hanai would never tell Tajima that._

With a sigh, Hanai sat up in bed. He needed to get out of the apartment. There were too many memories in this small place. His body was on autopilot as he moved about getting ready. Once he was dressed, he was out the door.

He walked aimlessly on the streets. His eyes took in his surroundings, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about any of it. He found himself afraid to let his mind process the world around. He didn’t want to be reminded about Tajima over and over again - he had already had enough of that at his apartment.

He was content to just wander and pass the day away. He didn’t want to worry; he didn’t want to cry again. He didn’t want to think about what tomorrow held. He just wanted to forget, and he was doing a good job at it. Until, however, his stomach started to grumble.

Looking around himself, Hanai noted that he’d made his way toward his favorite cafe. _It couldn’t hurt_ , he thought. Besides, his watch was telling him that two hours had already passed since he’d begun his walk. He needed food as much as he hated to admit it. He hadn’t even eaten the night before.

The bell chimed as he walked through the door. His senses instantly bombarded by the sounds and smells that momentarily put his soul at ease. There was so much happening that it kept him on his toes. As he stood in line, he watched two children running and laughing around their mother, who scolded them to sit still. There was a group of teenage girls by the front window, giggling to themselves as they watched passerbys. There was the whir of machinery behind the counter as orders were being prepared - one after another - and the constant hum of chatter became the perfect background noise.

Hanai loved it here. It was close to home and to his university. The employees had learned his name within the first year of him frequenting the place, and they were always kind and smiling. It was a welcoming place.

His eyes looked to the board hanging above the counter. He always ordered the same thing, but maybe today he’d order something different. _Is change really what you want, though?_ He asked himself, but quickly dismissed the doubts. Surely, a different type of coffee wouldn’t be so bad. It was still coffee, right? _Right?_

Yes, but…

Hanai’s gaze lingered on one particular drink. _Caffe mocha…_ The pang that had settled down since he left his apartment came back full force. It threatened to leave him breathless, and he could feel his emotions tightening his throat. Not only objects, but words now too…

_“What do you want?” Hanai asked, looking up at the board._

_“Why do you even look at that? You get the same thing every time anyway.” Tajima said, but didn’t answer his question._

_Hanai shrugged. “You never know. Maybe one day something will catch my eye.” Tajima seemed to study him with his sharp gaze. Before he could start fidgeting, Hanai asked him again what he’d like._

_Smiling, Tajima looked up at the board. “I’ll have a hot chocolate.”_

_“Now who’s the one that gets the same thing every time?” Hanai asked, suppressing the laugh before it started._

_This time, Tajima was the one to shrug. “I told you before, didn’t I?” He asked, glancing at Hanai. “I don’t like coffee. It’s too bitter.”_

_Humming in thought, Hanai looked up at the board. “Do you trust me?” He asked as the man in front of them finished paying._

_Tajima eyed him, but his words held nothing but certainty. “Of course I do.” Hanai’s face split in two at the words before turning his attention to the cashier, who was smiling as always._

_“What can I get you, Hanai?” She asked, watching the two happily._

“Hanai?”

Pulled from his thoughts, Hanai looked up to see Tsuya, the cashier, looking at him with worry. He smiled weakly at her, and she returned it as best she could, but Hanai could still see the concern in her eyes. She was his favorite out of the employees. He’d been there when she first started, and was patient with her when she struggled with the orders. She’d just turned sixteen at the time and now she was getting ready to start university the next year. It felt like time had passed in the blink of an eye.

“What can I get you?” Her voice returned to its usual peppy cheer, but he noticed the way her eyes darted around him.

“I…” He trailed off as he looked back up at the sign. “I don’t know…”

She blinked at him. Hanai knew it was because he _always_ knew what he wanted. He didn’t think there was ever a time when he didn’t know what kind of coffee he wanted. “Why don’t…” She licked her lips in thought. “Why don’t I just make you the usual?”

Hanai nodded. “Yeah, sure…”

She rang him up as she normally did, and he paid, giving her a nice tip as usual. _Normal_ , he thought, _everything’s normal._ Maybe if he started saying that enough times it would actually come true.

“Here,” she slid a croissant on a plate to him. When he glanced up at her, she smiled softly. “It’s on the house.”

“I don’t think your boss would approve.”

He tried passing it back, but she shook her head. “You’ve been more than kind to me since I’ve started…” She pushed the plate back toward him. “This is the least I can do.”

“Do I look that bad?” He smiled sadly.

Tsuya looked as though she was trying to find the right words to say, but sighed in defeat. “You’ve been better.”

Hanai thanked her for her generosity as she turned to make his order. He made his way to the back, where his favorite table remained empty just waiting for him to have a seat. He fell into the chair and stared out the window while his hands slowly spun the plate in a circle. He was hungry, but the sight of it made his stomach turn.

The clink of ceramic brought him back to the present. Tsuya had placed his cup in front of him, but she was sitting across from him. “Don’t you have orders?”

She stared at him, and for a brief moment, he was reminded of Tajima. “If I’m overstepping, just tell me to leave.” Hanai knew where this was going. “Is this…” She hesitated, but he waited for her to ask. “Is this about Tajima?”

He wasn’t surprised. The two had grown close over the two years. “Yeah,” he said quietly. A part of him wanted to tell her to leave, but at the same time he wanted companionship.

“Is he alright?”

_“I got an offer from the San Francisco Giants.”_

“More than okay,” he said, looking down at the coffee. The steam swirled into the air in a dance as it dissipated. “He signed with an American team.”

“That’s amazing!” Tsuya cheered happily, and Hanai smiled sadly because he should be that excited as well. Tajima was finally doing what he dreamed, but no… Hanai was selfish, and the part of him that knew that felt guilty for it. “Oh, Hanai…” Tsuya whispered. He looked up to see her calm. “Does that mean you’re moving?”

If only he could. “No, I’m not.”

He watched as her confusion morphed into sadness. “I’m so sorry.” Hanai smiled at her and looked back down. Her hand reached over to give his a squeeze. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

Everyone kept saying that, but… “We’ll see.”

“If you need anything, you know where to find me.” She gestured over to the counter, where the other employee was giving her dark looks as he tried to manage everything on his own.

“I know,” he offered her as genuine a smile as he could muster. “You should probably get back to work before you get in trouble.”

Tsuya laughed. “That’s okay! The manager likes me!” But she still stood and hurried over to the counter to relieve her friend.

Hanai smiled as she worked diligently, taking and making the orders from everyone that came and went. He looked down at the croissant she’d given him. He knew if he didn’t eat it, he’d feel guilty that she spent her own money on him when she was trying to save for university. Sure it was only one croissant, but she had done it out of the kindness of her heart. So he picked it up and began eating it despite the turn in his stomach.

He ate and drank in silence. He thought he could do it without really thinking about anything, but his mind slowly drifted once again.

_Hanai placed the coffee down in front of Tajima, who eyed it carefully. Hanai watched in amusement as Tajima sniffed it and studied the liquid in the cup. “Is it… coffee…?” He asked confused._

_“Yup,” Hanai said. He couldn’t help the smugness in his voice. He knew Tajima was going to like this coffee despite his apparent distaste for it._

_“But it smells like chocolate,” he said, confusion lacing his voice._

_Hanai laughed. “Just try it! You said you trusted me, right?” Tajima nodded. “Then try it.”_

_“Fine,” he grumbled, but Hanai could see the curiosity in his eyes. He watched in anticipation as Tajima blew on the hot liquid, trying to cool it down some before taking a sip. Tajima’s eyes lit up in surprise. “It’s good!” He practically shouted, making Hanai laugh._

_“I told you!” He grinned. “And you doubted me.”_

_“Not even for a second,” Tajima returned the grin._

Hanai finished the rest of his coffee and croissant with a heavy heart. He couldn’t even enjoy his favorite place without the memories. He placed his dish and cup by the counter, waved goodbye to Tsuya, and walked out. At least he would be full on his walk now, and he had somehow managed to waste another hour drinking his coffee.

This time around, the streets were a little busier, and it forced him to actually pay attention. He didn’t want to bump into anyone. What he really wanted to do was just blend into his surroundings, and maybe that’s how he ended up at the park. 

Sitting on a bench, Hanai found himself staring up at the clouds as they passed, periodically blocking out the sun. It was peaceful, and so very, very different from the turmoil raging in his mind. People were having picnics and going for walks. A few were jogging while they listened to something on their phones. There was laughing, and Hanai swore somewhere he could hear someone singing.

Closing his eyes, he tried to listen for the sounds of birds. He thought that maybe he was far enough inside the park, but he could still hear the cars and other sounds coming from the roads. Why was peace so hard to find? 

_“This way!” Tajima exclaimed as he pulled Hanai along behind him. “Come on! Hurry up!”_

_“Tajima! Slow down,” Hanai complained after he almost tripped and fell over his feet when Tajima gave a quick tug to his hand._

_Tajima looked back at him with a smile that even reached his eyes. “I found something that you’re going to love,” he explained and tried to pull Hanai forward again, but Hanai held his ground._

_“Can’t we just walk?” He looked around at the people that were watching them curiously. “People are starting to stare…”_

_“That’s exactly why I have to show you this,” Tajima said, but Hanai noticed that he had stopped trying to drag him across the park._

_They walked - hand in hand - to whatever place Tajima wanted to go. Hanai felt embarrassed at the affection Tajima was showing toward him in public. He knew Tajima was mostly comfortable with himself, but this was new for Hanai. He was afraid of what others would think about them - him. He just wanted to enjoy Tajima’s company without being wary of those around them._

_“Here we are!” Tajima pushed him through a few branches. “What do you think?”_

_Hanai looked around him to find a small clearing. It was mostly shielded from the rest of the park by trees and shrubs, blocking anyone who tried to look in. “How did you find this?” He asked in awe at the small flowers growing where light managed to reach the ground. He would have never thought something like this would be in this park._

_“I was bored one day waiting for you to finish class,” Tajima said with a shrug. He reached out for Hanai and pulled him to the center, where they sat down. Tajima let himself sprawl across the ground, grinning. “Now it’s just the two of us.”_

_Hanai should have known Tajima had seen right through him again. The other was getting much better at doing that. “Yeah,” Hanai lay back as well. “This is much better.” Tajima hummed in agreement._

Looking to his left, Hanai could just make out the cluster of trees that had become their oasis. It was the place they could go to get away from the constant bustle of the world and just be with each other. It was also where so many of their conversations turned serious.

_“How do you do it?” Hanai asked him one day as they relaxed in their little clearing._

_“Do what?” Tajima frowned in confusion._

_“How do you just hold my hand without caring who’s looking?” Hanai elaborated, but felt embarrassed for even asking the question._

_“Because I like you.”_

_“What?”_

_“It’s because I like you that I don’t care about anyone else.”_

Everything about Tajima’s response - his words, eyes, smile - had been sincere. Hanai had been surprised by how genuine the whole thing had been. He had half expected Tajima to just answer with something random, but his words had held so much more than what was actually said.

_Yet here I am_ , Hanai thought bitterly. So much had happened between them, and yet it felt like they were ending before they really even had a chance to begin. “It’s not fair,” he mumbled to himself. Hadn’t they been through enough already?

Forcing himself to stand, Hanai decided he’d had enough of the park. What was the point of being out of his apartment if he was just going to be reminded of Tajima anyway? So he made his way home. It unnerved him a bit that so much of his daily life seemed to revolve around Tajima or at least thoughts of him. How was he supposed to make through his days once Tajima was gone?

His apartment door clicked shut behind him, encasing him in silence. He grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. He couldn’t handle the silence. He didn’t care what was playing on the channel as long as there was some sort of sound in his apartment.

Hanai walked around his apartment, tidying up here and there. There wasn’t much to do exactly, but he didn’t want to sit still either. He was going through a stack of papers on his table when he stopped at a brochure. It listed dogs and cats that had been rescued and up for adoption, and next to the picture of a black dog, a small little heart had been drawn.

_“We should get one,” Tajima said as he walked into Hanai’s apartment one day._

_“One, what?” Hanai asked confused. He was sitting at his desk only half listening to Tajima as he tried to figure out the case study his professor had given him in one of his classes. It seemed like maybe the athlete had just sprained her ankle, but it could be worse. Perhaps he should suggest an x-ray with the amount of bruising that occurred…_

_“A dog.”_

_“Dog?” Hanai blinked. Turning in his seat, he saw Tajima looking at a pamphlet that had pictures of cats and dogs. “You want to get a dog?”_

_“I want_ us _to get a dog,” Tajima clarified. “He could stay at my place. There’s definitely more space for him there.”_

_“H-hold on a second…” Hanai tried to slow Tajima down before he could make up his mind about this, but it seemed as though there was no stopping the other._

_“But I’m here more often than you coming to me,” Tajima frowned. “If I get a car, we could drive in to visit you! But are you even allowed to have pets here?” Hanai stared at Tajima, not knowing exactly what to say to that. He was feeling overwhelmed again. “Hanai? What’s wrong?”_

_“Um…” Hanai licked his lips, trying to think of something to say._

_“Was it…” Tajima smiled sheepishly. “I mean… Is it too soon?” Hanai didn’t want to disappoint Tajima, but for him it really was too soon. So he nodded and felt a knot tighten in his stomach when Tajima’s face fell. “Maybe some other time.”_

_The smile Tajima offered him didn’t make him feel any better. “Sorry…”_

_“Don’t apologize.” Tajima frowned, tucking the pamphlet into his pocket for safekeeping. “I’m the one that should apologize. I just kinda… jumped into it.” They smiled at each other. Hanai was glad they were getting better at communicating._

_And yet…_ Hanai frowned. _He never told me when he’d gotten an offer to play overseas…_ Hanai held the pamphlet over the trash. He wouldn’t be needing this anymore. They obviously wouldn’t be able to get a dog together. It wouldn’t be happy in Hanai’s small apartment, and Tajima probably wouldn’t be coming back very often if at all. But he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Throwing it away was like admitting it was over, and even though Hanai doubted they could ever make it, he couldn’t quite accept it.

Hanai smiled slightly as he walked over to his desk, placing the paper into one of its drawers. _Sakaeguchi would be so proud_ , he thought. If the other knew Hanai was was having doubts about well… his doubts… he’d be over the moon. Sakaeguchi would probably throw in a few ‘I told you so’s for good measure. 

But it didn’t change the fact that Tajima was leaving, and Hanai would forever be stuck in one place. Their paths were separating again. Tajima’s was veering off to better and higher places, and Hanai was still headed down his straight and narrow path. He didn’t want to think they were only meant to cross at this moment in time, but it was starting to feel that way.

Groaning, Hanai rubbed his temples as he made his way to his bedroom. It was still relatively early, but he was exhausted - emotionally and physically. He fell onto his bed with a sigh, and did his best to ignore the way the scent of Tajima’s shampoo had clung to the pillow. Maybe he should have washed that pillowcase, but it was too late now. Hanai was too tired for that, and the smell somehow managed to calm him some. 

Tajima would leave tomorrow on the 2:00 flight. He’d probably get there around noon to check his luggage and get through security. He’d probably wait around at the gate or go and get some food.

Hanai wondered if Tajima would hope to see him. He wondered if he should really go and see him off. Say goodbye properly like Sakaeguchi would want him to. He didn’t want to, but a piece of him would feel like a coward if he didn’t. 

And as his eyes closed, Hanai remembered Tajima’s sad eyes when he had left without saying a word. His dreams taunted him and showed him Tajima’s anxious eyes. His lips were moving, saying something that Hanai just couldn’t make out. Tajima waited and waited for his response, but Hanai didn't say the words he wanted. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t do that no matter how Tajima looked at him. If he said the words they both wanted to hear, he’d never live with himself.

_I’m sorry._ He didn’t know who he was apologizing to.

The sound of his cellphone ringing pulled him from his dream. He blinked a few times before searching his bed for the sound. Finding it, he saw Sakaeguchi’s name flashing on the screen. _What does he want so early in the morning?_

“Hello?” He answered, clearing his throats in the process. 

“You’re not up yet?” Sakaeguchi sounded annoyed on the other end.

“What time is it?” Hanai rubbed his eyes and attempted to stifle a yawn.

Sakaeguchi huffed. “It’s almost noon!”

“Noon?” Hanai glanced at the alarm clock by his bed. Sure enough the numbers agreed with Sakaeguchi. “Sorry,” he mumbled, but didn’t understand why Sakaeguchi was so mad at him, “did we have plans today?”

Another sigh was his answer. “No, _we_ didn’t have plans, but I was hoping that _you_ did.”

“Me?” Hanai asked confused. What plans could he possibly have? The only thing he felt like doing was going back to sleep to hopefully get a better rest.

“Yes,” was the curt reply, “and it involves a certain boyfriend of yours.”

_Tajima._ Hanai sighed this time. He should have known Sakaeguchi would pester him about going to the airport to see the other off. “I don’t think I should go.”

“Why?” Sakaeguchi snapped at him. “What’s keeping you from going? At this rate, the two of you won’t even speak before he leaves! Do you not want to stay together?”

“That’s not-”

“Are you planning to wait until he’s in another country to decide what to do?” Sakaeguchi pressed. “I thought you were better than that, Hanai.”

“That’s not it!” Hanai’s voice rose. He was desperate to get his words in.

“Then what?” Sakaeguchi asked in a softer tone. “What’s keeping you from going to see him?”

Hanai thought back to his dream and sighed. “I couldn’t say it,” he mumbled, knowing Sakaeguchi would still hear him, “and I’m afraid if I go, I will. Then I’ll never live with myself.”

“Hanai…” Sakaeguchi said cautiously. “What are you talking about?”

Taking a breath, Hanai prepared to explain himself. “I always knew he was meant to do something greater than Japan, and I promised myself that I wouldn’t stop him from doing what he wanted.” He licked his lips and stared at the wall in front of him. “Sakaeguchi… when he told me about the contract and when he was leaving, he was looking at me like he was waiting for me to tell him not to go.”

“Hanai…”

“And… and I couldn’t say it. I wouldn’t say it.” Because he had promised himself. “I was afraid I would, so I just left without saying anything. He looked devastated.”

“Hanai, it’s because you love him,” Sakaeguchi tried to comfort him. “Like you said, you’d never stop him, especially if it’s something he loves.”

“But I’ll never be able to follow him… not where he’s going.” Hanai whispered in defeat.

“That doesn’t mean it has to be over.”

“Doesn’t it though?” He asked, voicing his thoughts from two days ago. 

“No,” Sakaeguchi said seriously. “Look at what the two of you have already gone through. You’ve made it this far. Won’t you be disappointed if you don’t even give it a shot?” _Yes_ , Hanai thought bitterly. Yes, he would. “I think you should go to the airport and see him before he leaves.”

“What if I break and beg him to stay?” Hanai asked, voicing his true concern. What would happen if he really said it and Tajima agreed? 

“I don’t think you will,” Sakaeguchi explained, “so you should go.”

Hanai looked at the time. He felt his heart drop. “I won’t make it.”

“You should at least try,” Sakaeguchi urged. “If you hurry, you might make it.”

“Alright,” he mumbled, prying himself from his bed. “Alright, I’ll try.”

“Good,” Sakaeguchi said. He wished Hanai luck and hung up, leaving Hanai to rush around his apartment.

Hanai grabbed whatever clothes his hands found. He didn’t particularly care what he wore as long as he had actual clothing on his body. He brushed his teeth and grabbed his keys, phone and wallet. His hands shook as he tried to rush through tying his shoes. _Breathe_ , he told himself in an attempt to settle his nerves.

Tajima’s flight left in less than two hours. _I’m not going to make it_ , he thought as he ran out his door. The airport was an hour’s drive from his apartment, and he’d have to get a cab. He ran out of his building and looked up and down the busy streets.

“Hanai!” He looked over and saw Suyama waving to him from his car. Hanai didn’t even answer. He just ran over and got in the car as Suyama did. “I figured you’d need a ride,” the other said as he began driving as soon as Hanai had closed the door.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, turning his attention out the window. He kept glancing at the time on the dashboard. Why couldn’t time just slow down this once? It was moving so quickly, and it felt like they weren’t getting anywhere far. _We won’t make it_ , he thought again. His leg bounced anxiously. The radio played some sort of rock music he’d never heard before. They passed car after car, moving from one lane to another. 

The closer they got to the airport, the more planes Hanai could see flying to and from. What if one of those was Tajima’s? What if he left already? He pulled his eyes away from the sky and looked down at his hands. They were almost there. He just had to wait a little longer.

Once Suyama pulled up to the curb, Hanai already had the door open. He stumbled out before the car was fully stopped, but caught himself. He heard Suyama say something behind him, but he was already running to the doors. He’d thank his friend for the help later.

Dodging people and suitcases, Hanai frantically made it through the doors. He looked at the lines of people waiting to check their bags, and at the people hurrying about. He didn’t know where to go or what to do. He looked at his phone and paled when his eyes saw the time. He walked to the board of departures and arrivals. Scanning the list, he found Tajima’s would be flight.

_Departed._ Hanai felt his shoulders sag. He was too late. He had missed him. Tajima was already on his way to the United States. He probably thought Hanai hated him or didn’t care about him. He probably thought it was all over. Hanai needed to figure out when Tajima’s flight would land so he could figure out how to contact him. And then another thought… if he was in another country, he couldn’t just call him, could he?

“Hanai?” Hanai turned at the sound of his name, and there he was - Tajima. Hanai watched as the other’s face shifted from surprised and shocked to relief, and Hanai thought his own face probably mirrored Tajima’s. The other gripped the strap to his carry on tightly that even his knuckles began to turn white. “You came,” he whispered, staring at Hanai as though he may just disappear if he blinked.

Hanai struggled to comprehend anything aside from the person that stood a few feet away. “You’re still here,” he whispered. Any other time he would have felt embarrassed over stating the obvious, but right now… there were a lot of emotions coursing through him, and he couldn’t quite pinpoint them all. He could, however, feel the joy at seeing Tajima again, and despite all the disappoint he’d been feeling the last few days, a small smile stretched across his lips. “I thought you’d be gone by now.”

“I…” Tajima’s grip tightened on his bag. “I changed my flight to a later one.”

“Why?” Hanai frowned. If he could just think a little clearer, he’d be able to put two and two together, but the only thing he was managing to do was gaze at his boyfriend of two years like he was some sort of mirage. Maybe he had gone crazy and was just imagining things.

Shrugging, Tajima shifted on his feet, but his eyes never left Hanai. “I had a feeling you’d come.”

Tajima had had a feeling and changed his flight, but Hanai hadn’t even known he’d show up until a couple hours ago. It left an unpleasant feeling in his mouth. Tajima had had so much faith in him, but Hanai didn’t deserve it, not really. He’d spent the last day moping about, reliving all the good times they had had together and expecting everything to fall apart. Yet Tajima hadn’t given up on them.

Three strides and Hanai was able to wrap his arms around Tajima’s shoulders and hold him close. He felt relief when Tajima’s hands wrapped around his torso. This was real. Tajima was right in front of him. “Sorry I’m late,” he mumbled against Tajima’s ear.

Hanai could hear the hitch as Tajima took a breath in and let out a shaky laugh. “Late? My flight doesn’t leave for another two hours. I’d say you’re early.”

He knew Tajima was trying to make light of the situation, but Hanai knew better. He had been very close to messing everything up for them. Minutes passed, but neither of them attempted to move away. Hanai didn’t even care that they were holding each other like this in front of so many people. All he cared about was Tajima. Maybe this is what Tajima meant when he said he didn’t care about others. All he cared about was his love for Hanai, and it had taken Hanai until now to understand when he was about to lose Tajima.

Tajima’s hands gripped at his shirt. “I don’t want to go,” he admitted quietly.

The words hurt Hanai more than he could have imagined. This was worse than the look Tajima had given two days ago. Hanai had to be strong for the both of them now. “I know,” he said just as quietly. “I don’t want you to go either,” he confessed, “but you have to. This is what you’ve always wanted.”

“I know, but…” His words trailed off.

“But what?”

Tajima pulled back to look at him. Hanai could see the vulnerability in his eyes. “I made it because of you, but you won’t be over there with me.”

Hanai wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he just winged it. “Not physically, no…” That much was true. “But I think you’re giving me too much credit. You did everything on your own. Besides, I’m a phone call away,” he hoped, “so just do what you always do.”

Tajima seemed to consider that. “So you want to try to continue this?”

“We’ve made it this far, right?” Hanai asked, repeating the words Sakaeguchi had said to him hours earlier. “It’s worth a shot to keep trying, right?”

A grin spread across Tajima’s face. He leaned up on his toes and pressed a quick kiss to Hanai’s lips. It was fast enough that the chance of someone seeing was slim, but it still cause a blush to spread across Hanai’s face. The thought that it wasn’t enough for the amount of time they were about to spend apart surfaced. “You’re right,” Tajima said. “I should probably go now.” He looked over to where the security check line was growing by the minute. Tajima took Hanai’s hand, giving a brief squeeze. “I’ll let you know when I land?” It was supposed to be a statement, but it had come out more like a question.

Nodding, Hanai offered a small smile. “I guess this is goodbye?” He asked and looked down at their hands.

“Not goodbye. Like you said, we’ll just be a phone call away.” Hanai smiled at that. “How about… Until next time.”

Hanai laughed. “Until next time.” He grinned through his sadness. He pulled Tajima in for one more hug. “I’ll wait for your call.” He pulled away to give Tajima a quick kiss.

Tajima looked at him surprised, and Hanai laughed as he stole another kiss. “If you keep kissing me, I’m never going to leave.” They both laughed as Hanai stepped away.

“Go,” he said seriously. “I’ll talk to you later.”

With watery eyes, Tajima stepped away. Hanai stayed put, watching Tajima go. Every minute or so, Tajima would look back at him and smile sadly, seeing as he hadn't left yet. And Hanai didn't leave until Tajima was through the security check, and they gave each other one more wave goodbye. He watched as Tajima disappeared behind a corner, and his spirits fell.

It was done. Tajima was off to his terminal, where he would wait for his plane to the United States. Hanai was stuck in Japan, where he would anxiously wait for Tajima’s call, letting him know he had arrived safely. Willing his body to move, Hanai turned and walked out of the airport. He looked around, but couldn't find Suyama. A quick call, and Suyama was there picking him up in less than a minute.

Hanai noticed, as they drove, Suyama’s glances filled with worry. Hanai had not said anything besides thanking him for the ride, and Suyama looked as though he was trying to figure out how to ask what he wanted. Deciding to put his friend at ease, Hanai offered a small smile. “I saw him,” he explained, “and for now… for now we’re good.”

The words seemed to be what Suyama wanted to hear because Hanai noticed the other’s shoulders sag in relief. “That’s good,” he said, focusing on the road. 

The drive home was much less stressful with Suyama taking his time and Hanai closing his eyes. The last few days really had left him feeling drained. He needed a break from life, but the world wasn't that understanding. He would still have to go to classes in the morning and practices afterward. Life would go on as though Tajima had never left or that their relationship had not just gone through a major change. No one would really know besides the two of them and a few of their friends. They were just something small in a world with much better things to worry about. 

“Do you want to have dinner with us?” Suyama spoke over the sound of the radio.

Opening his eyes, Hanai realized they were not far from where they both lived. “Yeah,” Hanai whispered. “If you don’t mind.” He knew if he went home now, he’d probably just end up falling into bed and not eating, and if he did that, he’d go the full day without getting any food.

Suyama chuckled. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you there.” Hanai smiled at that. He really needed to do something for Suyama and Sakaeguchi for all they’ve done for him.

Dinner with the two, however, was something else. They kept the conversation lighthearted. Neither of them brought up his parting with Tajima. Maybe it was because they had separated on good terms. He also noticed that the two were very cautious on how much affection they showed each. Hanai was so used to their casual touches and meaningful stares that the lack of it was obvious. He understood though. They didn't want him to feel upset, and he knew they were trying to be discreet, but knowing what they were doing was almost frustrating. 

He wasn't some wounded animal that needed protection, though the last two days would depict otherwise. He just wanted normalcy. He didn't want to be tiptoed around. After eating and watching a movie, Hanai decided it was time to go. He hadn't really paid attention to the movie anyway. He had ended up checking on Tajima’s flight every 30 minutes or so. 

Sakaeguchi complained that Hanai hadn't spent a lot of time with them lately, but thankfully Suyama convinced his boyfriend to let Hanai leave. Hanai’s walk home was short. His apartment still felt empty. There were still memories that clung to each object his eyes fell upon, but it wasn't painful this time. There was an ache, of course, due to the distance separating them, but Hanai wasn't as scared as he had been. 

Crawling into bed, Hanai set his alarm for his morning classes and scrolled through social media. He played a few games and read some articles. All in hopes of passing the time until Tajima’s flight landed safely.

Somewhere along the line, he had fallen asleep, and the blaring ringtone he had set startled him awake. Sitting up, he frantically searched for his phone. He didn't need to check who was calling at such an hour as he pressed the phone to his ear. 

“Hello?” He asked, voice groggy from sleep. He rubbed at his eyes and looked at his alarm clock. _Two o'clock in the morning?_

“Hanai!” Tajima’s voice was much too cheery. “I'm in San Francisco and it's so weird. There's so much English. And it's even earlier on Sunday than when I left!” Hanai had to smile at the ridiculous things Tajima was saying. Of course there would be English, and of course there was going to be a time difference. But Tajima’s excitement stopped Hanai from teasing him. “What are you doing?” Tajima asked when Hanai didn't respond. 

“Sleeping,” he mumbled, closing his eyes.

“Sleeping? Don't you have class?”

“Yeah in about five hours,” he chuckled. 

“Five hours?” Hanai could imagine the confusion on Tajima’s face. “What time is it?”

“Two o'clock Monday morning…” He glared at the red numbers of his clock. 

“Oh…”

“Yeah we need to figure out a good time for phone calls.” He laughed, falling back onto his pillows. 

“Yeah,” Tajima mused, “we will. Go back to sleep, Hanai.”

Humming, Hanai closed his eyes. “Tajima?” He mumbled. He heard the other hum. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

And Hanai fell asleep to the mental image of Tajima grinning from ear to ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Remember how I said _last chapter_ would be the longest of this fic? LOL Apparently I lied. I'm sorry for the long wait, but hopefully this long chapter makes up for it!
> 
> ALSO you should all thank me. I had many endings to this chapter. 1: Hanai just didn't go to the airport. 2: He went but didn't make it in time. 3: the same ending, but fast forward in time and it ended on a sad note. BUT I thought I made the chapter sad enough it deserved a happy ending. And sorry for errors. I only read over the chapter once. I'll edit again maybe.
> 
> Anyway, there are only 2 chapters left, and I hope you will put up with my updates happening like once a month. I don't think the last two chapters will be heavy on the angst, so it should be better and I plan to make the ending happy so there's that!
> 
> I don't know if people actually read these notes besides myself, but if you are thank you again for reading this fic of mine!


	6. But for now we stay so far 'til our lonely limbs collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "From which stars have we fallen to meet each other here?" - Friedrich Nietzsche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last prompt from tajihana week! Months later... I've finally completed it. But! I had to split this chapter into 2 because it was just so long, and it didn't go the way I intended at all which means there will be more chapters than I originally anticipated so I hope you stick around. Also sorry for the late update but thank you to everyone who reads and comments and kudos. You are all amazing and I hope you have an amazing day!
> 
> Title from "You And I" by PVRIS

Hanai had only had one relationship, and he was well aware that he was no expert. In fact, his one and only relationship with Tajima wouldn’t have even started without the push of his friends to go forward. Even though he was inexperienced, he had a feeling that this sort of break was the worst because there was no actual break.

It had started out strong. They developed a schedule for when the best times to call were. They planned video calls at least once a month to build some sort of normalcy. They favored messaging the most because it was easiest to have a conversation when you responded whenever available, and it allowed for Tajima’s spontaneousness.

Everything had been steady. They didn’t fight or argue, which should have been Hanai’s first indicator that it wouldn’t work. In a way, it was like Tajima had never left at all. Hanai remembered thinking Sakaeguchi was right all along. They had already been through so much, they could surely make it over this hurdle. But all honeymoons come to an end at some point.

Hanai thought theirs ended a little over a month after Tajima left. Stress had begun to creep up on both of them. For Hanai, it had been his last year of university. With graduation not far away, he had been trying to determine what his next steps were. Would he go to graduate school, or maybe find a job? Was his resume going to be strong enough? What if he couldn’t find work? Those were all thoughts and concerns swirling around his mind back then.

Tajima’s stresses had happened sooner than Hanai’s. It had almost been immediate, but it took awhile before it really got to him. Tajima had never been good at languages, and being in another country where he barely understood anything had been overwhelming. After he had snapped at Hanai for the fourth time, the latter had mentioned getting an English tutor, which Tajima surprisingly agreed to.

Slowly but surely, as time passed, the distance between them grew. The video calls were the first to suffer, and quickly became nonexistent with their hectic schedules. Phone calls occurred less and less. Baseball season picked up and it was hard to find the time with games, practices, and meetings. Hanai knew that at least some of the blame was on him. He distinctly remembered putting his studies above his relationship. Even their messaging became sporadic at best.

They drifted farther and farther apart as time went on. Hanai began working toward applying for graduate school. Tajima, even during his time off, opted to stay in the States to further his career. Then Hanai graduated and began graduate school just a couple months later. Homework and classes took over his waking hours. He threw himself into his work without really thinking about anything else. Even Sakaeguchi and Suyama couldn’t pull him out of it. 

Soon, it was like the two weren’t even dating at all. Hanai remembered feeling empty and lonely each night he went to bed. When his mind wasn’t consumed with work, it remembered what he had forgotten, and for a brief moment before sleep took hold of him, he felt guilty. Yet, the next morning, he buried it down again. It wasn’t until Sakaeguchi came knocking at his door that his somewhat comfortable life was thrown off its rails.

“What are you doing?” Hanai was not prepared for the harsh tone when he opened the door. Sakaeguchi pushed past him and into his new home. “When was the last time you spoke to Tajima?”

Hanai frowned closing the door. “I don't remember,” he said honestly because he knew at this point in their friendship that Sakaeguchi would get the truth out of him eventually. 

“That's not good enough.” Sakaeguchi turned to him with anger in his eyes, but then it softened just a bit. “What happened to the two of you?”

Hanai felt the familiar sinking feeling in his chest. “I don't know,” he whispered. Everything had changed by the time he realized, and it was too late to go back. “Life happened…”

That's all it took for Sakaeguchi to deflate. There was no longer anger, but sadness. “I'm so sorry Hanai…”

Hanai shrugged. He knew neither could really blame the other. It came down to life just getting in the way. In hindsight, Hanai could have been a better boyfriend - tried a little harder - but it was useless thinking about it now. Maybe he could learn from his mistakes and his next relationship would be better. 

So life went on. The few weeks after his talk with Sakaeguchi, there was this constant ache in his chest and the sense that something was missing. His life felt a little off, but he had to push it aside to finish his graduate work. He wasn't going to waste two years of his life just to fall apart at the end, and thankfully his friends let him be. 

Final exams came and went. Hanai went to various interviews with different companies and surgeons. Suddenly, graduation was upon him and he found himself surrounded by friends and family. Almost the entire Nishiura team had come - invited by Sakaeguchi. Some had been unable to attend like Shinooka and Mizutani, who had just welcomed a baby into their lives. Hanai looked around, hoping to see a familiar face, but the hand on his shoulder told him the other hadn't come. He forced himself to push the disappointment away, and it was a lot easier to do when surrounded by so many friends. 

And so life continued on. Hanai began working at a surgical center as one of their physical therapists. Most of his clients were older, but a few younger people passed through the center. He was content with his life. He made enough money to buy a small house with a backyard. He was able to support himself easily, but most importantly, he was able to convince himself that he was happy with the way his life was. 

But Sakaeguchi thought otherwise. His friend always came over, bugging him to go out and meet new people. He said he wanted Hanai to be happy, which Hanai responded by lying that he was. Sakaeguchi wasn't convinced. He dragged Hanai to see Mizutani’s baby girl. She was sweet and adorable, but Hanai hated the bitterness of his thoughts that said he'd never have what they had. Then it was Mizutani and Shinooka's wedding. Everyone from Nishiura besides Tajima made it to this one, and Hanai knew the other’s presence was missed by everyone. It just didn't feel right without him. 

With a year of work under his belt, Hanai finally felt content enough to allow himself to have a little fun. He tried going to a club like one of his friends suggested, but it really just wasn't his scene. He wanted something long term, but everyone there had only been interested in what was happening that night. He was almost 25. He wasn’t interested in that anymore, but then again… he was never really interested to begin with. 

So Hanai went with what he felt was right. Every Saturday morning, he would take his book to a local coffee shop, order a coffee, and relax. He could say he left his house now when Sakaeguchi asked. Maybe he wasn't necessarily meeting new people, but the hours he spent at the cafe made him happy. He fell into the routine easily, and soon the baristas knew his order by heart. 

Then, by some miracle, he met someone. He was a nice guy. He approached Hanai one Saturday, and they sat around talking about the book Hanai was reading. Hanai found out his name was Hayato, and they exchanged numbers when Hanai had to leave. When Hanai told Sakaeguchi about it, the other was over the moon at the thought of Hanai moving on. He wouldn't even listen when Hanai tried to explain he didn't know if the man was even gay, but Sakaeguchi said, “it doesn't matter because you are actually _meeting_ people!”

It was funny how that's all it took to make Sakaeguchi happy, and Hanai was happier as well. He and Hayato were very similar, so they got along well. It gave him an opportunity to talk to and be around someone other than Sakaeguchi and Suyama. Besides, he was getting tired of being a third wheel all the time even if Sakaeguchi told him time and time again it wasn't a problem. 

The two of them became quick friends, but Hanai really wasn’t sure if there was something more that could be explored. It wasn’t until Hayato invited him over to watch a movie did things become clear. With the movie forgotten, the two found themselves wrapped in each other’s arms and legs tangled together. It was clumsy as their lips got used to moving together, and their hands moved slowly, unsure as to how far they could go with their touches.

But as awkward as it was, Hanai felt something that he hadn’t felt in a long time. He felt wanted, and… and needed. There was someone else in this world that wanted him, and it made him so unbelievably happy that he couldn’t stop the smile forming on his lips as they finally found the perfect rhythm. This was what he needed, and Hanai felt he could finally move on.

When he told Sakaeguchi about what happened, the other smiled at him. There were a few ‘I told you so’s thrown around, which actually made Hanai laugh for once. Sakaeguchi then went on to talk about all the things the two couples could do together. It would be a lot of fun, Hanai told himself. He had never been able to do that much with Tajima as the other had been busy so often.

He was happy. That’s what Hanai told himself, and he was. Yet somewhere in the next months of dating, the love seemed to lack the luster it had started with. Somewhere during their double dates with Sakaeguchi and Suyama did he realize that something was just missing. When he told himself he was happy, it began to sound like he was convincing himself. That’s when he realized that maybe - just maybe - he wasn’t truly happy.

So he went to the one person he knew he could talk to. Sakaeguchi had been there through everything, and he knew he was the only person that he could talk to and really make sense of anything. “It doesn’t make sense,” he said, sitting beside Sakaeguchi at a park.

“What doesn’t?” Sakaeguchi asked. His face contorted in confusion and Hanai realized he hadn’t actually explained why they were even meeting.

He just couldn’t find the words to explain without him feeling like a jerk. “I feel like…” He licked his lips as he thought it over. “It feels like there’s something missing.”

Sakaeguchi blinked, but when Hanai didn’t continue, he tried to fill in the gaps. “Between you and Hayato?” Hanai nodded. “I’m not really sure if I know what you mean.”

Hanai wasn’t sure how to explain what he meant. “When I see you with Suyama,” he said, figuring to go with an example, “I can tell how much you and he care for each other,” a blush formed on Sakaeguchi’s face, “but when I look at me and Hayato, something’s missing. I have fun when I’m with him, but…”

“There’s no spark?” Sakaeguchi offered trying to fill in the blanks.

“Yeah,” Hanai breathed out. When put that way, yes… there was a spark in their relationship that was missing.

“Do you love him, Hanai?” 

Did he love Hayato? Hanai stared out at the park, thinking about the question. But that was it, wasn’t it? He shouldn’t have to think about whether or not he loved someone. The quick answer would have been: yes, he loved Hayato. Thinking about it just meant he didn’t. Looking down at his hands, Hanai shook his head. Sakaeguchi’s hand found his, giving it a comforting squeeze. Hanai felt tears forming in his eyes as he gripped Sakaeguchi’s hand like his life depended on it, and words that he had yet to say out loud fell from his lips. “I miss him…”

Sakaeguchi didn’t need to be told who Hanai missed. He wrapped his arms around Hanai and let him cry into his shoulder. “I know…” Sakaeguchi whispered, running a hand up and down Hanai’s arm comfortingly. It was the first time Hanai had ever voiced his feelings about Tajima and the emotions had just built up to a point where they burst out of him. It wasn't that something was missing. Hayato just wasn't Tajima, and Hanai just couldn't let go yet. 

Two days later, Hanai gathered his courage to talk to Hayato. To his relief, there was no anger between the two of them. After Hanai explained himself and apologized, there was just this quiet understanding that made the split that much easier. Hayato brought up remaining friends, but they both knew going back to that would be difficult. Hanai agreed, but he wouldn't be disappointed if they truly went their separate ways. 

Hanai found himself in the company of Sakaeguchi and Suyama more often. The initial grief of losing Tajima left him with a desire to not be alone. Being alone meant being with his thoughts and emotions. At least the company of his friends could serve as a distraction from it all until he found a way to let it go. 

It was hard. The acknowledgement of it all left him feeling hollow. He should have expected it really. They may have only dated for a couple years, but Hanai had loved Tajima for much, much longer. When someone was such a constant in your life and thoughts, walking away felt like ripping out a piece of who you were. It changed you. It was a metamorphosis that Hanai wasn't entirely ready to embrace, but it was necessary. 

He began doing his own thing. He went out of his comfort zone. New experiences opened his eyes to new likes and dislikes. If he was going to stay single for awhile, he was going to understand himself better. Knowing himself meant knowing what he wanted, and that would lead him down the right path. 

At first, he did small things. At the cafe, he would try a new type of coffee instead of sticking with what he knew. He found a new favorite coffee that way and Hanai could honestly say it made him happy. Then he started taking trips on his own. He'd get away on the weekends. Sometimes he'd go sightseeing, and sometimes he'd go to the beach and walk along the shores. His favorite by far, however, were his hiking trips. The mountains were beautiful; the air was clean; and the views were breathtaking. It made him feel present and one with nature. It healed him and cleared his mind. 

He could finally say that he knew what he wanted to do. So he took the steps to reach that point. The first thing he did was put in his two weeks notice. He had enough money saved already that being jobless for a little wouldn't hurt. He just knew he needed space. The second thing he did was start his search. He needed to find a place to call his own, and he found it in a town not far from his favorite hiking place. He bought a home with a spacious backyard. It was small but quaint - just what he wanted. Sakaeguchi and Suyama were there to help him move, and Hanai found it cute how Sakaeguchi said he was okay with it but pouted more than 75 percent of the time. 

His next step was to find a job. When he realized there wasn't much nearby, he started another plan. It would be hard, but worth it. That's what he told himself when his new job got him on a train at 5 in the morning for over an hour commute. _It will be worth it_ , he thought as he listened to a professor lecture through an online course. “It will be worth it,” he mumbled to himself during those near sleepless nights as he studied for exams. 

And it was. Within a few years of being a part time student, Hanai had a degree in business. He saved money and bought a building. It took almost a year to get it renovated, but when it was done, Hanai felt a sense of pride as he looked it over. He reached out to friends from school and his alma mater. He put out job notices, and slowly but surely his small physical therapy center began to grow. 

It was a lot of work and stress on Hanai’s part, but when everything was said and done, there was a sense of pride at finally opening his practice. This is what he wanted to do. It was where he belonged - he could feel it - and it was finally coming to recognition. He was really happy with everything. Sakaeguchi and Suyama even came to celebrate when Hanai told them he had already had his first couple clients. 

To his relief, there was no shortage of clients. Most were elderly in these parts, but a few young kids came through his door on crutches or from just getting their casts removed. His clients were all happy to have someone close by they could go to and helped them all as best he could, understanding the economic status of a few. The older women joked with him, saying they had a few granddaughters they wanted him to meet and that it was a shame such a handsome and respectful young man was single. Hanai always laughed it off, simply replying that he was waiting for the right person to come along. 

And he was waiting, but he didn't feel pressured to find someone. This realization brought a smile to his face. Hanai knew who he was and where he was. He even had a plan for the future. The comfort that he felt within himself spread to his relationships. He talked to his parents more, and even promised his mother to visit on days other than holidays. His sisters came to visit during their breaks from school or work, but often they mentioned how lonely his place felt. 

So Hanai made sure his family would grow. He first adopted Shiro, who oddly enough was a black lab. Shiro was one year old when he brought him home from the shelter, and it was then that Hanai realized his sisters had been right. It was much livelier with Shiro running around the house and playing in the backyard, and it was nice to have company on his runs and hiking trips. As energetic as the pup was, he was surprisingly well behaved and a bit of a cuddler. Many times the two of them would fall asleep on the couch together. 

Then their family grew by one more. One of his younger clients had been talking about a dog his family had been fostering. She was ready to go home, but it was hard finding someone interested in her because she was damaged. One look at a picture of the dog, and Hanai was sold. The next day he was bringing home Kiko, a three legged dog. She was so lovable that Hanai couldn't even imagine her being homeless, and Shiro took to her immediately. 

He loved his little family. When Hanai came home every evening, Shiro and Kiko were there to greet him. They went on family trips together. He learned that even with her missing limb, Kiko could keep up with him and Shiro just fine. Hanai couldn’t imagine his life any other way.

“I’m happy,” he said as he sat on the couch with Kiko lying across his lap. He watched as Shiro licked Sakaeguchi’s face excitedly. Somehow the dog had managed to push his friend to the floor for easier access to his face. Maybe Hanai should have mentioned that Shiro enjoyed kisses.

“I’m glad,” Suyama responded for his boyfriend, who was laughing and struggling to keep his face from Shiro. “You look good.”

“I feel good.” Hanai smiled brightly.

Everything was where it should be. There were no questions or concerns. There were no ‘what if’s that plagued his thoughts. His dreams were peaceful. The pain that accompanied the loss of someone he loved for years no longer clung to him. He could breathe easily now and smile unrestrained. Hanai could finally say he was in a good place, and he didn’t think anything could knock him down.

“Sir?”

Hanai looked up from his work. He’d been looking over the progress notes for a few of the clients. Some of the physical therapists weren’t sure what they should move on to next, and had asked him for his opinion. He didn’t mind it at all. He was glad that the younger ones were comfortable enough to come to him, but he did wish they would come up with their own ideas to present to him. He didn’t want to do the work for them. He wanted them to grow - not become complacent.

“Something wrong?” He asked, noting the unusual concern in the secretary’s eyes. 

“Can I come in?” She asked, and Hanai nodded while putting the notes he was reading back in their respective folders. Closing the door behind her, she took a seat by his desk. “There’s someone here that wants to see you.”

“A new client?” Hanai asked, frowning. He opened his schedule wondering if maybe he had overlooked something, but nothing was written in. “Did they just make an appointment?” He asked. Sometimes the older clients would just walk in with the notes from their doctors without actually scheduling something. He tried not to get annoyed by it, but it just meant a bit more paperwork on his part.

“Not… exactly…” She fidgeted in her seat, which caused him to frown even more. “I… I know how you feel about consulting…”

Hanai groaned and leaned back against his chair. “No,” he said sternly, causing the secretary to still. “I am not a surgeon. I don’t do surgeries. If someone has a question about an injury, they need to go to a doctor. I’m a physical therapist. I take care of people after they’ve gone to the doctor or had their surgery. I don’t prescribe the physical therapy myself.”

He didn’t mean to lecture her. She was the best receptionist Hanai could have asked for. She was kind to all the patients, regardless of age or economic status. She was exactly what Hanai needed at his practice, but sometimes she was just too kind and couldn’t turn someone away. It always ended with Hanai having to be the bearer of bad news, which was probably for the best. Those that came in probably wouldn’t listen to anyone besides him anyway, but it still left him feeling annoyed.

“I… I know…” She mumbled and looked down at her hands.

Sighing, Hanai stood from his desk. “Are they still here?”

She nodded and stood as well. “I left him in room 106,” she said while giving a relieved yet apologetic look as she followed him out of his office.

“Did he say anything about why he was here?” Hanai asked, noticing that she didn’t even have a folder.

“No, sir.” She mumbled. Hanai noticed how she seemed to blush a little.

“Name?” Hanai asked, but she simply shook her head. _Great_ , he thought. “About how old do you think he is?” He finally asked. He wanted to have some sort of idea as to what he was getting himself into.

The secretary frowned in thought. “Perhaps, your age?”

Hanai nodded. “I’ll speak with him. Thanks for letting me know.” He offered her a small smile as she moved to sit behind her desk. She gave him another apologetic look in response. 

Before going back to Room 106, Hanai peeked his head in the physical therapy room to check on the other therapists, but they all seemed to be doing well on their own. He was glad he was able to put together such a good group of people, who did well with all types of clients. He never had any complaints, and they all worked hard to do their best. He couldn’t have asked for a better staff.

Walking down the hall, Hanai found himself in front of the room the secretary had mentioned. Taking a breath, Hanai prepared himself to be both stern yet caring. He would listen to the man, give him some doctor recommendations, and then wait to see if he’d return. Simple as that, or so he hoped.

Hanai knocked on the door, but didn’t receive a response. Slowly opening the door, Hanai hesitated before stepping in. “Excuse me,” he said politely to announce his presence. “My name is Hanai,” he noticed the man sitting on the examination table with his face in his phone. The door clicked shut behind him. “I’m the head physical therapist here. My receptionist said you needed a consult.”

“I did,” the man said, but didn’t look up at Hanai. There was something about his voice that made Hanai pause, but he shook off the feeling.

“I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t do consults here,” Hanai said with a frown. “Occasionally, we have doctors make trips to see some of the patients’ progress, but unless you have a prescription for physical therapy filled out, I can’t provide you with any services.” He walked over to the counter in the room, and grabbed a pad of paper and pen when the man didn’t respond. “I can write down some names of doctors I’ve worked with in the past if you can give me an idea of what troubles you’ve been having.”

“And there’s no chance you’ll make an exception?” The man finally spoke up.

“I’m sorry, but-” Hanai turned and the words died on his tongue. He stilled, and his breaths were short and shallow. The two stared at each other. Neither seemed ready to move or speak to break the spell that had fallen over each other. A sense of familiarity began to wash over Hanai, but he refused to think about it. He had his place, and he would be damned if he let that fall to pieces now. 

Forcing his eyes down at the pad of paper, Hanai took a breath in an attempt to calm the nerves that were spreading like wildfire through his body. “Tajima…” he whispered the other’s name, sounding tired like the weight of the world had suddenly been thrown upon his shoulders. “What are you doing here?”

He looked back at the other to find that all too familiar stare boring into him. He could see Tajima trying to peel away the layers of him, and Hanai felt like a teenager all over again. His stomach twisted in knots, and high school memories whispered in his ear, _“Tajima always knew you best.”_ It left sour taste in his mouth. Perhaps he hadn't moved on as well as he thought, but another part of him reminded him that this was Tajima and no matter how many years passed, he'd still be a part of him. 

“I came for a consult.” His face remained serious as he stared at Hanai, who took the moment to look over his features. Time had been kind to Tajima. He lost his childish features and really slimmed out in his face, but his features were still soft - a contrast to the sharply defined muscles in the other’s arms that were visible to him. 

“I don't do consults like this,” Hanai explained and he saw the disappointment flutter across Tajima’s face before he steadied it again. “I…” Hanai tapped his pen on his paper. He really didn't want to continue this conversation, but he had to be professional regardless of his feelings. “I didn't know you were injured.” Somewhere along the line, Hanai had stopped keeping track of Tajima’s career. Hell, he didn't even know if the other was still with the Giants. 

“Shoulder,” Tajima pointed to his left shoulder. “We've been keeping it quiet for the most part. The team made a statement saying I needed to take time off for family reasons.”

Hanai nodded and began scribbling some names down. All of them were good doctors. “Have you seen any doctor yet?”

“Just the team’s athletic trainer.”

“What did they say?” Hanai asked. 

“It's a possible rotator cuff tear, but at the time it was too hard to tell with all the swelling.”

Upon hearing this, Hanai stopped taking notes. He looked over at Tajima, and searched his eyes. He expected to see something like disappointment at the injury but Tajima seemed indifferent. It wasn't like him to hide his feelings away. “I'm sorry,” Hanai found himself saying. “That must have been difficult to hear.”

Tajima shrugged. “It was a collision at second base. There was a bad throw…” There was a second where the disappointment showed up. “There really wasn't much I could do and it's not like I could blame the other player. We were in the World Series after all, and emotions ran high.”

Stilling, Hanai listened to the words. He felt almost guilty. He hadn’t followed Tajima’s team in years, and he had no idea Tajima had even been to such a grand stage. “Yeah, that’s understandable,” Hanai mumbled.

“Yeah.” Tajima offered him a small smile.

Hanai hated this. He hated the turmoil that he felt raging in his head and chest. He hated how Tajima could just waltz back in and mess with everything that he’d built up. He hated how they seemed to regress to the point of just mere acquaintances. He hated the awkwardness. Yet most of all… he hated the way Tajima didn’t seem to care about his own injury.

Turning away from the other’s stare, Hanai crossed out the names he had written thus far. He wrote down what Tajima had said about his injury, and then he wrote one name down. He ripped the paper off the pad and walked to Tajima. “Here,” he held out the paper, “you’ll want to see this doctor. He’s the best orthopedic surgeon I’ve met, and a good friend of mine.” Tajima took the paper and stared at the name. “Feel free to look him up. If you want, I can make the call for you to set up an appointment.”

“Yeah,” Tajima said, still staring at the paper. 

“Yeah… what?” Hanai asked a little confused.

Tajima slapped the paper against the palm of his hand. He looked at Hanai with another small smile. “I trust your judgment,” he said. Hanai felt his heart skip at those words. They hadn’t spoken in years, and yet Tajima still trusted him enough to put him in the hands of a good surgeon. “If you could reach out to this doctor for me, I would really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Hanai said, smiling through the whirlwind of emotions. “I’ll give him a call this afternoon when he has office hours.” Hanai moved to the door, and Tajima stood from his seat. “And if you decide to, you’re more than welcome to come back here for your rehab.” He saw Tajima give a nod when he opened the door. “I’ll walk you out.”

He could feel Tajima’s eyes on his back. It made his skin crawl. He wasn’t used to that feeling anymore, and a part of him wanted to wind back time to when he used to love that gaze. Maybe in time he could get used to it again. _Stop it_ , he told himself, _that ship has already sailed_. There was no way to go back to before.

Once in the waiting area, Hanai turned to Tajima. Gazes locked and Hanai felt lightheaded at the intensity behind the other’s eyes. “Uh…” Hanai cleared his throat, attempting to think of what to say next. “I’ll need your contact information for when I talk to my friend. He’ll probably want to set up the appointment with you.”

A flash of sadness appeared in Tajima’s eyes before he hid it, but it was long enough that Hanai could still see it even after all this time. “You know how to reach me.”

Those words wrapped around his heart and squeezed. “Yeah,” Hanai whispered, licking his lips. “Same I guess… If you need to reach me that is.”

Tajima nodded and walked to the door, pausing to look back. “Hanai?” Hanai waited for him to speak. “Thanks.”

“Of course,” Hanai smiled. It’s not like he ever had a choice when Tajima was concerned anyway. He watched as Tajima walked through the doors - not moving until the other was out of sight. Hanai turned to find his secretary looking at him with an odd gleam in her eye. “What?” He asked, frowning.

“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head with a smile.

He eyed her for a second but let it go. “Can you call Dr. Tanaka for me?” He asked and she nodded. “Let him know I have someone that’s interested in being his client and to give me a call.”

“Of course,” she said, smiling.

“Oh,” he paused before going to his office. “If anyone needs me, let them know I have a conference call I need to make. If any of the therapists need me, tell them I’ll go see them when I’m done.” He breathed a sigh of relief when she nodded.

Retreating to his office, Hanai closed himself in. He collapsed into his chair and stared at the ceiling. He didn’t have a conference call or meeting, but he couldn’t handle being around others at the moment. He needed to breathe, but a part of him just wanted to scream. What was his life that the universe just loved throwing these kinds of things at him.

Before he knew it, Hanai had his phone in his hand and he was dialing a number he had long ago memorized. “Hello?” Sakaeguchi’s voice rang clear across the line. “Hanai? You alright? You never call at this time of day. Aren’t you at work?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Hanai said quickly to stop Sakaeguchi from lecturing him about how he was being unprofessional since he always got angry at his therapists for being on their phones at work. “This is a bit of an emergency?”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

Hanai could hear the amusement in the other’s voice, but refused to let it bother him. “I’m… not really sure…” He mumbled, trying to make sense of everything. “Everything is feeling a bit surreal at the moment.”

Sakaeguchi’s laugh echoed in his ear. “Hanai, what on earth is going on?”

“Tajima just left.”

Silence filled the space between them. Hanai could imagine the gears turning in Sakaeguchi’s head as time passed. Hanai couldn’t blame him, he was still trying to figure it all out himself. “I’m sorry,” Sakaeguchi finally said. “What was that?” 

Any other moment, Hanai would have laughed at how confused the other was, but he was in the same boat. “Tajima,” he said the name with a pause. “He was just here. I spoke to him.” For some reason he felt the need to add on to his statement.

“ _Fuck!_ ” Well that wasn’t the response or reaction he was expecting. “Hanai, I want you to know that I never thought he would show up at your work! He- He called out of the blue and we were talking and he asked how everyone has been…” The other continued to ramble on, but the words weren’t registering with Hanai.

Now he was the one at a loss for words. “Wait,” he mumbled, cutting off whatever Sakaeguchi had been saying, “What?” Anger began to trickle into his thoughts. “You spoke to him? You knew he was in Japan and you didn’t even think to tell me? To warn me?” His voice rose slightly with each sentence and he found himself gripping the phone until his fingers ached.

“I swear to god, Hanai,” Sakaeguchi’s voice wavered just a bit, “I had no idea he was in Japan! I thought he was still in America! I thought it was just a spur of the moment thing for him that he called and asked about everyone.”

“Why did you tell him where I was?” Hanai groaned, letting his head fall to his desk. The anger dissipated, and he felt exhausted all over again. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Tajima again, but he had wanted it to be on his own terms. He had wanted to be prepared for it. Now he felt his world crumbling slowly all over again.

“I didn’t,” Sakaeguchi said. “I swear I didn’t, Hanai.” Hanai believed him, and he didn’t blame Sakaeguchi for talking about him to Tajima. He was probably just happy to be talking to his friend after all this time. “The only thing I mentioned was that you managed to start your own physical therapy practice. I thought nothing of it. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Hanai said quickly. His head still pressed against the desk, but the coolness of the wood was too relaxing for him to sit back up. He let out a small huff as he tried to calm himself. “I just wasn’t expecting it.” He hated how emotional his own voice felt.

Sakaeguchi was silent for a moment. “You alright?” He asked, knowing how hard Hanai had worked to get to this point.

“Peachy,” he grumbled in return.

“Hey,” Sakaeguchi paused, but continued before Hanai could say anything, “I’m off work tonight. It’s been awhile since we last hung out, and Shouji’s on the late shift today. You feel like drinks?”

Hanai laughed, finally lifting his head from his desk. He grimaced as his eyes found the smudges left by his skin and breath. “I feel like shots.”

He grinned when Sakaeguchi’s laugh burst from the other end of the phone. “Alright! Make sure you have the spare bedroom ready for when I get there! I don’t feel like sleeping on the couch this time.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Hanai said, still smiling from ear to ear. “I’ll see you later tonight.”

The rest of his day consisted of flipping through client folders and talking to the other therapists about how everything was going. He got a call from Dr. Tanaka, and he gave the other Tajima’s name and phone number along with what Tajima told him about the injury. Dr. Tanaka promised to set up an appointment with Tajima within the next few days since he was a friend of Hanai’s. It put Hanai at ease to know the other was willing to see Tajima so soon.

He was excited to get home, so he tasked closing up to his most senior therapist. Shiro and Kiko greeted him excitedly - Kiko jumping awkwardly on her three legs and Shiro running circles around him. “Hi, hi,” he laughed at their gleeful actions, “I’m home.” He walked to the back door and let them out. When they were back inside, Hanai moved to preparing the spare bedroom though Kiko and Shiro made it unbelievably difficult.

Thankfully, Hanai was able to get everything set up by the time the doorbell rang. Opening the door, Hanai found Sakaeguchi grinning with two bags in his hands. “I brought stuff for drinks and stuff for shots!”

Hanai laughed as he let the other in. Shiro instantly started jumping on Sakaeguchi’s leg. The dog had grown extremely fond of his friend. “Shiro, down,” he reprimanded and the dog took to walking circles around Sakaeguchi instead.

Laughing, Sakaeguchi dropped the bags off in the kitchen and squatted down to let Shiro bombard him with licks. “I missed you, too.” He cooed and scratched the black dog’s head. Standing, Sakaeguchi wiped his face with his hand. “But I did not miss that…”

“Sorry,” Hanai grinned and suppressed a laugh at the look on Sakaeguchi’s face. “You know he loves giving kisses. You should have known to keep your face away from him.” Hanai scratched Kiko’s head affectionately.

“Yeah, I guess I asked for that one.” 

The two decided on take out, figuring they’d much rather drink in Hanai’s home. It would be much easier than trying to find a ride back home in the middle of the night, considering it was a weeknight. They didn’t want to bother any of Hanai’s friends in the area. So while they waited for the food to arrive, Sakaeguchi and Hanai took a couple shots, and Hanai held down the shiver at the feeling of the alcohol going down each time. He was never really one for shots, but he figured that was the quickest way to get the alcohol into his system and he really needed to at least feel a buzz in his system. 

When the food arrived, they ate quietly and drank the beer Sakaeguchi brought. Hanai snapped at Sakaeguchi when he noticed the other feeding table food to his dogs. “This is why they beg all the time!” He groaned. “Do I have to ban you from this house?” They had both laughed at that because really… both knew Hanai would never be able to keep that promise.

“So…” Sakaeguchi began as they lounged on the couch. The leftovers from their meals already tucked away in the fridge away from the dogs. Hanai sipped on his beer with Kiko spread across on his lap. Sakaeguchi leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling with Shiro pressed against his leg trying to get his attention. “Tajima…”

Hanai nodded. “Tajima.” They were finally on this subject, and Hanai was glad Sakaeguchi waited until they both had a few drinks to bring it up. The buzz in his system was really what he needed to let his thoughts out after all this time. He hoped it would make it a little easier.

Sakaeguchi turned his head to look in Hanai’s direction. “How did it go?”

Petting Kiko’s head, Hanai wondered exactly how to word it. “I don’t know,” he said. “Weird, awkward… you name it. It was like we reverted back to that time after high school.”

Sakaeguchi hummed as he brought his drink to his lips. “Well it’s been what… 4 years since you last spoke to him?”

“Five,” Hanai said without hesitation. “Almost six actually.” He felt Sakaeguchi’s eyes on him, and turned to meet his friend’s gaze. “What?” He asked, a frown pulling at his lips.

With a shake of his head, Sakaeguchi looked away. “Nothing,” he said. Hanai knew Sakaeguchi had something to say. They knew each other well enough at this point, but he let the subject slide. “So Tajima’s injured?”

“Yeah,” Hanai nodded. “Did you know he was in the World Series?” A look that could only be described as guilt crossed Sakaeguchi’s face. “Yeah, me neither.” Hanai felt a little glad that he wasn’t the only that hadn’t been keeping up with their friend.

“We’re pretty shitty friends, aren’t we?” Sakaeguchi made a face, and Hanai couldn’t help but laugh at the sour looking face on his friend.

“I mean,” he took a sip of his beer, “it’s hard to keep track of everyone even when you’re in the same country. I don’t think it’s too surprising since we all have our own lives that we have to take care of.” He blamed the strain in his voice on the alcohol.

“Hanai,” Sakaeguchi’s voice sounded unusually soft.

“What?” He asked, immediately feeling his defenses going up.

“You know it’s not your fault that you both went your separate ways, right?” Sakaeguchi’s words were careful like he wasn’t sure how Hanai would react to them. “There are two people in a relationship. It can’t be on one person to keep it going.”

He knew that sure, but he still felt a little guilty. “I know that.” Sakaeguchi gave him a stern look. “I’m being serious!” He threw his arms up, but the alcohol kept him talking. “I mean… I feel a little guilty knowing I could have done a better job…” He dodged a pillow thrown at his head and Kiko scrambled off his lap and to the floor where it was safer. “What was that for?” Hanai frowned. “You scared Kiko.”

Sakaeguchi apologized to Kiko, who was now hiding behind Hanai’s legs. “You,” he pointed an accusatory finger at Hanai, “I thought we had already gotten over this!” Hanai felt like a child being reprimanded by his mother, and sunk as far into the couch as he could. “Oh god,” Sakaeguchi covered his face with one of his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me you still felt that way?”

“I didn’t know…” Hanai mumbled. He didn’t until Tajima came waltzing right back in with no warning. “It’s not like I still have feelings for him-”

“Hanai,” Sakaeguchi raised a hand, “I’m going to stop you right there. Can you seriously look me in the eye and say you still don’t have feelings for him?”

“Yes,” Hanai said, staring directly at his friend. “At least not feelings in that sense.” Sakaeguchi rolled his eyes and motioned for him to keep talking. “I know we both messed up, but what I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned from my mistakes.”

Humming, Sakaeguchi stood and walked into the kitchen without a word. Hanai could hear the sound of another bottle opening. When Sakaeguchi sat back down, Shiro climbed up on his lap. “So,” he began again, “did you guys talk about anything specific?”

“Just his injury,” Hanai said. He patted his lap and Kiko jumped back up and made herself comfortable. “I told him after everything was done he could come back to the practice for his physical therapy.”

“I’m surprised,” Sakaeguchi mumbled, playing with Shiro’s mouth. The dog pretending to chew on his fingers. “I thought you wouldn’t want him around too much. It obviously affected you enough that you had to call me after he left.”

“I think I was more shocked than anything,” Hanai explained. He downed the rest of his beer, but decided not to disturb Kiko again to get another. “Six years of nothing and then he’s in my practice asking for a consult on an injury. I think anyone would be shocked.”

“Wonder why he came back to Japan instead of staying in America,” Sakaeguchi mused. “They have just as good doctors over there, and a plethora of physical therapists that specialize in athletic injuries. Not saying you aren’t good-”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Hanai said quickly, letting the other know he wasn’t offended.

“When he called me,” Sakaeguchi continued, “he didn’t mention coming back.”

Shrugging, Hanai let silence fall between them. He looked to his friend, who was scratching Shiro’s ears affectionately. “I’m not sure what to do,” he finally admitted. Sakaeguchi gave him a confused look. “Do you think I should reach out to him while he’s here? Catch up with him?”

Sakaeguchi’s eyebrows pulled together and a look of concentration formed on his face. “Do you want to?” He finally asked.

Looking at the empty bottle in his hands, Hanai shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should figure that part out first,” he said, and Hanai agreed.

The two continued the night by talking about various topics. Sakaeguchi complained about how he wanted to adopt a cat, but Suyama didn’t want one. It had apparently turned into an actual fight with Sakaeguchi forcing Suyama to sleep on the couch for one night after the latter said something demeaning about cats, and Sakaeguchi wasn’t about to have that. “I told him,” Sakaeguchi said with a slight slur of his voice - an indication that the alcohol was finally getting to him, “in this house, we don’t discriminate. Every pet deserves equal love and affection regardless of their reputation.” It was quite comical if you asked Hanai, especially when Sakaeguchi turned to Shiro and asked, “right Shiro?” He moved the dog’s head up and down. “Right,” he said as a way of answer.

Hanai complained about how his therapists kept pestering him about how to proceed with patients. “They know just as much as I do! But every morning there’s another folder on my desk with questions scribbled on a post-it,” he grumbled. Hanai just wanted them to think for themselves. Then he complained about his receptionist because as much as he loved having her around and she did everything perfectly… “She’s just so nosy sometimes,” he sighed in defeat. “You should have seen her eyes when Tajima left. I think I could see the gears turning in her head.”

“Well, if it was as awkward as you said it was…” Sakaeguchi began, “I’d probably think the same thing.”

They laughed and talked the night away until there were empty bottles littering the kitchen counter, and the world spinned. The buzz that ran through Hanai’s body made him feel relaxed and giddy at the same time. The thought that he needed to let loose more often briefly crossed his mind only to be stamped down when his alarm went off the next morning.

Groaning, Hanai slapped at his phone desperately. It took him six tries before he was finally able to make the blaring sound cease. His head pounded as he sat up and cringed at the sunlight coming in through the blinds. “Oh god…” He shuddered at the taste of stale alcohol on his tongue, and begrudgingly moved his body to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

He moved slowly, but with purpose. His dogs barked at him impatiently as he moved to let them out into the backyard. “Sh…” He warned. “You’ll wake Sakaeguchi.” Once the dogs were outside, Hanai let himself fall into one of the kitchen chairs. Pressing his forehead to the table, he sighed in relief as the coolness eased his headache.

“You’ll fall asleep like that,” Sakaeguchi’s groggy voice called out when Hanai closed his eyes.

Sitting back up, Hanai watched as Sakaeguchi sat up on the couch looking worse for wear. “After all that work I did on the spare bedroom and you didn’t even make it there.” Hanai teased with a smile.

“Shut up,” Sakaeguchi grumbled. Standing, he tried to straighten out his wrinkled clothes, but quickly gave up his fight. “What time do you have to be at work?”

“Nine,” Hanai said, but could see the wheels turning in Sakaeguchi’s head. “I could be late though. My therapists won’t mind.”

“Let’s get coffee and breakfast before I leave.”

“Yeah, sure,” Hanai grinned, despite the pounding in his head.

Once Sakaeguchi was dressed and looking a little more functional for the day, they headed out to the local diner. They ate and greedily drank as much coffee as possible. Sakaeguchi passed him a bottle of ibuprofen, which he took gratefully. Stuffed and feeling a little better than when they woke up, they decided it was time to leave. Sakaeguchi wanted to get on the road sooner rather than later to beat traffic, so he could take a shower before work later that day. They said their goodbyes, and Hanai made his way to work.

“Good morning, sir!” His receptionist greeted him happily.

Hanai offered a quick nod. Her bright and chipper voice did nothing for his headache. He could see her eyeing his form with - dare he say it - amusement. He could only imagine what thoughts or theories were running through her head. Before she could say anything, he quickly shut himself away in his office. As he expected, files with questions were stacked on his desk. He sat down and began drowning himself in his work.

At lunch, he went out to see his therapists. He talked to each one regarding the files, asking what they thought the next steps were - whether to continue the exercises they were already doing or move on to more advanced ones. He didn’t want to just tell them what to do. He wanted to build a practice where everyone learned from each other. Once they had come to agreements, Hanai made his way back to his office. 

“Oh!” His receptionist smiled brightly at him. “Perfect timing! I just transferred a call to your office!”

“Did you catch who it was?” Hanai asked with a frown.

“Nope!” She said all too cheerily.

_Because that’s not suspicious…_ He thought, sitting back behind his desk. He flipped open some folders as he lifted the phone off the receiver. “Hello, this is Hanai,” he began. 

“Hey, Hanai.” It was Tajima. Of course it was. Why wouldn’t it be?

“H-Hey,” he felt his body stiffen, “is everything okay? Did Dr. Tanaka get in touch?”

“Oh, yeah,” Tajima mumbled. “He’s a great guy. Talked very highly of your practice.” Hanai laughed at that. He wasn’t surprised. Most of his friend’s patients came to Hanai for their rehab. “He already has me scheduled for surgery the day after tomorrow.”

“So soon?” Hanai asked. A frown pulled at his lips. Usually Tanaka waited at least a week to get everything settled.

“Well, it wouldn’t be, but since I’ve had the injury for so long, he wanted to get me in as soon as possible,” Tajima explained. “He’s worried my body might have started healing poorly.”

Hanai could hear some reluctance in Tajima’s voice. “You’re in good hands.”

“I know,” his voice sounded lighter, “you were the one that recommended him after all.”

“Nothing but the best for you,” Hanai laughed - not thinking much of his words - but the silence on the other end stopped him. “Er… you know… friends and all.”

“Yeah,” Tajima let out a strained laugh, “right. Of course.”

Hanai wanted nothing else than to slam his head against his desk repeatedly. This was not how he wanted this conversation to go. “Hey, Tajima-”

“Listen,” Tajima cut him off quickly, “there’s some things that I need to get done today, so maybe I’ll talk to you later or something. See you, Hanai.”

“Yeah, bye,” Hanai got out before he heard the click of the phone. Hanging up the phone, he let out a long, drawn out sigh. “Fuck.” He let his head fall onto the desk. That conversation had been even more awkward than their face to face meeting the day before. He didn’t even think that was possible. Tajima was being unusually closed off with his emotions and thoughts, but Hanai hadn’t done much better. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”

His headache - whether from his hangover or the stress of having Tajima around again - came back with a vengeance. Taking two more ibuprofen, Hanai tried to get back to work, but found the numbers and letters made no sense. He needed a mental health day, so he packed up and left - much to the confusion of his therapists.


	7. I shouldn't give in, but I let you win. I let you in.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Your memory feels like home to me. So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds it's way back to you." - Ranata Suzuki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking this story will be about 10 chapters, but it's hard to say at this point. Also I did go over this but only once since it was so long so I'm sorry for any errors...  
> Again thank you to everyone who reads, comments, kudos... you are all fabulous and amazing people and your words make my day.
> 
> Title from the song 'Let Them In' by PVRIS

Hanai one hundred percent needed to just relax for the night before work the next day. He took a long nap on the couch, buried beneath his two dogs. Waking up headache free put a smile on his face. He caught up on some shows that he had recorded the previous week but never got around to watching. He ate the leftovers from the night before, not even caring to heat it up. He reached for one of the beers, but decided maybe water was in his best interest instead.

It was exactly the kind of night he needed, and he didn’t think about anything related to a specific person. Lying on the couch with his two dogs, Hanai sighed. “It’s been awhile since we went on a trip, huh?” He asked them, scratching their heads. Maybe it was time for them to go hiking again. It would definitely help clear his mind. “Maybe this weekend…” It would be a nice change of scenery in any sense.

The next day started out like any other. He woke up and let the dogs out. When they came back in, he gave them food and they all ate breakfast together. He was ahead of schedule, and decided it best to go to work a little earlier to catch up on anything he may have missed from leaving early. However, Hanai regretted his choice to show up early as his receptionist gave him a rather curious look. Quickly greeting her good morning, he practically ran into his office to avoid her analyzing gaze, reminding himself that she was a great person and an even better worker and that he shouldn’t fire her for her curiosity.

It didn’t take him long to get caught up on everything, and looking at his schedule, Hanai realized that he really wasn’t as busy as he had initially thought. He probably could have came to work at the usual time and still catch up with time to spare. So he began searching places he could go on the weekend with Shiro and Kiko. He was thinking maybe they could go to one of their usual places, but the arrival of Tajima was urging him to explore. He needed to be in control of the change that was occurring, and what better way than to find something new?

_Speaking of…_ Hanai’s eyes looked at the date in the corner of his screen. Tajima’s surgery was the next day. He could feel his phone in his pocket. Its weight heavier than usual, making its presence known when usually Hanai would have forgotten its location the moment it was out of sight. The weight was dragging him down, telling him to do _something_ with it.

He knew what his mind was telling him to do. _It’s just a phone call._ But the problem with that thought was a phone call was bound to end in an awkward disaster, and Hanai wanted nothing more than to finish the day headache free. Besides, the day was just starting and he could deal with all of that at a later time. He had meetings with new clients to think about. He had to talk with the other therapists to see how they were doing and if they had any questions for him.

There was plenty of stuff to keep him busy, and if he had to, he’d find something to keep him busy. Maybe he’d even spend time out in the waiting room with his receptionist. Maybe if he spent time talking with her, she’d stop eyeing him as if there was some juicy story for her to uncover. _No, no_ , he stopped that thought right away, _just think of all the questions she’s bound to throw your way. Save yourself from that embarrassment._

So what was supposed to be a laid back day became one packed with more work than he probably even needed. Hanai thought keeping his body and mind busy would distract him, but halfway through the day, he had had enough. He was hyper aware of the phone. With every move he made, he could feel the damned object demanding his attention. He refused to give in to temptation to make the call, and hid it away in one of the desk drawers that he rarely used.

_Out of sight, out of mind_ , or so he thought. Even through his meetings and client intakes in the afternoon, he was just a bit distracted. His mind was urging him to call, but he really couldn’t understand why he felt he _needed_ to call. He still wasn’t even sure if he wanted to meet up with Tajima. Was this his mind’s way of telling him that, yes, he indeed wanted to catch up with the other after all this time? If so, it was annoying and interfering with his work.

The end of the day didn’t come nearly as quickly as Hanai wished. Sitting in his chair, he sighed. He felt exhausted for a day that had meant to be easy. Turning his head, he glared at the drawer holding his phone. He didn’t even want to bring the thing home with him at this point for all the hell it had put him through on the day, but he knew if he did, he would probably be back that evening just to retrieve it.

Yanking the drawing open, he grabbed the phone and stuffed it into his pocket. He shutdown his computer and closed up the office that seemed quieter than usual without the bustle of people that came and went. He was grumpy the drive home, and even the initial excitement from Shiro and Kiko didn’t pull him out of that agitated state. It wasn’t until he had deposited his phone on the kitchen table did he feel a little better. After eating and showering, and being buried beneath his dogs like the night before, Hanai finally felt at ease with their combined weight keeping him grounded and sane.

Yet, it did nothing from keeping his mind wandering in the direction he didn’t want it to. With a clearer mind, Hanai wanted to know _why_ he felt like he had to call Tajima to the point of driving him crazy. Did he want to see the other that badly? He didn’t think so. Yes, he wanted to catch up - that much he had decided - but he wasn’t desperate.

“Tomorrow…” He mumbled, frown pulling his lips down. Tomorrow was Tajima’s surgery. Nothing about that should worry him because Tajima really was in great hands, yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. Gently maneuvering Kiko and Shiro off of him, Hanai made his way to the table and grabbed his phone.

He shifted the phone between his hands as he made his way back to couch. Once he was lying down, the dogs were on him in no time, getting back to their comfortable positions. “You guys are a lot heavier than you look,” he mumbled, but they didn’t care.

There was something about his conversation with Tajima yesterday that just bothered Hanai. Something was… off. He remembered there being hesitation in the other’s voice. Maybe that’s why he felt the need to contact him, and make sure he was really okay. But did he really want to subject himself to torturous awkward conversation? “Oh, fuck it,” Hanai grumbled and pressed the contact name before his doubts could prevent him from doing so.

It only took one ring before Tajima’s confused voice came through the phone. “Hanai?”

“Uh…” Hanai hadn’t planned for him to answer so quickly. He hadn’t had the time to actually come up with what to say, and just the sound of his voice had Hanai tensing. “Hey, Tajima,” he said, and cringed at how his own voice sounded uncertain.

Silence. More awkward silence, but Hanai knew that was bound to happen. He’d set himself up for this, honestly… “Did you need something?” Tajima finally asked.

“No, not really… um…” Hanai really was an idiot when it came to things like this, especially regarding Tajima. “I just wanted to see how things were going.” _Idiot_ , he chastised himself, _you spoke to him yesterday._ “You know… with the surgery coming up and everything…”

“Oh.” There it was - the hesitation he remembered from yesterday - and it didn’t sit well with Hanai. “It’s fine.”

Hanai waited a bit, but it was obvious that Tajima wasn’t going to elaborate on anything about tomorrow. “Are your parents going to be there with you?” He asked, trying to get the other to talk.

“No, they’re both working.”

Again he waited, but again Tajima remained silent. “Siblings?”

“No.”

“Any friends?” Hanai asked, pulling at straws at this point. A sigh from the other side of the phone was his only response, and it quite honestly pissed him off. “Tajima, you shouldn’t go by yourself,” he said, and didn’t even attempt to hide his disappointment though it came off as more annoyed than anything else. “You need someone to take you to and from the hospital. The surgery isn’t going to require you to stay in the hospital.”

“It’s fine,” Tajima mumbled, but Hanai could still hear the hesitance in Tajima’s voice. “I’ll figure something out.”

“And you shouldn’t be alone with all the pain medication that will be in your system either,” he said, worry replacing his annoyance.

“Hanai,” Tajima’s stern voice stopped him from continuing. “I’ll figure something out!” Tajima snapped. Both were frustrated with the conversation, but Hanai wasn’t about to give up. The surgery was tomorrow, and it was already late. Someone had to be there for Tajima.

Sighing, Hanai stared at Kiko and Shiro, both watching him curiously. “Where are you staying?” He was annoyed at having to ask, but he’d be damned if he let Tajima be alone after surgery.

“Hanai-”

“Tajima,” he warned, “don’t start. This isn’t just some simple doctor visit; it’s a serious surgery! You need to be monitored afterward, and I’m not going to let you do something this stupid.” Tajima grumbled under his breath. “What now?” He asked - completely exasperated at this point.

“I said you shouldn’t worry.”

Hanai wanted to yell in frustration, and he thought it a miracle that he held it together. “Well, of course I’m going to worry,” Hanai huffed, trying to calm himself and keep a clear head. “I can’t not worry about you.” Tajima fell silent again, and Hanai cursed himself for speaking without thinking. But truly, after all they’ve been through together, how could Hanai not worry about him? At least he hadn’t voiced _that_ thought. The conversation was awkward enough as is. “Listen, just let me help out, okay? I’ll feel guilty if you do something stupid when I could have prevented it. Besides, you’ll want someone there that can listen to the doctor’s instructions afterwards.”

Hanai could imagine Tajima mulling it over. “Alright,” he said, finally giving in, “fine.” Tajima gave Hanai the address to the hotel he was staying at. It bothered Hanai to know Tajima wasn’t staying with friends or family, and he wondered if Tajima had neglected to tell them he was even back in the country.

The next day, Hanai picked Tajima up at the hotel. The car ride there was tense. Hanai focused most of his attention on the road. Tajima couldn’t stop his incessant leg shaking. Any conversation they had between them was stilted and short. The nerves ate away at him, and he wasn’t even the one about to undergo surgery. Not that Tajima really had anything to worry about. Dr. Tanaka was one of the best orthopedic surgeons he knew. 

“I guess I should be thanking you.” The words were practically mumbled, and when Hanai glanced at Tajima, he was staring out the window. His fingers tapped his thigh in a consistent beat that nowhere near matched the song playing softly on the radio. Hanai wondered if he was trying to calm his nerves. 

“You don't have to thank me,” Hanai answered him, focusing on the road instead of the tense air inside the car. It was suffocating him. 

Tajima made a noncommittal sound, and made no attempt at continuing the conversation. The atmosphere was so stifling that Hanai couldn't stop the sigh of relief that escaped his lips when he turned into the hospital. 

Hanai parked and they walked into the hospital together. They signed in and were told to wait. Sitting beside each other, the silence enveloped them again. In an attempt to ignore it, Hanai tried focusing on the television in the waiting room, but was having a hard time when Tajima’s leg began bouncing again. 

Without thinking much of it, Hanai placed his hand on the other’s knee. “Everything’s going to be fine,” he said, giving Tajima’s knee a squeeze. Tajima stiffened under his hand, and Hanai realized his mistake. “Sorry,” he mumbled, retracting his hand only to have Tajima grab onto it.

He let Tajima lace their fingers together. “Just… please… just for a few minutes…” 

Hanai swallowed as he looked at Tajima, who focused his gaze on the floor. This wasn’t a good idea, but he had initiated it after all. Giving the hand a squeeze, Hanai looked back at the television. “Yeah, not a problem,” he said, and did his best to ignore the vice grip Tajima had on his hand or the way the other’s hand was cold and clammy. He knew Tajima was nervous, but he hadn’t realized just how much. So Hanai did the only thing he thought he could to calm him. Rubbing his thumb in soothing circles on the back of Tajima’s hand, he was relieved to feel Tajima’s grip lessen.

Before they knew it, Tajima was being brought back. Hanai gave his hand a quick squeeze, letting him know everything would be okay. To his surprise, Tajima asked the nurse, “is it okay for him to come back as well?”

She gave him soft smile. “I’ll bring him back once we have you all set.” She must have seen Hanai’s wide eyes because she turned to him and added, “as long as that’s okay with you?”

“Uh…” Hanai froze when Tajima looked down at him. “Yeah, that’s… that’s fine.” Tajima smiled for the first time that day. It may have been small and barely there, but it was a smile. As Hanai watched him walk away, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was crossing lines that shouldn’t be crossed. _I would do this for Sakaeguchi or Suyama_ , he told himself. He’d do it for any of his friends. Just because this was Tajima and they had been together before didn’t matter.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed. He had been staring mindlessly at the television screen when the nurse returned to bring him back. She led him to a curtained off section. She opened it for him to walk in, and when he stepped in, he started laughing.

“Don’t laugh!” Tajima snapped, but he had his own smile on his face. The nurse tried to hide her smile as she walked away.

All the awkward tension lifted between them as Hanai pulled out his phone to take a picture of Tajima in his gown and hair net on his head. “Oh my god,” Hanai spluttered as he took pictures. “Sakaeguchi and Suyama are going to love this!”

“Don’t you dare…” Tajima warned.

Hanai rolled his eyes as he sat down and typed out a message to Sakaeguchi. “What could you possibly do?” He asked with a smirk.

“If I wasn’t attached to this,” Tajima said, lifting his arm that had the IV attached, “you’d be dead.”

“Please, like you’d actually kill me,” Hanai said with a laugh.

Sighing, Tajima leaned back on his pillow. “You’re right,” he said in defeat. Hanai just laughed as he continued with his message to Sakaeguchi, wondering if he should send it to more people. “Can you believe they actually wrote ‘yes’ on my left shoulder and ‘no’ on the other one?” Tajima asked. 

Hanai laughed again as he looked up from his phone, but stopped when he noticed Tajima pulling his gown down, exposing most of his left chest. He felt weird looking, but he reminded himself that he wasn’t crossing a line here. He’d laugh at this with any other friend, but the problem was that the line was always a little blurred with Tajima. Hanai let his eyes roam Tajima’s skin. Tajima really had changed these last years. He looked back up and noticed Tajima waiting for an answer of some sort. In any case, Hanai really didn’t like the look in the other’s eyes. It was like he was seeing through him again. “It’s just to make sure they don’t accidentally operate on the wrong arm.”

There was a teasing glint in Tajima’s eyes when he said, “are you sure your friend is such a good doctor?”

Hanai chuckled at that. “I promise you, Ryou is the best I know. It’s just standard practice to do that.” An odd look flashed across Tajima’s eyes. “What?”

Shaking his head, Tajima shifted on the bed. “Nothing.” Hanai wasn’t sure whether or not to push for more because he could tell there was something going through Tajima’s head, but he let it go. “How much longer do you think it’ll be before they take me back?”

Hanai shrugged. “Hard to say. It all depends on if the surgeries before you get done on time.” Tajima stayed silent, and Hanai could feel the awkwardness building between them again. “You can’t rush these things.” 

“I know,” Tajima huffed. “I just don’t like waiting.”

Laughing, Hanai shook his head. “Did you _ever_ like waiting?” He asked with a teasing voice hoping to lighten the mood, and it worked. 

Tajima laughed to the point of his head falling back against the pillows. “You know I don’t,” he said once he got his breath and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Too well if you ask me,” Hanai said, and he did it again. With just those words, a tense air settled between them as they looked at each other. Neither said the words, but Hanai could sense it. As much as they pretended, the past between them was still there and until they really talked about it, it would never really go away. “Sorry,” Hanai mumbled.

Thankfully, the nurse returned saying that Tajima would be taken back for surgery and that Hanai had to return to the waiting room. Hanai saw the anxiousness appear in Tajima’s eyes again, so he reached and gave his hand a quick squeeze. “I’ll see you after,” he said and Tajima nodded stiffly.

When he returned to the waiting room, he pulled out his phone. He grinned when he saw a message from Sakaeguchi, but frowned when he looked at the actual reply. _Call me. NOW._ Sighing, Hanai walked out of the waiting room, not wanting to disturb anyone. He began calling as he pushed the hospital doors open and made his way to a bench.

“HANAI!” Sakaeguchi screeched in his ear. “What the actual fuck?! Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

Hanai flinched as he pulled the phone away from his ear. “Since when do you curse so much?”

“Since Tajima’s fucking involved!” Sakaeguchi snapped, confusing Hanai.

“Sakaeguchi… what’s wrong?” He asked, taking a seat on the bench. All he wanted was to have a laugh with his friend. Why was this turning into such a mess?

“ _You_ …” Hanai shivered at the voice. “Just - what - three days ago? You were saying you didn’t even know if you wanted to see him and catch up, and yet you’re there at the hospital with him?”

Hanai frowned at the accusatory tone Sakaeguchi was using. “He didn’t have anyone to take him,” he explained.

“Tajima probably has the largest family in all of Japan!” Sakaeguchi said, but Hanai could only roll his eyes. “He probably has nieces or nephews that could have taken him.”

“You’re blowing this out of proportion,” Hanai said with a sigh. “Listen, he said he was going to come here himself, and - yes - I was the one that insisted on taking him. I would have done the same for any of my friends, including you, and Tajima’s no different.”

He heard Sakaeguchi sigh through the phone and Hanai could just imagine him rubbing his forehead in frustration. “I get that. I really do, but the two of you haven’t even _talked_ yet.” Hanai remembered the tense moments between them and understood where Sakaeguchi was coming from. “I’m just worried about you, okay? You were really upset the other day and I know how far you’ve come. I don’t want you to mess that up for yourself.”

“I know,” Hanai smiled at his friend’s words. “I think I have it under control.”

“Good,” Sakaeguchi sounded somewhat content. “On a side note, can I send that picture to all of our friends?”

Hanai laughed. “It’s good, right?”

“God, Hanai,” Sakaeguchi laughed right with him, “it’s the greatest thing I’ve seen all year. But really… who can I send this to?”

“Whoever you want,” Hanai said, grinning from ear to ear. It felt wrong to let Sakaeguchi do whatever he wanted with the picture, but Hanai had already sent it to him. There wasn’t much he could do at this point. After a moment of silence, Hanai decided it was time to head back in. “Listen,” he said, “I know you’re worried about me, but you really don’t have to be. I’m fine. I’m just helping out a friend who needs it, alright?” Though he purposefully neglected to mention all the awkward moments Hanai caused with his inability to think before he spoke. 

Sakaeguchi sighed, and it was silent for a moment before he spoke again. “Yeah, yeah,” he agreed, but didn’t sound too happy about it. “Let me know how everything goes. If you need help or something, I’ve accumulated vacation days. I can even send Suyama. I know he kept more in touch with Tajima than I did.”

“Thanks,” Hanai stood and walked to the building. “I’ll talk to you later.”

He made his way back to the waiting area and watched the television. His phone vibrated, but he ignored it. If it wasn’t important enough for a call then he didn’t have to check. He thought that but then his phone began buzzing nonstop. Looking down at the screen, he frowned. There were messages from Oki, Mizutani, Suyama, and even Abe. He opened his phone and saw that Sakaeguchi had sent the picture to everyone from Nishiura and even included Tajima in the group. _Dear god, I hope Tajima is so high on the medication that he’ll never notice this._ He tucked the phone back in his pocket, and turned his gaze to the television.

“Excuse me.” Hanai felt a hand on his shoulder, and he jerked awake. Quickly taking in his surroundings, Hanai realized he must have fallen asleep. He looked up at the nurse from earlier, and she smiled at him. “I just want to let you know that the surgery is done, and you’ll be able to go back to see him soon.”

“Oh,” Hanai cleared his throat, “thank you.” She nodded and disappeared back through the door, leaving Hanai alone to wake up. Stretching his arms over his head, he let out a yawn. A quick look at his phone told him that over an hour had passed, and he rolled his eyes at the now 30 messages from his friends demanding more compromising pictures of Tajima.

“Sir?” Hanai looked up and saw the nurse motioning for him. “You can come back now.”

When he got back there, Tajima’s eyes were barely open, and he was having a hard time focusing on anything. His arm was secured in a sling, and the nurses were still monitoring him. “Hey,” Hanai mumbled, walking up to the side of the bed. Tajima turned to him and smiled. “How are you feeling?” He asked, holding back a laugh.

“I can’t feel a thing,” Tajima said, his voice groggy and slurred.

Hanai laughed at that. “Don’t worry. I think that’ll go away eventually.” Tajima hummed.

“It will,” a voice from behind him said.

Looking over, Hanai’s face split into a grin. “Ryou!” He cheered happily and hugged his friend tightly.

“I came to talk to Tajima’s friend that brought him here. Never thought it would actually be you,” Ryou said, grinning as brightly as Hanai. “How have you been, Azusa?” He asked, holding Hanai at arm’s length to get a good look at him.

“Great,” Hanai said with a slight laugh. “Didn’t think I would actually get to see you today.”

Ryou shrugged. “I try to talk to my patient’s family and what not before they leave, but you know most of what I’m about to say.”

“I could probably list off a few things.”

Laughing, Ryou gave Hanai’s shoulder a little shake. “I’ve taught you well, Azusa.”

Hanai scoffed at that, but an increase in the beeping behind him stopped the retort he had prepared. He noticed the frown on Tajima’s face, but what worried him the most was the increase in the other’s blood pressure and pulse. “Hey, hey,” Hanai was next to Tajima in the blink of an eye, “are you alright? Are you hurting or something?”

Tajima stared at him with his clouded eyes. “What?” He asked with a frown.

Hanai ran his fingers through Tajima’s hair, hoping to calm him down. “I asked if you were feeling okay?”

Slowly, Tajima’s eyes began to clear but still seemed a bit drowsy. “Yeah, sorry…” He mumbled.

Shaking his head, Hanai continued running his fingers through his hair. It felt familiar - like coming home - and for a moment he realized that he’d missed this. _Where is the line?_ Seeing as Tajima was calmed down, Hanai quickly removed his hand. “Don’t apologize. You’re the one drugged up at the moment.” He turned back to Ryou. “So…”

“So…” Ryou was looking between Hanai and Tajima with increased interest. Hanai shot him a warning look, and Ryou just shook his head. Hanai knew the other had already connected the dots. They had talked a lot during their graduate studies. Hanai had never mentioned Tajima by name or who he really was to Hanai at the time, but it wasn’t a stretch to think there had been a lot of meaning behind his words, judging from Ryou’s eyes. “Before you go, we’ll set you up for an appointment to get the stitches removed. It’ll be about 12 days or so,” Ryou said to Tajima, but the words were mainly for Hanai to remember, seeing that Tajima was struggling to focus.

“When can he start rehab?” Hanai asked since that was mainly his area of expertise.

Ryou frowned in thought. “First six weeks I would say do passive external rotation, and whenever he’s not doing that, he has to wear the sling.” Then he shrugged. “After that… you know what to do.”

“True.” Hanai grinned at that. A part of him never felt like he deserved Ryou’s praises - especially from someone as talented as him.

“Well then,” Ryou walked over to Tajima’s bed, “I was able to fix everything in your shoulder. Thankfully, when we got in there, nothing had begun to heal poorly like I had originally thought. You’re lucky. I don’t know why you waited so many months to do this. You should have gotten it taken care of right away.”

Tajima looked guilty, and Hanai frowned. “Months?”

Ryou looked at Tajima, but the other didn’t say anything. “It’s been four months since the injury.”

“Four-” Hanai’s mouth fell open. He hadn’t put two and two together. The World Series would have been at the end of October… God, Hanai was so stupid. “You… _idiot!_ ” Hanai snapped, causing Tajima to flinch. “Why would you-”

A hand on his shoulder stopped him from continuing. “You can yell at my patient after he’s fully recovered,” Ryou said with a small smirk. Hanai flushed when he realized he had let his emotions get the better on him. “Anyway,” Ryou began, turning back to Tajima, “I was able to reattach the ligament without a problem, but that doesn’t mean everything’s going to go back to the way it was before the injury.”

Tajima looked down at his immobilized arm. “I know…” His voice was so much lower than Hanai was used to, and it caused some of the anger he felt at the other’s stupidity to dissipate. 

Ryou placed a gentle hand on Tajima’s good shoulder. “It’s going to take a lot of work on your part. Pushing off the surgery for so long may have caused you to lose some range of motion in your shoulder. Hopefully I’m wrong, but if not I just want you to be prepared for it because there’s no way to know if it will affect your baseball career.” 

Hanai could see the disappointment settling in Tajima’s eyes as he looked down at his arm. He wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure how to comfort Tajima at this point. There were a lot of unknowns. Ryou didn’t say it, but it was still there. The tension of it all making the air heavy and difficult to breathe. After everything, there was a small chance that Tajima may not be able to continue playing at the level he was.

With a sigh, Tajima finally looked up at Ryou and smiled as best he could. “Thanks, for everything.”

Laughing, Ryou shook his head. “Don’t thank me.” His smile was bright despite the atmosphere surrounding them. “I did the easy part. The hard stuff is left for you, but…” He motioned his head in Hanai’s direction. “You don’t have to worry. You’re in the hands of the best physical therapist I know.”

Hanai’s face flushed as they both looked at him. Even the tips of his ears felt warm. “Wow,” he said, letting out a nervous chuckle, “way to lay on the pressure. I’m just average.”

“Oh, Azusa,” Ryou laughed, “always so modest.” Hanai looked down away from his friend’s teasing, but made eye contact with Tajima. They held each other’s gaze, but Hanai couldn’t read him. Tajima’s eyes were cloudy, and Hanai didn’t know what to think, hoping it was mainly due to the pain medication in his system. Ryou - either unaware of the two’s moment or simply not caring - continued talking Hanai’s abilities up. “I swear… I had this one patient I thought wouldn’t be able to keep playing her sport, but after months of rehabilitation with Hanai, she was back running on the field. So honestly…” Ryou’s hand squeezed Tajima’s shoulder finally breaking the two’s gaze. “You’re in perfect hands. That is… if you’re going to be seeing him…”

Tajima opened his mouth to reply, but Hanai beat him to it. “He is.” Tajima looked at him confused, but Hanai ignored it. They had never really discussed that part. Hanai had only mentioned that he was welcomed to come back, and Hanai felt a little bad just assuming Tajima would want that. Hell, Hanai at first was hoping Tajima would go elsewhere. The change in his own thinking startled him, but he simply told himself it was because he didn’t trust anyone else to take care of Tajima’s recovery. _I’d do this for any friend_ , he told himself calmly.

“Perfect!” Ryou grinned happily. “You’ll be better in no time,” he said to Tajima.

“It’s going to take months,” Hanai said with a frown. “Don’t tell him that or he’ll expect me to be a miracle worker.”

Tajima finally cut into the conversation. “I’m sitting right here, you know? And I’m not that much of an idiot, okay?” He had the audacity to pout, and it made Hanai laugh a little.

“Yeah, but remember that one time Izumi told you-” Hanai began, but Tajima cut him off.

“I was a kid!” He groaned. “Just let it go. I’ve changed!”

The words wiped the smile off Hanai’s face, but he forced another on before either noticed. “Right,” he mumbled as the familiar feeling of guilt settled in his stomach. It was stupid, but he had to remember that they both had changed even though everything still felt the same. Tajima wasn’t a stranger, but…

“Well,” Ryou’s words pulled Hanai out of his world. “I’ve got to prepare for my next surgery. I’ll have one of the nurses come set up everything.” He turned to Tajima and smiled. “I’ll see you in two weeks to get those stitches removed.” Then he walked over to Hanai giving him a hug. “It was good seeing you.” Then in a quiet voice only Hanai could hear, he whispered, “So… _Tajima_?”

Hanai could hear the smirk in the other’s voice. “It’s not like that,” he mumbled, feeling his face warm and pulling away. _At least not anymore…_

Ryou seemed to study him for a moment, and Hanai forgot how similar the other was to Sakaeguchi. “Right,” he said, seemingly unconvinced, “well, don’t be stranger. I’d like to hear from you outside of you recommending patients to me. We are friends, you know?”

“Yeah,” Hanai mumbled, “I’ll try a little harder.”

“Good to hear,” Ryou said, walking to the curtain that protected them from other’s view. “Take care of yourself, Tajima.” Then looked at Hanai again. “The anesthesia will make him feel a little invincible, so don’t let him move that arm too much.” Hanai nodded. “Alright, see you.”

Looking back to Tajima, Hanai found that stormy look in his eyes again. “Are you really feeling okay?” Hanai asked, voicing his concerns again.

Tajima sighed, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back on the pillow. “Yeah, ‘m fine.”

Hanai looked him over. Tajima’s brow was pulled into a frown and lips formed a pout. If Hanai didn’t know better, he’d think the other was annoyed at something, but he really didn’t feel like he wanted to push or know exactly what it was. “Alright.”

“Excuse me,” the nurse from earlier stepped through the curtain, stopping Hanai from having to continue the conversation. She handed Hanai some papers. “Dr. Tanaka said to give this to you. They’re to help with the recovery.” As Hanai flipped through the papers, he noted some things that Tajima wouldn’t be able to do and what he could. The nurse went about checking over Tajima, and even helping him walk on his unsteady feet to the bathroom. When they returned, Tajima was in his normal clothes but with only one arm through the sleeves. “He’s ready to go!” She smiled brightly.

They walked out with Tajima leaning heavily on Hanai’s shoulder for support. They set up a date to return for the follow-up, and the nurse gave Hanai some things Tajima would need. “We’ll see you in a couple weeks,” she said, giving them both a kind smile. They thanked her, and Hanai helped Tajima out of the hospital. Leaving the other on a bench, Hanai ran to get the car. Once they were on the road, Tajima drifted off and Hanai let his body relax as he drove.

His mind thought over his next options. Well, technically it was _their_ next options. Hanai stole a glance at Tajima, who slept peacefully with his head leaning against the window. They needed to come up with some sort of plan. Hanai hadn’t really thought about the repercussions of him blurting out that he would be Tajima’s physical therapist. Tajima was already staying at a hotel. He couldn’t stay there for months. He probably wanted to go back overseas for his rehab so he could stay in contact with his team.

_Selfish, selfish_ , he berated himself. _You didn’t even know if you wanted to meet up with him before and now you say things that just assume he’s sticking around!_ Sakaeguchi knew this would probably happen and that’s exactly why he got mad. “I’m an idiot,” Hanai mumbled to himself followed by a sigh.

Tajima’s hum caused him to tense. “I thought I was the idiot,” Tajima groaned as he sat up, trying to stretch out his neck from sleeping at an awkward angle.

“Did I… wake you up?” Hanai asked carefully. Tajima shook his head in response, blinking his eyes trying to rid them of sleep. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Tajima grumbled. He shifted his left arm slightly under his shirt. “At least I’m not left handed,” he said, trying to laugh at the situation.

Hanai smiled. “You would have been fine either way. You’re pretty much ambidextrous.” 

Tajima hummed, but didn’t respond to that. Instead, he brought back up the previous conversation. “So why are you an idiot?”

“Hm?” Hanai didn’t want to answer, but he could feel Tajima staring holes into the side of his head. Mind running a mile a minute, he panicked and just blurted the first thing that came to his mind. “Just remembered something I forgot to tell someone at work.” If that wasn’t the vaguest explanation… _I really am an idiot._ Why did Tajima still have to make him so flustered after all these years later?

“Why don’t you just call them?” Tajima asked.

“Ah…” Hanai glanced at the time. “It’s too late at this point, but it’s fine. I can easily fix it tomorrow.” Tajima hummed, but didn’t say anything else. “Are you hungry?”

“I think so.”

Hanai laughed at that. “You _think_ so?” Tajima attempted to shrug, but ended up hissing in pain at the movement. “You alright?” Hanai’s laughter died instantly and was replaced by concern.

Tajima nodded and smiled through the pain. “Yeah,” he sighed. “I guess I forgot I can’t really move it right now. Can we stop to eat? I haven’t eaten all day, but I can’t really tell if I’m hungry or nauseous at this point.”

“Ah…” Hanai nodded in understanding. The anesthesia could have that kind of effect on people. “There’s a diner around the corner we can stop at. Sakaeguchi and I were just there a couple days ago. Their soup is good.”

“Sakaeguchi was here?” Tajima mumbled in confusion. “I didn’t know that. Isn’t he back in Tokyo?”

Hanai nodded. “Yeah, he came to visit me.” He quietly prayed that Tajima wouldn’t realize that it was around the time that he showed back up. He didn’t want to have to explain himself. “He and Suyama visit every now and then.”

“That’s nice that you’re still close with them.” Again, Hanai felt the guilt blooming at those words. He knew Tajima didn’t mean it like that - at least he hoped he didn’t - but he felt bad.

“Yeah,” he said, as he pulled into the parking lot.

They walked inside on their own - Tajima much more stable on his feet after the extra rest. They were seated quickly and placed their orders. Hanai decided on a sandwich and Tajima ordered a bowl of soup. They sat in awkward silence as they waited, but Hanai knew he had to bring up the whole rehab situation.

“So… I know I said I would be your physical therapist, but you don’t have to,” he said, taking a sip of his water. Tajima didn’t say anything so he continued. “We’re far from where we grew up, so you wouldn’t be able to stay with family. Unless some live around here I guess, but you have a team you have to get back to as well, so I completely understand if you need to leave or something.”

“Hanai,” Tajima cut in, “you’re rambling.” The small smile on Tajima’s face made Hanai blush in embarrassment. “I’m staying.”

Hanai’s heart seemed to speed up. “Yeah?” Tajima nodded and Hanai couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face. _He’s staying._ Hanai knew he should have been concerned about how relieved he was to hear that, but he didn’t care at this point. “But where are you going to stay.”

“The hotel,” Tajima said as if it was the natural solution to his housing situation.

“No,” Hanai immediately said with a frown. “It will take months for rehab to finish. You can’t stay in a hotel that long.” Tajima looked ready to argue, but the waitress returning with their food stopped the conversation from escalating. Which was probably a good thing because Hanai knew it would have been similar to their phone conversation about getting Tajima to the hospital.

Tajima devoured his soup in minutes all the while complaining about how hot it was. The sight made Hanai laugh as he slowly ate his sandwich. Hanai caught Tajima staring at his sandwich so he offered the other half. “Just take it,” Hanai demanded after Tajima refused. “You haven’t eaten all day, and I had breakfast this morning. Eat.” With a huff, Tajima took the food, but wasted no time in eating it as quickly as possible, and awkwardly as well with just his one hand.

There was no more talk about where Tajima would be living throughout the rest of their meal, but Hanai was trying to think of something better than a hotel. Maybe Tajima could rent an apartment. It would be homier than a hotel, but then… then Tajima would also have to buy furniture to fill it unless he found one that was already furnished. As they made their way to the hotel, Hanai wondered if maybe a hotel was the best option for Tajima. He wouldn’t have to clean anything. He could get food made for him as well.

Tajima struggled opening his door and Hanai frowned. _He can’t stay by himself._ That was not an option. Tajima would need help with the simplest activities for at least the first month, but there was no one here to do that. Tajima would be on his own to do everything one handed. 

Walking inside, Hanai noted how put together the room was. Tajima could even sleep on the couch so he could sit up instead of trying to lie down, but still… Hanai felt uneasy. “See?” Tajima motioned to the room. “It’s a nice hotel. I could definitely stay here.”

He was walking around, showing Hanai he could manage on his own. Even demonstrating - with great difficulty in most - how he would do things, but at times Tajima would even give up. _Him staying is technically my idea_ , Hanai thought and ignored the part of his mind that said Tajima probably would have stayed regardless. He couldn’t ask Tajima to spend money for months to stay here.

“You can stay with me,” Hanai’s mouth said the words before he had time to think of the consequences.

Tajima, who had been struggling to open a water bottle with his teeth, stopped and stared. He looked confused and… even a little scared. “What?” His voice had lost the confidence he had just been talking with. His body seemed frozen, but Hanai knew he probably looked equally terrified. 

“I…” Hanai pulled his eyes away to stare at the picture of a field hanging above the bed. “I have an extra bedroom. It would be convenient. You can’t drive, so I could take you to the center for your appointment and drive you home or you could stay there for the day… whatever you want I guess. It’s not being used - the room that is… Or you could sleep on the recliner I have… it would be better for your shoulder anyway…”

“You’re rambling…” Tajima whispered, and Hanai stopped talking. He looked back and Tajima looked like a deer in the headlights. “Hanai… are you sure…?”

The hesitancy wasn’t a surprise. Tajima didn’t need to say the words. With their past, Hanai should be hesitant as well. He was nervous about it, and Hanai didn’t want to know why he felt so nervous. _Where is the line, Hanai?_ He asked himself, and he wondered if there ever really was a line to begin with or if it was just a figment of his imagination. 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he said just as quietly as Tajima. He knew he’d worry like hell if he left Tajima to his own devices like this. “At least then I won’t have to worry about you hurting yourself trying to open a water bottle.” He said, trying to lighten the mood, which surprisingly worked as Tajima burst out in laughter. He could feel the tension lifting and his body relaxed.

_Sakaeguchi is going to fucking kill me._


	8. Am I confusing missing you for something else?

There were a lot of things Hanai expected when he stepped out of Tajima’s hotel room to make a call to Sakaeguchi. Often, his friend was expressive and said whatever came to mind, especially now that they were older, but most of the time it was something encouraging unless Hanai royally fucked up. 

And this just may be one of those times. So when Hanai told Sakaeguchi about where Tajima was going to be staying, he expected an outburst like the one just hours earlier at the hospital. What he did not expect was to be met by utter silence. Hanai even checked to see if perhaps the line had been disconnected.

“Are you… mad?” He asked Sakaeguchi. Without being able to see his friend’s face, he had no way of judging what was going through the other’s head. He figured the best course of action would be to straight up ask.

“Hanai,” Sakaeguchi’s voice was eerily calm, “I’m fucking livid.” 

The words sent a shiver down his spine. Now he could imagine the pissed off look on Sakaeguchi’s face, and it scared him. He and Suyama had only ever seen it once or twice throughout their years of knowing him, and they both made a pact to never get on the smaller’s bad side. They were just glad that Sakaeguchi was a generally happy and kind person that it was difficult to get him to that level of anger. They actually pitied whoever had to face Sakaeguchi like that.

The fact that Hanai was experiencing this truly meant that he had fucked up on an unbelievable level. And he was terrified. 

Hanai quickly thanked whatever higher being was out there that Sakaeguchi didn’t live close enough anymore to just drop what he was doing to come knock some sense into him. He had no doubt that Sakaeguchi would probably slap him for being so stupid, and Hanai couldn’t blame him. He was already feeling the doubt creep in. This whole situation was a bad idea, but he couldn’t take it back now. He was a grown man - he’d figure it out.

But still… the apology spilled from his lips. He wasn’t sure why he was necessarily apologizing. Maybe it was because he felt like he was letting Sakaeguchi down, or maybe it was because Sakaeguchi (and Suyama) had been there whenever something went wrong. His friend had been through everything with him, and Hanai knew he’d be there again if (or when) this situation went bad. _No, don’t start thinking it’ll go bad yet,_ he told himself. _Nothing is set in stone._

“Don’t apologize…” Sakaeguchi said followed by a sigh. Hanai could imagine his friend’s shoulders sagging with a look of exhaustion upon his face. He sounded the way Hanai was starting to feel now that everything was settling in his mind. “Are you really sure about this? Do you really think this is a good idea?” 

Humming, Hanai leaned his back against the wall. His eyes were fixated on the window at the end of the hallway as he thought about how to answer. He could lie and say he was absolutely sure. It was his idea anyway, but he knew better. Sakaeguchi had known him long enough that he had no doubt his white lie would be seen through.

“Hanai?” Sakaeguchi asked softly, pulling him from his thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m here,” Hanai sighed as he straightened up a little. “Honestly, Sakaeguchi…” As much as he wanted to be confident, he really couldn’t. “No… I’m not an idiot. I know this is pretty stupid, but I can’t just let him try to go on without someone watching him, you know?” Sakaeguchi hummed in agreement. “I was also the person that kinda decided everything for him…”

He heard a snort through the speaker and smiled a little. “Yeah,” Sakaeguchi said, “you’re an idiot.”

“Don’t rub it in.” Hanai grinned at that and let a small chuckle slip past his lips. 

“So…” The word stretched out as Sakaeguchi filled the silence. “Everything with the surgery went well though?”

_Ah, right._ Hanai had completely forgotten to even mention that part. He’d just dropped the bomb on Sakaeguchi instead. “Yeah,” he nodded to himself, “it went relatively quickly, but he had Ryou as his surgeon so I’m really not surprised. He told us that he was able to fix everything and nothing looked out of the ordinary with the tear.”

“Oh?” Hanai didn’t miss the teasing tone. “Ryou was his doctor you say? How is good ol’ Ryou? Still calling you Azusa?”

Groaning, Hanai turned to lean the side of his head against the wall. “Not again…”

“Listen to me!” Sakaeguchi practically giggled, but Hanai didn’t want to listen to this _again_. “He’s a really good looking guy and he calls you-”

“Can you just give it a rest with that?” Hanai cut him off. He’d already had enough of Sakaeguchi’s words when he was in graduate school with Ryou. He didn’t need nor want this torture all over again. “We’re close, yes, but it’s not like that, okay?” He and Ryou had both been working through tough programs, but their relationship was strictly a friendship. Hanai couldn’t even think about Ryou in that way. Besides… “He has a fiance, you know… and _she_ is really nice.”

He heard Sakaeguchi sigh. “Yeah, I remember.” Hanai swore he sounded disappointed. “You know I still think if you’d made a move back in graduate school, he’d be dating you instead.”

Rolling his eyes, Hanai just let him talk. He’d said the same thing back then as well, but it had been too close to… Hanai let his eyes wander to Tajima’s door. “You know why I didn’t,” he mumbled, and the line went silent between them.

“So the surgery went well?” Sakaeguchi asked, and Hanai hummed. “I’ll let the rest of the guys know. They were wondering about it.”

“Thanks,” Hanai said, smiling a little again. “So are you still pissed?”

“Ah,” Sakaeguchi let out a huff while he thought it over. “I guess I really can’t be, can I?” Hanai chuckled at that. “But I’m serious about what I said earlier.”

“What?”

“If you need us to come visit, just let us know.” 

Hanai smiled warmly at that. “I think I got it covered, but if you want to come to see him, I’m sure he won’t mind. He seemed surprised that you were here to visit a few days ago.”

Sakaeguchi laughed. “Well it has been a few years. I’ll talk to Shouji about it, and see if we can make the trip. Can we stay at your place?”

“Yeah,” Hanai pushed off the wall and moved toward Tajima’s door. “I’m thinking Tajima will be sleeping on the recliner for at least the first week. It’ll be easier, so the bed will be free this weekend if you want to come up.”

“Sounds great!” Sakaeguchi cheered happily. Hanai couldn’t blame him for sounding happy. Despite the mess between him and Tajima, they were all friends, and it really had been years. “Oh, and Hanai?” He asked, and Hanai hummed. “You’ve always had shit luck, so don’t do anything stupid while he’s staying at your place.”

Sakaeguchi’s voice was teasing, but Hanai frowned at the words. “What do you expect to happen?” He asked, reaching for Tajima’s door that he’d left cracked just a bit.

“Nothing!” Sakaeguchi said much too quickly for Hanai’s liking. “Just… you know…”

Hanai’s hand gripped the handle on the door, but he didn’t push it open yet. He could hear Tajima packing his stuff up. “Just what, Sakaeguchi?”

“You and Tajima have a lot you still need to talk about,” he said softly. “The two of you always had this connection that was hard to explain. If you finally do talk with him, be ready.”

He let the words settle in his mind. Sakaeguchi was right - his friend was rarely wrong in this area. “I know, alright?” Hanai grumbled. “What do you take me for?”

“An idiot who invited his ex into his home for the next few months,” Sakaeguchi said in a light, teasing voice that even made Hanai laugh.

“Okay, enough,” he said, sobering up. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay, see you, Hanai!” Sakaeguchi cheered.

Hanai laughed as he pushed open the door. “See you, Sakaeguchi.” He slipped his phone back into his pocket and closed the door behind him. “Hey, Tajima, are you-” He turned back around to have Tajima standing right in front of him. _Too close._

“Was that Sakaeguchi?” Tajima asked, angling his head a little. “What’d he want?”

“I uh…” Hanai took a slight step backward to increase the space between them. Sakaeguchi’s words were fresh in his mind, and he’d be damned if he left something stupid happen so soon. “I promised him that I would let him know how your surgery went.” Tajima kept staring at him, unblinking. “What?”

“Nothing!” Tajima grinned, right arm scratching the back of his head. Hanai knew that look, but if Tajima wasn’t going to tell him, he wasn’t going to press for more. Tajima turned away from Hanai and walked back over to his bag.

Hanai watched him struggle to fold the clothes and shook his head. “Here,” he said, walking over and gently nudging Tajima away. If he let Tajima do this himself, they’d never get to his house. “I’ll do this.” He purposely avoided looking at Tajima. “You just get everything together. It’ll take you hours.” Tajima snickered, and Hanai felt an annoyed blush form on his cheeks. “Shut up, and go get the rest of your crap.”

“Yes, sir!” Tajima saluted him and walked away to the bathroom, laughing.

Rolling his eyes, Hanai focused on folding Tajima’s clothes and putting them away. He may have only brought one suitcase, but it was a lot larger than Hanai had originally thought and Tajima also had a lot more clothes too. Three different pairs of shoes, a couple pairs of jeans, multiple shirts and jackets… It was a wonder that they all fit in this bag to begin with.

Tajima made multiple trips to the bathroom to gather his things - unable to carry much at once with only one arm. Hanai quickly folded the clothes, and tried to distract himself from the question that had suddenly popped into his mind while looking at the amount of clothes. _Don’t_ , he told himself, _it’s not worth the hassle._

He picked up an oddly familiar t-shirt. It was faded from years of wear and looked ready to fall apart, but Hanai could still make out the screen print on the front. _What the fuck_ , he frowned and shoved the shirt into the suitcase. Just because Tajima still had one of his shirts that he’d given him _years_ ago didn’t mean anything.

“Done!” Tajima’s grinning face appeared before him again. “I can’t actually put them away in the bag, but everything’s together.” He sat down on the bed, trying to get comfortable while Hanai continued packing for him. “Hey, you alright? Not having second thoughts, are you?”

Hanai glared at him with more anger than he meant to. “Of course not,” he said, shoving the t-shirt farther from view so Tajima wouldn’t see what he had been looking at. “I said you’ll be staying with me, and I meant it.”

Tajima was quiet for a moment while Hanai packed the rest of his things. “Just making sure,” he finally said, voice showing the annoyance he must have felt at Hanai snapping at him. “I don’t want you to think you have to do this.”

Sighing, Hanai shoved the rest of Tajima’s things in his bag and zipped it. He finally looked up to see Tajima frowning at him. “Sorry,” he apologized, knowing he shouldn’t have reacted like that. “It’s not that I don’t want you to stay over, alright?” He hoped Tajima could tell he was being honest. The situation was going to be weird… that’s all. Tajima studied him for a second before nodding. Hanai let out a breath. “Is there anything else that you need to pack?”

Tajima looked around the room. “I don’t think so.” He struggled getting off the bed without the other hand to balance him, and Hanai was there beside him pulling him up by his right hand. “Thanks,” Tajima grumbled.

Hanai couldn’t stop the smile from reaching his lips. “Ah,” he said, easily picking up the suitcase and putting it on the ground, “you’re going to hate the next few weeks.” He couldn’t help teasing when Tajima was obviously displeased with his current state.

“Why’s that?” Tajima asked, following Hanai.

Grinning down at him, Hanai opened the door. “You’ll have to rely on others until you can move that arm again.” He watched Tajima’s face shift from confusion to pouting at the news, and couldn’t stop the laugh. Hanai teasingly poked the crease that formed on Tajima’s forehead. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure it’s not too painful for you.”

“Shut up,” Tajima grumbled as Hanai continued to laugh.

They left the room and took the elevator down to the lobby. Hanai stood off to the side while Tajima checked out. He knew he really shouldn’t bother him too much since Tajima could easily make the months he’d (probably) be staying with him absolutely miserable. But the idea of Tajima having to heavily rely on others for the simplest things was just a mental image he couldn’t help but grin at. He could already imagine the pouting and grumbling, and it somehow brightened Hanai’s mood. 

He had to stop himself from walking over to help Tajima. _Too soon after the teasing_ , he thought, but it was actually a little painful to watch. Tajima was even struggling with his wallet. Hanai stifled a laugh when Tajima used his teeth to extract his card causing Tajima to send him a glare. 

When Tajima was done, he walked back to Hanai silently, eyes challenging Hanai to say something about the exchange. “Done?” Tajima nodded and followed Hanai towards the doors. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to having only one hand.”

Groaning, Tajima let his head fall backward. “God, I fucking hate you.”

“Nah,” Hanai grinned down at him, “you know you love me.”

Hanai refused to acknowledge the fluttering in his stomach at the airy laugh he received from his lighthearted jab. He adamantly told himself that it was only because of that stupid shirt he saw and the fact that it had been years since he last saw Tajima. _I only missed him_ , he thought, _as a friend._

“Yeah, yeah,” Tajima rubbed his eyes while a large grin stretched across his face. “Whatever you say.”

Tajima looked at him with bright eyes, and Hanai swallowed. _This was a horrible fucking idea._ He made a mental note to message Sakaeguchi to get him and Suyama there that weekend. Tomorrow was Friday. Surely, he could handle one day being around Tajima. It would be fine.

* * *

The ride back to Hanai’s place didn’t take very long even if he lived along the town’s outskirts. It was a relatively small place and only took twenty minutes to get from one side to the other. Thankfully, the ride had been painless. It was quiet, but unlike the drive to the hospital, the silence felt comfortable. There were no legs shaking or fingers tapping. Tajima gazed out the window while Hanai focused on the road without worrying about the person next to him.

“It’s different,” Tajima said when they were minutes away.

“What is?” Hanai glanced at him, but the other was still looking out the window.

“Compared to where you were before,” he said, gesturing to the open fields and trees. In the distance, the outline of the mountains was visible. 

Hanai hummed in understanding. His apartment that Tajima had known was cramped and nestled in the city. There was a lot going on at all times. The city never really seemed to sleep, but this was the polar opposite. It was quiet and quaint with plenty of open space. Everyone moved at their own pace as well. It was nice.

“I like the mountains close by,” he finally said as he pulled up to his small house. He got out and grabbed Tajima’s suitcase from the backseat. “I take Kiko and Shiro there a lot to go on hikes.”

Tajima frowned at him from the other side of the car. “You take who?”

“Kiko and Shiro?” Hanai frowned at the confused look on Tajima’s face as they made their way to his front door. Had he not mentioned them yet? “My dogs?”

Tajima’s eyes grew large and excited. “You have dogs?! Like plural?! As in more than just one dog?!”

“Yeah,” Hanai said, shaking his head at how happy Tajima seemed at the idea. “I have two of them. Speaking of…” He unlocked the door, but didn’t open it. He eyed Tajima’s arm. “Give me like two minutes. I’m not really worried about Kiko. She’s a sweetheart, but Shiro… He likes to jump on Sakaeguchi when he visits…”

“So you want to calm him down first?” Tajima asked, tilting his head slightly.

Grinning, Hanai nodded. “Yeah, I’ll go in first and then I’ll let you know when it’s safe.” Tajima nodded while Hanai walked in, closing the door quickly behind him. Shiro was there in an instant, jumping on his legs, while Kiko was sniffing Tajima’s suitcase that he’d pushed to the side.

“Hi, hi,” Hanai laughed as Shiro licked at his clothes. “Yes, I’m home. Relax bud!” He knelt down, wrapping his arms around Shiro and allowed himself to be licked. If it kept Shiro from hurting Tajima’s arm, it was worth it. “You can come in!” He called, but frowned and shut his eye when Shiro’s tongue got too close to it.

Tajima’s laugh touched his ears and he heard the door close. He felt Shiro lurch in his arms, but held him back. “Hey,” he said seriously to his dog. He let Kiko go about sniffing Tajima. “Relax,” he warned, but he felt Shiro’s tail hitting his leg and knew the dog was eager to meet the new person in his house.

“Hello, beautiful,” Tajima cooed as he let Kiko sniff his hand. When she was content, she happily let him scratch her head. “You must be Kiko.” Hanai smiled warmly at the two. “And then… Shiro?”

Hanai laughed at the confused look on Tajima’s face. “Probably weren’t expecting a black lab?” Tajima laughed as well and shook his head. “Before you ask, I did not name him but I couldn’t bring myself to change his name. I thought it was cute.”

Tajima laughed as he let Shiro lick his hand. “I feel like that’s a name I would have picked,” he joked as his face scrunched at the amount of licks his hand was getting.

“Yeah, my thoughts exactly,” Hanai said, and regretted it once Tajima’s sharp eyes found his. Maybe he should have kept that bit to himself. Hanai felt Shiro calm down. “I’m going to let him go now.” Tajima nodded, preparing for the worst. Once free, Shiro circled around Tajima a few times. He looked ready to jump, but a stern ‘no’ from Hanai had him sitting back on all fours.

“They’re good dogs,” Tajima commented as he followed Hanai farther into the house with the dogs following closely behind them.

“Only when there’s company,” he teased. Hanai opened the backdoor, and once they were out, he shut it. When he turned back, Tajima was wandering around his house looking at different things. “So this is my house…” He hoped his nerves weren’t obvious.

Tajima grinned at him. “I like it. I think it really suits you.”

Hanai could tell Tajima was being genuine and it made him smile. He ignored the warmth he felt in his face, but his hand was already at the back of his neck - a sign that he was embarrassed. “Thanks,” he mumbled, hoping Tajima hadn’t noticed. But the mirth in the other’s eyes was enough to tell him that he’d been found out. “I’ll show you to the spare room.”

He grabbed Tajima’s suitcase and pulled it down the hall, and made it a point to ignore that Tajima was probably looking around. It felt oddly embarrassing. _It shouldn’t_ , he told himself, _it’s your home and he’s your friend. Sakaeguchi has been in every nook and cranny of this place._ But with Tajima… it just felt different.

“Here’s your room,” he said, placing the suitcase against the wall. “You’ll probably want to sleep on the recliner for the first week or so. It’ll be more comfortable on your shoulder.” Silence met his explanation. Turning around, he found the space behind him empty. “Tajima?” He called.

“So this is your room?” Tajima called out from down the hall, and Hanai felt panic creep up.

“Hey!” He snapped and rushed out of the room. Tajima was already sitting on his bed and making himself at home. “What do you think you’re doing?” He didn’t like the way his voice rose in pitch.

Tilting his head to the side, Tajima had the audacity to look innocent. “What?” He asked, leaning back against the pillows. “I’m just checking out your home. Why do you look so panicked?” He asked, and Hanai could see the glint in his eyes.

“That’s my bed,” he said, steadying his voice and calming his facial expression. 

“Your point?” Tajima challenged. Hanai stared at him. What was Tajima trying to prove from this? What could he possibly gain from being so annoying. Was this just revenge for the teasing earlier? “Hey, is this still the same bed from college?” Tajima asked when Hanai refused to acknowledge his first question. He rolled from his back to his right side and back again. “Feels like it.”

Hanai closed his eyes and took a breath. Yes, it was still the same bed, but he wasn’t about to tell Tajima that with him lying exactly where he used to. “Your bed’s in the other room,” he stated - surprised at how calm he sounded with the growing unease he felt. 

“You didn’t even-” Hanai stopped himself from arguing. He could still see the mischief in Tajima’s eyes and if he kept responding, it was only going to instigate him. _You’re better than this_ , he told himself. Huffing in annoyance, Hanai turned toward the hallway. “You’re sleeping on the recliner anyway,” he said with a sense of finality. “Keep rolling around like that and you’re gonna bother that shoulder.”

Perhaps noticing that his little game was over, Tajima sat up with a small pout on his lips. “Do I seriously have to sleep on the recliner? What kind of host makes his guest sleep on the couch?”

Hanai’s face softened at the annoyed look from Tajima. “I know it doesn’t seem comfortable, but Sakaeguchi sleeps on the couches all the time. Besides, you always favored sleeping on your left side. It’ll help you sleep through the night.” Tajima frowned at him. “What?”

“You actually…” Tajima began but shook his head before finishing his thought. “Nevermind,” he stood up from the bed. “You’re right. I’ll sleep on the recliner.”

Although he was confused, Hanai let whatever Tajima had wanted to say go, and brought Tajima back to the guest room. “Do you wanna unpack now or later?” Hanai asked, moving the suitcase to the bed for better access.

“Let’s do it later,” Tajima decided and Hanai nodded, not even questioning how Tajima already wanted to do it together. It would be easier that way anyway. “Hey, can we play with the dogs?” He asked, eyes lighting up. “It’s been years since I’ve had a dog.”

Hanai grinned at that. “Yeah, sure.” Making their way to let the dogs in, Hanai had to contain his laughter. Tajima was basically buzzing with energy. How he managed to be that excited and happy after having surgery earlier that day, Hanai would probably never understand. “If you’re that excited, you’re going to get Shiro wound up again.”

“Sorry,” Tajima laughed at himself. However, any and all attempts to stand still ended quickly. “I just love dogs.”

“You don’t have any pets?” Hanai asked, a frown pulling at his lips when Tajima shook his head. “I would have expected you to at least have some sort of animal running around.” He wouldn’t have been surprised if Tajima had a flying squirrel or something like that.

“No,” Tajima said, eyes on the door waiting for Hanai to open it and let the two dogs in, “I was going to, but it never felt like the right time, you know?”

Hanai didn’t believe that for a second. It had barely been a year into their relationship before Tajima had suggested adopting a dog, and suddenly he’s saying it never felt like the right time? “Really?” Tajima just nodded, but Hanai didn’t miss the fact that Tajima was avoiding his eyes. “Huh, I find that hard to believe,” he said honestly, but opened the door to let the dogs in. Kiko walked in slowly, but Shiro ran straight for Tajima and Hanai had to grab him before he jumped.

Tajima laughed happily as he knelt down to cuddle with Kiko. Hanai smiled as Tajima hugged her tightly and ran his fingers through her fur. “You really are beautiful,” Tajima said to her, and Hanai could swear Kiko’s face lit up at the words.

It was cute to watch, but Hanai couldn’t really see well with Shiro trying to lunge free for Tajima’s attention as well. “Would you just calm down for once in your life?” Hanai asked in exasperation. Shiro’s tail was wagging a mile a minute out of sheer excitement of having someone else in the house. “You weren’t even this excited the first time you saw Sakaeguchi and you love him!”

“It’s because dogs love me!” Tajima grinned, moving to let Shiro sniff his hand. He also got an unfortunate lick or two or twenty, but Tajima just kept smiling happily through it all.

Hanai smiled - glad to see Tajima so different from his behavior before the surgery. “No wonder you always wanted a dog,” he said softly. 

Tajima glanced at him before petting Shiro’s head, who was finally starting to calm down. “Yeah, I had a dog when I was younger. They’re great companions.” Hanai hummed in response and let Shiro go. The dog pressed his body up against Tajima’s body and sat there. “What’s he doing?” He chuckled.

“Oh,” Hanai gave Shiro a small pat, “he just does that whenever he wants attention.” Tajima gladly gave it to him, ruffling his fur and scratching his ears. “He really does like you a lot. I mean it. The only other person he remotely attached himself to like this was Sakaeguchi, and it had taken a couple visits for that to sink in.”

“Well I like him, too.” Tajima stood up, but Shiro kept himself plastered to his leg, making Tajima laugh again. “He reminds me of that dog…” He trailed off and the grin on his face faded to a small smile.

Hanai’s face fell a little as well. “Yeah,” he whispered, “I know he does.” 

He couldn’t lie about that. One of the main reasons he’d fallen for Shiro in the first place was because he reminded Hanai of the dog Tajima had pointed out years ago. At first, he’d been apprehensive to adopt Shiro, but it felt like fate in a way and it had provided a sense of closure. He would have laughed at that thought now, seeing Tajima in front of him, but at the time… it had seemed perfect, and Shiro had a personality that had him falling in love in seconds. 

“Anyway,” Hanai cleared his throat and avoided Tajima’s eyes, “what do you want for dinner?” He walked into the kitchen to start looking at what he had.

“Food already?” Tajima asked from behind him.

“Well, yeah,” Hanai said, trying to decide what he could throw together. “I might as well start cooking now, so it will be ready. I want you to be able to eat before you take your pain medication.” Tajima laughed. “What could possibly be so funny about what I just said?”

Tajima waved him off as he sat down at the kitchen table. “No, it’s just,” he chuckled again before he managed to get his words out, “you’ve been spending _way_ too much time with Sakaeguchi.”

“What? Why?” Hanai frowned at the large grin on Tajima’s face.

“You’re like a mom now. He’s rubbing off on you.” Another fit of laughter had Hanai rolling his eyes.

“Well, I’m sorry for wanting to keep you pain free.” He turned away from Tajima. “So what do you want?”

“I’ll eat anything.”

“Good,” Hanai said as he pulled random ingredients out of his pantry and fridge, “because I honestly don’t know what we are going to eat…” He hadn’t exactly been expecting company. _I should probably go to the store after work tomorrow._

As he looked over his hodgepodge of ingredients, Hanai resigned himself to the fact that whatever he made was going to taste weird. The question then became: Was it worth cooking or should they just order out? 

Glancing over his shoulder, Hanai smiled. Kiko was lying at Tajima’s feet and looked fast asleep. Shiro, on the other hand, was sitting next to Tajima and had his head plopped in the other’s lap, looking up at the human with what could only be considered puppy eyes. Hanai rolled his eyes at how needy the black dog was. 

It was unbelievably domestic and it left Hanai with conflicting emotions again, and he couldn’t quite distinguish whether his stomach was flipping in worry or something else. 

“Hey,” Hanai said and waited for Tajima to look up at him. “How about pizza?”

Tajima’s face lit up at the words. “Thank god,” he groaned, “I was a little worried about your cooking skills.”

Hanai should have felt offended and he tried to look annoyed, but he could feel the corners of his lips pulling upward. “I’ll have you know that my cooking skills are amazing.”

“Hanai,” Tajima gave him the most incredulous look, “you had trouble making instant ramen.”

“That was in college!” He defended himself as he scrolled through his phone to find the number he was looking for. “Besides, I had a good teacher,” he said before pressing the contact and waiting for the phone to ring.

He turned to put everything away, missing the confused look that passed across Tajima’s face at his words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I haven't updated this since October and I am so, so sorry about that. I just want to say a quick thanks to everyone for sticking with me and putting up with my long delays in posting. To be honest, this chapter has been sitting unfinished probably since October and I can only apologize. It was supposed to be longer, but I've let too much time pass so I cut it short.
> 
> That being said, I want to say that I have not and do not plan on giving up on this story. I plan on seeing it to the end. Just want to let you all know that work gets in the way. I do a lot of typing and writing during the day that by the time I get home I don't want to look at a screen ever again. Excuses, yes, I know but that's all I can offer.
> 
> I also want to let you know that I'm trying to figure out a timeline for the rest of this story but honestly I barely know what day it is in each chapter so I'm sorry for inconsistencies. I'm trying. I'm also trying to incorporate some past things into these stories and there will also be a lot of conversations and awkwardness at times so I'm just giving everyone a heads up about that.
> 
> So thank you to everyone who has given kudos and comments! It puts a smile on my face and forces me to write when all I want to do is sleep. You are all wonderful and I hope I can keep providing you guys with good content. Thank you guys really! - Pags


	9. Keep me wide awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally gave Hanai's receptionist a name: Mari. I got tired of calling her receptionist/secretary. Also. Talk of taking pain medicine but it's only for medical purposes.
> 
> And thank you to everyone who continues to read this story! I am sorry I have given up on writing Chapter Titles. I am not good at them.

Hanai did his best to ignore the look on his receptionist’s face as he practically dragged his feet into his office the next day. He shut the door without glancing back at her or the couple of therapists that had already arrived. He didn’t want to deal with anything today. He was so tired that he could actually feel the bags under his eyes.

Collapsing into his chair, it almost tipped over and forced him to grab onto his desk to steady himself. The thought that he should have just taken the day off crossed his mind, but he had already taken off the day before and the source of his exhaustion was currently occupying his home. If he went back home now, he still wouldn’t be able to catch up on the sleep that he lost the night before.

Yes, this was all Tajima’s fault. It had absolutely _nothing_ to do with Hanai and the fact that he had invited the other to stay in his home until he was done his physical therapy. He was _completely_ free of fault. Tajima was just too much to handle. Hanai probably needed months of preparing himself to deal with this situation, but was only given a couple days. 

Yet here he was… Living with his ex for the foreseeable future. _I really am an idiot_ , he thought. Hanai counted his stars lucky that Sakaeguchi and Suyama were going to visit for the weekend. He wished they could stay forever, but that was out of the question. 

With a sigh, Hanai let his head fall to the desk but cushioned it with his arms. He wondered if anyone would notice if he decided to take a brief nap. They probably would. His coworkers would never leave him alone for more than ten minutes. In fact…

He looked up just as there was a knock at his door. Sitting up, Hanai called the person in and wasn’t surprised to see his receptionist. “Good morning, sir!” She cheered in her ever-so-peppy tone.

“Morning, Mari,” Hanai returned, smiling through his exhaustion. He hoped that her energy would rub off on him. “Do you have today’s schedule?” He asked when he noticed the papers in her hands.

“Yup!” She practically skipped over to his desk and handed over the papers. Hanai flipped through them to get a feel for what his day would look like, stifling a yawn. “I’m surprised you’re so tired since you took the day off yesterday.”

Hanai glanced up at her and noticed the glint in her eyes. Once again, he was left wondering why he put up with her, but then he remembered how well she worked with all the clients and even the other therapists. Hanai, himself, didn’t know what he would do without her keeping him organized.

“Uh, yeah…” He mumbled putting the papers down. “It wasn’t exactly a restful day off,” he explained in the vaguest way possible and hoped she wouldn’t ask more.

“Does it have anything to do with the nice man that came here a couple days ago?” She asked sweetly, but Hanai knew what she was trying to do.

The only problem was that with everything that had happened the night before and that morning, her words had left an effect on him that he didn’t like. “Why would you ask that?” He tried his best to glare through the blush that was creeping up his neck.

Mari smiled brightly at him. “Oh, no reason,” she singsonged. She must have gotten the information that she wanted because she turned as though to leave. “Your first appointment isn’t for another hour. I’ll let the others know you have a conference call.”

Hanai frowned looking down at his papers. “But I don’t…” 

“I know,” she said with a grin as she walked out the door, closing it behind her.

Letting out a laugh, Hanai put his papers to the side. As nosy as she was, Mari was a superb receptionist and he really would fall apart without her. He leaned back in his chair and let out a sigh. 

He wondered why Mari had instantly thought of Tajima. Had the situation earlier that week really been that awkward that it had stood out that much? Well, even Sakaeguchi had mentioned that he would have thought the same thing as she did. So maybe Hanai shouldn’t think too much of it, but it was still a nagging thought.

Yet the more he wondered about what Mari had meant, the more he thought of Tajima and if he wanted any semblance of peace, that was out of the question. He glanced at his schedule but decided it could wait. Pulling out his phone, Hanai opened his messages and asked Sakaeguchi when he would be arriving.

It didn’t take more than a minute of Hanai putting his phone down that it was vibrating across the surface. “You could have just answered,” he said as he answered the call. “No need to call.”

Sakaeguchi laughed on the other end. “I know, but I was bored.”

“Bored?” Hanai frowned as he looked at the time. “Shouldn’t you be in work?”

“I decided to just take the whole day off,” the other explained.

Hanai rolled his eyes. He should have known. Sakaeguchi never liked just spending half of his day at work. He always said it would either be a full day in or a full day out, and something about it counting as a full day anyway. “So what’s the answer?” He asked.

“Oh, right. Uh…” Hanai waited for Sakaeguchi to figure it, and in the meantime he turned on his computer. “Probably like… six?”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

Sakaeguchi laughed. “Well… Shouji is working the lunch rush. We’re already packed, so he just has to pick me up, but there’s always the rush time traffic…”

Hanai hummed in understanding. “At least once you get out of the city, the drive shouldn’t be too bad.”

“True.” Hanai could tell Sakaeguchi was smiling from the tone of his voice. “And it’s very scenic. I enjoy coming to visit you.”

“No wonder you show up so often then,” Hanai said, making Sakaeguchi laugh.

“Yeah, yeah, that and the dogs.”

Hanai grinned. “I thought you wanted a cat?” He asked as he rested his head back on his desk, trying to find a more comfortable position.

A sigh on the other end told Hanai that the situation between his two friends was still ongoing. “Don’t remind me. Shouji is still hellbent on getting a dog, but a cat would work so much better with our schedules!”

“Just tell him that I give you both permission to borrow Shiro and Kiko whenever you want,” Hanai said through a yawn, making his words slightly unintelligible. “They love you guys anyway.”

“Thanks,” Sakaeguchi said with a sigh. “So why do you sound like you got two hours of sleep?”

Hanai groaned at the suggestive tone his friend used. “I swear… if you’re wiggling your eyebrows right now, you can sleep in the backyard tonight.”

“Oh come on!” Sakaeguchi stifled his laugh. “But really… nothing happened?”

“Are you serious? Weren’t you the one that was so adamant that nothing should happen?” Hanai grumbled which only made the other laugh. 

“Uh huh… sure… nothing happened…” 

Hanai could imagine the smirk on his friend, and he could feel his face warming at the words. “Nothing happened!” He yelled, voice rising in pitch and bringing on another round of laughter. “I don’t remember you being like this in high school. What happened to you?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Sakaeguchi said, but Hanai could tell he was anything but. “It’s just so fun to rile you up.” _Ah, there it is…_ “It’s no wonder Tajima did it so often.” Hanai frowned at the words, fearing where this was going. “ _Speaking of…_ how is our favorite injured baseball player?”

Hanai scowled at the stapler on his desk as if it had personally offended him. “He’s fine. Why do you ask?”

“Hanai,” Sakaeguchi said with an exasperated sigh, “you sent me a message that literally said ‘S.O.S.’ last night. I think I deserve more than just ‘he’s fine’ as an answer.”

“Maybe I just overreacted…” Hanai said as his fingers fiddled with the corner of his papers.

“Then why won’t you talk about it?” Sakaeguchi asked, putting up a fight.

“Why can’t you just let it go?” Hanai countered.

Sakaeguchi let out a sigh and Hanai had a feeling he was going to let it go. “Fine,” his friend said with a tone that meant he was most definitely _not_ going to let it go. “Deny it or whatever it is you’re doing right now. I’ll be there tonight with Shouji and I can tell you right now that I’m going to figure out whatever it is you don’t want to tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell,” he stated, but even Hanai thought he sound like a petulant child.

“Well since you’re once again running away from your problems instead of talking about them like a rational adult,” Sakaeguchi began which caused the frown on Hanai’s face to become even more pronounced, “I will let you go and tell you when Shouji and I get on the road and keep you updated about our arrival.”

“Hey,” Hanai began to argue, “I am not…” But the beeps echoing in his ear told him that Sakaeguchi had already hung up, and he doubted his friend would answer if he called him back. “I am not running away,” he grumbled as he pushed his cellphone away from him.

But no matter how many times he said it aloud, it wouldn’t make it true. Hanai knew he was avoiding the real problem. He was running away from many things that were all related to a certain person, who was basically living with him. Whether it was lying to Tajima about having to get things ready for work in the morning so he wouldn’t have to help the other put his clothes away (He wasn’t ready to talk about that damned t-shirt), or lying to Sakaeguchi about having everything under control.

He was running away. He knew he shouldn’t, but everything was just too much at the moment. Tajima was too much all at once and he needed time to sort everything out. So he was just temporarily running away until he felt secure enough in himself to broach any of the topics he knew would eventually come up.

 _Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing_ , he thought to placate the worry he was feeling. Knowing he would just continue to wallow in what he lacked, Hanai stood and left his office. He needed to keep himself busy instead of letting himself worry about things he couldn’t do anything about until later.

He thanked Mari again for giving him some time to relax, but seeing her face just told him the “relaxation” did nothing for the exhaustion showing on his face. He spent the remainder of his hour free with his therapists and talked to a few patients he hadn’t seen recently. It was nice working with his hands instead of being stuck behind his desk. Then he had to meet two new clients to go over their injury and doctors’ notes to setup a physical therapy regime that would work for them. It also served as a reminder to put something together for Tajima so they didn’t have to waste any time.

“I will see you next week,” Hanai said as he walked out his elderly patient. He turned to Mari at the desk and noticed that she was on the phone. “Mari will be with you soon to set up the day and time that works best for you.” The older woman nodded and offered a small smile as she went to sit in the waiting area.

“Sir!” Mari called before Hanai could return to his office. She held out the phone to him. “It’s for you.”

“Me?” Hanai asked confused, but walked over.

Mari nodded. There was concern written on her face, but there was also that familiar shine to her eyes that meant she was ready for something interesting to happen. “Yes. It’s the nice man from earlier this week. It sounds urgent.” She all but shoved the phone into his hands.

Hanai sighed and brought the phone to his ear. “Tajima? Why are you calling the office?” He asked confused.

“You weren’t answering your phone,” Tajima’s grumble answered, alerting Hanai that the other was definitely not feeling well.

Patting his pockets, he realized he left his cell phone in his office. “Sorry, I was busy,” he explained. “What’s wrong? You okay?”

Another groan came through the phone. “Too many questions,” the other sighed. “I feel like I’ve been hit by a car… or maybe an plane… something big at least…”

The corners of Hanai’s lips curled upward as he tried to remain serious since the other was obviously not feeling well, but Tajima’s explanation was cute. “Have you taken your medicine?” He asked, leaning up against the desk.

“No, I don’t know where it is,” Tajima whined, “and it hurts too much to look around. Just sitting here hurts.”

“Tajima,” Hanai rolled his eyes, “I told you this morning before I left. There’s food in the microwave for you and the medicine is next to the jar of sugar.”

“You definitely did not tell me this,” Tajima argued, and Hanai stopped himself from arguing back. He should have known the other was not fully awake when he had quickly told the other about the food and medicine. Tajima could barely keep his eyes open at the time. “I did find the food though. It was good. Where’s the sugar jar?”

“Same place it’s always been,” Hanai explained.

“Ah, right,” Tajima groaned. Hanai could hear Kiko and Shiro walking around in the background from the clicking of their nails on the hard surface. “Next to the coffee maker.”

“Yup,” Hanai said with a small smile.

“Hey,” Tajima whined, “why are there only two here?”

 _God, I forgot how whiny he is when he doesn’t feel well_ , Hanai thought with a slight roll of the eyes. “Because,” Hanai began to explain, “you only need two pills. I have the rest.”

It was silent for a moment. “What… you think I’m going to get addicted or something?” Tajima asked in disbelief.

Well, pain medication was rather addicting, but that wasn’t the reason. “No,” Hanai said, but waited when he heard water running. He was assuming Tajima was taking the medicine. “I’m just making sure you don’t accidentally take more than you need. It’ll be easier this way to stop taking the medicine.” Tajima hummed in understanding. “When did you last eat?”

“About an hour ago?” Tajima mumbled, but then added, “I think?”

“Eat a little something,” Hanai ordered, using what he liked to call his “therapist” voice. “It will keep your stomach from getting upset.”

“What are you, my mom?” Tajima teased, but his voice sounded more pained than joking.

Hanai smiled sadly, wishing he could ease the other’s discomfort. “I’m just trying to help.”

“I know,” Tajima mumbled and then sighed. “When are you coming home?”

He didn’t mean to let silence fall in the conversation, but the words left Hanai with a weird and almost uncomfortable feeling. _Home_ , he thought. It was like being hit with a sense of longing and anxiety all at once and he found it hard to breathe all of a sudden.

“Hanai?” Tajima’s tired voice echoed in his ear but it sounded far away.

“Yeah, um…” Hanai blinked and gathered himself before answering. “I’ll be back in a couple hours with lunch. Get some rest, okay?” Tajima hummed in response. “I’ll see you later.”

“Okay.” And just like that the line went silent. Hanai put the phone back on the receiver and sighed as the tightness in his chest slowly loosened. It was silly. He knew Tajima was exhausted and probably still feeling the effects from the pain medication, but the fact that Tajima had called it home of all things… He didn’t know if he should laugh or cry.

Letting out a sigh, Hanai ran a hand down his face. “Everything… okay?” Hanai jumped slightly and turned to find Mari looking at him in concern. The usual curiosity in her eyes was momentarily hidden below her worry.

He had almost forgotten that he wasn’t in his office. “Oh, uh… yeah,” he said, offering a small smile. “Everything’s fine.”

The mischief appeared again now that her concern was placated. “Was the nice man alright? He seemed a little odd of the phone.”

Hanai let out a laugh as he shook his head slightly. “Yes, the nice man as you keep calling him is fine. His name is Tajima,” he explained. “He had his surgery yesterday, so he’s just not feeling the greatest.”

Mari hummed in understanding. “Are you staying with him?” Hanai frowned in confusion. “Or…” She smirked slightly. “Is he staying with you?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your concern,” he stated, but she never stopped smiling at him. She actually reminded Hanai of Tajima in some sense, and he knew that she wasn’t going to back down. “If you must know, Tajima and I are high school friends and I think you know by now that a person who had shoulder surgery can’t do much by themselves.”

Mari pouted slightly as she listened to his words. “That’s true.” Hanai felt relieved at the words, but he also noticed that her eyes seemed more determined than usual. “I didn’t realize the two of you were that close… must be nice.”

“Yeah,” Hanai nodded and pushed away from her desk to go back to his office.

“I just thought the atmosphere was a little… tense a few days ago.”

Hanai stared at her and she stared back. He wasn’t sure how to respond to that one because he knew she was right. “Mari, don’t you have appointments to set up?” He asked, challenging her to keep it up. 

She rolled her eyes and huffed. “You’re right.” She turned back to the computer and began typing away, but the smirk slowly returned on her face.

And Hanai hid away in his office, where Mari’s prying eyes couldn’t find him. _You’re running away again_ , he thought as he fell into his computer chair yet again. But he just wasn’t ready to talk about anything, especially not with Mari of all people. That would be even more unprofessional in his opinion than taking a short nap in his office.

He leaned against his desk, propping his head up with his arm. With a deep breath, he closed his eyes and tried to settle his mind. _I’ll talk to Sakaeguchi tonight_ , he promised himself. He knew if he bottled everything up, his emotions would end up overflowing and it would cause even more problems than what he already had.

* * *

There was one thing that Hanai had come to expect in his life and it was being greeted by his two dogs at the door whenever he came home. Needless to say, when he opened the door and was met by silence, he was very confused and slightly worried. He absentmindedly closed and locked the door as he listened for the running of feet, but after a moment, nothing changed.

“Shiro?” Hanai called out since the black dog was always the first to assault him with kisses when he made it through the door. “Kiko?” He asked, missing her calming presence as well. He felt… lonely. He wondered how he ever survived without their company in the past. “Tajima?” He eventually asked as well.

He tossed his keys on the small table by the door and carried the sandwiches he picked up on his way home to the kitchen. “Guys? I have food?” The silence was bothering him. They hadn’t left the house while he was at work had they?

Walking into the common room, he felt relief wash over him. The three of them had somehow managed to fit onto the recliner, and all of them were asleep. Kiko was somehow pressed into Tajima’s right side while Shiro has sprawled over his lap and legs. Before attempting to wake any of them, Hanai took a quick picture with his phone and smiled. 

“Hey,” Hanai whispered and ran his hand through Tajima’s hair. He was afraid to hurt the other by shaking his good shoulder. Or at least that was the reason he told himself and it had nothing to do with the fact that he realized just how much he missed doing that the day before. “Tajima, wake up.”

When Tajima stirred so did the dogs. Shiro was the first up once he realized his owner was home. He barked excitedly causing Kiko to jump and look around. Tajima groaned and his face scrunched up as he tried to hold onto his sleep. Hanai helped Kiko off the couch while Tajima continued to wake up.

“God,” he groaned as Shiro continued to bark loudly. “Shiro,” he whined and tried to shush the dog by waving his hand around aimlessly.

Hanai laughed loudly at Tajima’s actions. He gave Shiro the attention he wanted as Tajima opened his eyes. “Hanai?” He asked confused. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey,” he grinned at the other’s confusion, “I said I was going to bring lunch, remember?”

Tajima looked around wildly until his eyes found the clock on the wall. “Oh… huh… It’s already lunchtime…” 

Hanai helped him stand and they walked into the kitchen. “Have you been sleeping all day?” He asked a little surprised as he pulled out the sandwiches he brought and handed one to Tajima. 

Tajima ripped open the packaging with his good hand and teeth. “I guess so…”

Hanai watched in amusement while Tajima grunted in frustration until he could access the sandwich. “The pain medication can do that to you,” Hanai said offhandedly, turning away to the pantry to retrieve treats for Shiro and Kiko before returning to his own sandwich. “Besides sleeping all day, how are you feeling?”

“I feel better than I did earlier.” Tajima took a bite of his sandwich but half of the fillings ended up falling out. He glared at the sandwich and the mess he was making. Hanai smiled and just handed him a pair of chopsticks to pick up whatever he missed.

“That’s good,” Hanai said, pouring two glasses of water for him and Tajima. He placed them on the table and sat down next to Tajima.

As they ate, silence fell over the house. It was only broken by Kiko and Shiro running around or Tajima’s occasional grunts and mutterings whenever he struggled with eating. Hanai took the moment to really look over Tajima. Despite sleeping most of the day, Tajima still had dark bags under his eyes. It wasn’t much of a stretch to think that he’d gotten little sleep the night before once the medication had worn off. He was probably forced awake whenever he tried to turn onto his left side. _Maybe I should try wedging pillows against his side when he sleeps to keep him from turning._

Hanai also noticed the difference in mood. It could have come about from the lack of sleep, but Hanai had a feeling Tajima was probably feeling a lot worse than he let on. While Tajima had laughed and joked the day before, Hanai had yet to see a smile from the other. Tajima’s lips seemed unable to do anything else but pout, and he seemed to only switch between frustration and exhaustion. “You sure you’re feeling alright?”

“I’m fine,” Tajima grumbled, taking an exaggeratedly vicious bite out of his sandwich. If glares could kill, Hanai was sure Tajima’s food would have at least burst into flames by now.

 _Oh yeah_ , Hanai rolled his eyes, _because that’s convincing_. He did a good job of keeping his sarcasm in check and kept his thoughts to himself. An already aggravated Tajima did not need to be pushed in any way. There would be no light banter with the amount of pain the other was probably in. Hanai would have to be careful not to say anything to upset the other more than he was.

He looked at Tajima’s immobilized left arm. He briefly wondered if it would be a good idea to take off the brace and move his arm at least at the elbow. After looking at the frown on Tajima’s face, Hanai decided against it. Tajima was already feeling enough discomfort as it was, why add to the pain?

Then Hanai noticed something. “You managed to change on your own?” He asked - impressed.

Tajima looked up at him with wide eyes and cheeks full of food. “Oh,” he said with his mouth full. He quickly swallowed and managed to smile even if it was just a ghost of what was considered normal for him. “Yeah,” Tajima mumbled, looking down at the black pants and the loose blue button up - that Hanai was 99.9% sure had come from his closet, but he decided not to dwell on that part just yet. “It took forever,” he groaned.

Hanai smiled at that words and knew it probably wasn’t much of a stretch. Doing things with one hand and being unable to really move one arm didn’t help. “I would have helped,” Hanai offered, but he was secretly relieved that Tajima had managed without him. It was then that he noticed the buttons weren’t exactly lined up correctly. “I see you didn’t feel like fixing those?” He asked, and forgot that he was supposed to be avoiding the lighthearted banter while Tajima wasn’t in the best mood.

The sour look on Tajima’s face confirmed his initial thoughts. “I noticed when I was halfway done,” he explained, “but I had already been working on the buttons for like fifteen minutes and I refused to start over.”

Humming in understanding, Hanai took a bite of his sandwich to keep the smile off his face. “I don’t blame you,” he said with his mouth half full. “If you want…” He was going to regret this choice. “I could fix it for you.”

Tajima seemed to think it over but shook his head, which relieved Hanai much more than it probably should have. “It’s not like I’m going anywhere anyway.” He yawned and rubbed at his eyes. “Don’t think Sakaeguchi or Suyama will care either.”

“True,” Hanai said as he cleaned up the wrappings from his sandwich. “Are you done? I can wrap it and put it in the fridge for later,” he added when he saw the contemplative look on Tajima’s face.

“Yeah,” Tajima offered another barely there smile, “that would be nice, thanks.”

Hanai took what was left of Tajima’s sandwich and wrapped it up as best as he could while trying to make it easy for the other to unwrap later if he wanted. Once satisfied, he place it in the fridge. When he turned back, he half expected to find the kitchen empty with how quiet it had become, but Tajima was still there. He had a glazed look in his eyes like he was seconds from falling asleep, and from the way he swayed slightly, Hanai was sure if he didn’t get Tajima back to the couch, he was going to fall asleep on the table.

“Hey,” Hanai placed a gentle hand on Tajima’s shoulders, but it still startled the other enough to jolt slightly. “It’s just me,” Hanai replied calmly when Tajima looked around confused as if unsure of where he was. “Let’s get you back to the recliner.”

Tajima didn’t even fight him when Hanai helped him to his feet and basically guided him to where he needed to be. Hanai made sure Tajima was safely seated before reclining him back and bringing Tajima’s feet up. He even wedged a couple throw pillows against Tajima’s side to keep him from turning in his sleep.

“I hate feeling like this,” Tajima slurred.

Hanai could tell he was fighting to keep his eyes open as he spread a blanket over Tajima to keep him warm. “I know,” Hanai whispered, tucking Tajima in. “Just bear with it for a few days and then we’ll see if you can stop taking the medicine. Maybe just at night, okay?”

“Mmmm… kay…” Tajima’s eyes drooped low before he forced them back open. “Hanai…?” Hanai hummed as he checked his phone to see it was time to leave. He stood but waited to see if Tajima was going to say anything else. “Do you have to go?” Tajima asked slowly.

Blinking, Hanai stood there in shock. “Uh… yes?” He answered but wasn’t sure where that question had come from. He looked at Tajima, who was clearly trying to fight his sleep. “Is something wrong?” He asked, but Tajima just stared at him. “Listen,” he began but wasn’t really sure if the other was capable of doing that at the moment, “the medicine is still making you drowsy. Just rest. I have to go to work. I’ll leave some medicine in the same place if it wears off beforehand.”

“You’ll come back?” Tajima’s words were whispered and unsure, making Hanai’s heart sink a little at the sound.

“Of course,” Hanai said, placing a gentle hand on Tajima’s shoulder.

“Promise?” His eyes slowly began to close. Hanai smiled, knowing Tajima would kick himself - if he was still lucid enough - for sounding so weak. He never imagined the medicine would have such an effect on the other. 

He ran his fingers through Tajima’s hair again and watched him close his eyes. “Promise.” He noticed Tajima’s breath slow and even out once again, and he took that as his cue to leave. He left the pain medicine in the same place, said goodbye to his dogs, and headed back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Please note that everyone reacts to pain meds differently. I used my own personal experience with surgery as reference for this chapter cause I was being lazyyyy. I literally woke up for brief periods of time, ate something and passed out again when taking the medicine. It was very disorienting and I hated every second of. It lasted for at least two days before I told my parents I was done after that cause I needed to function in my uni courses lol 
> 
> ALSO a little fun story. I had surgery on my knee and my roommate at the time had surgery on her shoulder on the same day as me so we were SUPER dysfunctional in our dorm. I had to help her get dressed and do her hair and she had to open doors and get my crutches for me

**Author's Note:**

> As always feel free to come talk to me about stories or literally anything on tumblr! My two blogs are [pagsywagsy](http://pagsywagsy.tumblr.com) and [pagsys-writings](http://pagsys-writings.tumblr.com)!


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